


Drama's the Best Pizza Topping

by Yifera



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Cas wants to help, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean, Hurt Gabriel, Hurt Sam, Multi, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Ruby/Sam Winchester, Pizza Man Castiel, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Drugs, Slow Burn, both try ok?, but he tries, he does good, then fucks up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2018-10-12 08:52:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 49,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10486986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yifera/pseuds/Yifera
Summary: In which Sam opens the door and Castiel is the pizzaman... But instead of porn there’s just drama.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually didn't start writing this story because of 'Caged Heart' famous scene, my inspiration came when I heard a friend's experiences when delivering food! Nothing even close to this, of course, but equally surrealist. 
> 
> A thousand kudos and infinite love for the amazing KitHourglass for editing this and being so supportive of me, if it wasn't for you this wouldn't be here right now!

“This is Shurley’s Pizza, how can I assist you?”

“Yeah, um I would like…” Sam held tight the phone and rubbed his face with his free hand, trying to block Ruby’s voice just for a moment while the man on the other side of the line took his order.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Pizza? At a time like this??” She practically roared from the other room.

“Yeah, um… the address… just a second, please” Sam covered the speaker with his hand, not being able to hold back the anger in his voice this time. “Yes, Ruby, pizza. I’m starving and there’s nothing around in this damn house, and I’m guessing you’re not going to let me go and buy anything until we’re done here.”

“Oh, great! Delightful! You’re so thoughtful, Sam!” The venom was evident in her voice. “Shame you think of me at dinner time but not when deciding to keep important information from me!”

Sam sighed, feeling a headache starting to grow. He tried to move away from her voice as much as he could to end the order on the phone a little more quietly.

“We’ll deliver your pizza shortly, sir.” The cheerful voice said. Sam was about to thank him and hang up when the voice talked again, lower this time. “Good luck there, pal”

Sam didn’t know whether to feel embarrassed or grateful at those simple words. He didn’t get any time to think about it though as the line went dead and Ruby started yelling again.

 

.

 

Castiel eyed the white road of houses cautiously. He didn’t know what to expect, for all he knew Gabriel could have just been acting his usual overly dramatic self, not trusting Castiel’s awkward social skills to deal with potential difficult situations. As always. But Castiel took pride in his job and it was his obligation to do it correctly. Even if that meant facing the possibility of communicating with other human beings past the usual ‘hello’ and ‘that’ll be twenty dollars, please’. So he had kindly but completely ignored Gabriel’s warnings about demon girlfriends and good looking guys. He sighed shortly, his coworker spent too much of his time on being nosy with his regular -and not so regular- customers.

Castiel took off his helmet, placing it on the little red scooter and approached the house, pizza in hand. He heard the high pitched screams even before he was close enough to ring the doorbell. He hurried and pressed it quickly, not wanting to fall into the growing temptation of just standing there and listening. Eavesdropping wasn’t something to be proud of.

The screams stopped. Castiel stared at the door in front of him, didn’t know what to expect, he fought the urge to fidget. Then the door opened, and he found himself having to look up. Well, he should have listened Gabriel. The young man in front of him was strikingly good looking, all floppy brown hair and cat-like hazel eyes that looked at him for a second before noticing the pizza.

“That was fast, man! Thank you!” The man seemed surprised and Castiel wondered briefly how much Gabriel and his other coworkers actually worked.

“No need. It’s my pleasure and my duty to bring satisfaction to our customers.” He found himself saying after a moment. 

The man blinked at him and then started laughing openly. He had a nice laugh, Castiel thought. Not the kind of awkward laugh some gave him at his own natural awkwardness or the one that usually meant they were making fun of him. No, this was the kind of happy laughter that made others want to laugh too. Castiel too couldn’t help himself from smiling at the man softly, all his nervousness somehow placated, screams forgotten.

Not for too long though.

“What now? Who is that?” A sharp feminine voice said from inside the house.

A short but fierce looking woman made her way across the hall and then stopped in her tracks on catching sight of Castiel. She eyed him from head to toe and proceeded to adopt an expression that could only be described as total disgust.

“You have to be kidding me.”

Castiel felt himself straighten up, his instincts suddenly screaming to either adopt a defensive posture or hide, in the end he just stood there completely rigid as the woman resumed her walking towards them.

“Ruby, please, go inside.” The man wasn’t happy anymore, his brow furrowed and his posture guarded. “I’m just going to pay my order. I’ll be there again in a minute.”

“Oh, sure, honey.” She said, with a sickening sweet tone. “Oh wait, let me think again… Yeah, thanks, but no. You go inside, Sam. I’ll pay.

“Ruby… if this is because of what we were talking about…”

“Of course not, sweetie. How could it be?” Her smile was white and sharp. “How could it possibly be about that? With this guy?” The way she gestured towards him made Castiel want to shrink into the ground. “It makes no sense! Except!” She raised one perfect manicured nail and her smile was gone. “That’s totally what was going on here”

“No, it wasn’t.” Sam clenched his fists, his lips a very small line. “Now you’re just being paranoid.”

“Well, excuse me if my boyfriend doesn’t give me any reasons to trust him anymore!”

“Excuse me.” Castiel was so lost right now, but he didn’t want to intrude into a private conversation. “I can come back later, if you want?”

The girl, Ruby, snapped her head in his direction, black hair flying around her.

“And you!” She spit out with a scowl as if he had said nothing… or maybe it was because he had said something. “How dare you look at MY boyfriend that way? Yes, don’t you fucking dare make that innocent face at me! You were eyeing him as if he was yours to take before I stepped in!”

“I… That wasn’t my intention…” Castiel said wide eyed, taken back by her words and clutching the box in his hands without noticing.

Her laughter was melodic and cruel, and Castiel hated it.

“You better not, you stupid little shit! He might also like dick, but even for him it’s ridiculous he would look twice at a filthy disheveled delivery guy like…”

“Ruby.”

The name was said calmly but with such intensity that the woman stopped and looked away from Castiel, who couldn’t help to look up at Sam too. His expression had completely shut down, showing no emotion whatsoever. With his chin high and his shoulders square the man could be easily compared to an ancient marble statue, still and serious. Only now Castiel truly realized how impossibly tall Sam was.

“Get out.”

Ruby’s jaw dropped, thin eyebrows flying up almost to her hairline.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.” He said with the same steady voice, his face impassive. “I thought we could talk this out. You just proved me wrong.”

“Wait, are you breaking up with _me_?” There was no sadness in her words, not even the regular amount of shock that usually came with that statement… just pure rage. “For _this_?”

She made a movement that made Castiel recoil, as if she was going to grab him, he would never know if that was her intention because suddenly there was a very tall figure between them.

“No, Ruby. I’m not even going to try and explain to you why, you wouldn’t understand.” Sam’s brow twitched briefly, Castiel saw his fist tightening on his side. “As well as you don’t seem to understand that me being bisexual doesn’t mean I’m going to cheat on you with the first guy I lay my eyes on.”

“And yet it seems like that’s what’s happening right now!”

“I’m not cheating on you.” He leaned closer, towering over her. “Because I’m dumping you. So get. The fuck. Out of my house.”

They stood there in silence for a couple of seconds, throwing each other daggers with their eyes, while Castiel felt his chest tighten as the tension grew. Then, very slowly, Ruby smiled.

“You’ll regret this.”

The way she said those words, calm and joyful, made Castiel shiver. That had been a threat if he ever had heard one. Sam stood his ground without even blinking.

“I doubt it.”

“We’ll see. When you come back to me crawling and begging…” She stood so close to Sam now Castiel was starting to feel uncomfortable and not just a little bit worried, her smile was feral. “…like you always do. We’ll see who’s right, Sammy.”

Before Castiel could even blink she had already taken her purse from somewhere behind the door and was brushing past him. He instinctively took a step back into the house at the look she gave him, as if he was a bug she would love to crush under her heel. But she kept walking and Castiel breathed again.

“Just go back to your pathetic broken self, Sam!” She said from afar without looking back. “And remember, I’m the only one who still loves you nonetheless!”

The door closed suddenly in front of Castiel with a loud bang, blocking the street and Ruby’s words. He flinched, when had he walked so far inside the house?

He held his breath, watching the man in front of him punch the doorway and then lean until his forehead was pressed against the wood.

Heavens. What had he gotten himself into?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's it going so far? Good? Bad? Midly dubious? Go into the comments and let me know!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect such a good response! Maybe one or two kudos... You guys rock!  
> You asked for it so here it comes! Let's continue the pizza drama!
> 
> Enjoy~

Both men stayed still in a tense silence, Sam frozen with his forehead on the door, Castiel staring at his back like a deer in the headlights, the loud bang of the door still ringing on his ears.

Why hadn’t he listened to Gabriel? He should listen to Gabriel more often. He should be more appreciative of him. Sure he was rude and loud, but his puns weren’t even that bad, when Castiel understood what he was talking about… and he cared about Castiel in his own douchery way…  
Somewhere in his internal babbling Castiel decided that Gabriel would notice his absence -he was too nosy not to- if something happened to him… what could happen he didn’t know, but Gabriel was as good backup as he could get.

Warily holding the pizza box close to him he eyed the man against the door, waiting. He didn’t know what to expect from Sam, for all he knew Sam could throw his anger against people, against Castiel. Castiel was confident of his own strength but he wasn’t sure he could stand a chance against a raging six foot four man who had just dumped his girlfriend because of trust issues… and sexuality problems? That part was unclear. Whatever that had been, Castiel was alone now with the remains of it. And he only had Gabriel’s nosiness and a pizza as backup.

Slowly, Sam turned around.  
Castiel wasn’t expecting what he saw.

“Sorry, I… I should call your workplace…” Sam said in a low voice, his shoulders had dropped and he kept his head low. He looked small all of the sudden, and how was that even possible? “She… she’ll probably try to call and… blame you… somehow.”

His expression had lost the stoic stance it held a minute ago, his eyes were fixed on the ground, his lips pursed. He looked miserable. Castiel’s wariness was instantly replaced with sympathy and a little pang of guilt for even daring to think this man could mean him any harm.

“Let me call.” He quickly said without thinking too much, the young man looked as if he could collapse at any moment. “You may need to sit down.”

“But… I should be the one to…” Sam started frowning, his eyes moving restlessly from place to place but still not looking up, as if he couldn’t think straight.

He had heard somewhere that physical contact sometimes helped people focus, though he didn’t have much experience with it, Castiel decided to take the risk and slowly raised his hand, placing it gently on the man’s shoulder. At the simple touch Sam finally raised his eyes to look at him.

“I will give you the phone if they think it’s necessary.”

 

.

 

“So, she really did call…”

Castiel tried to say this as calmly as he could but it still made Sam –stubborn man who only had agreed to sit down and let Castiel make the call after a good couple of minutes- snap from his daze and look at him with alarm.

“Oh, yeah Cas, you should’ve listened to her! What a piece of work! She continued to demand we fire you!” Charlie rambled loudly on the line, her voice jumping randomly between disbelief and worry.

“I see…” Castiel decided it was not wise to repeat those words in front of Sam, at least not while he looked like he was ready to jump from his seat and through a window and run all the way downtown to apologize to the whole pizzeria. “So…”

“Well, lucky for you, Anna and I teamed up! That chick was smart but we weren’t taking any of her bullshit. We miiiiight had made it sound like we were going to fire you, to get rid of her… but you know, semantics, you’ll just go back to the kitchen.”

“Where he should have stayed today!” A very familiar voice said, and God, was he going to take the phone? “Give me that thing, Charlie! I need both redheads working!” Apparently he was, Castiel sighed. “Hello there, troublemaker! I have to say, I would never have taken you by one! You make uncle Gabe proud! Now. You good? What have you done?”

“I’m alright… I…” Castiel frowned, replaying the scene in his head. The screaming, the short fight, the accusations… He had a feeling that the relationship between Sam and Ruby would have ended more or less the same way even if he hadn’t been the one to deliver the food. Though the look that woman had sent him, the words… “I honestly don’t know if I’ve done something.”

“Well, I’ll have to take your word for that. That woman talked as if you had dropped the pizza on her head, set her closet on fire and fucked her boyfriend over the ashes!”

“I… can assure you I didn’t do any of those things.”

“Oh, Cas!” Gabriel laughed loudly. “If you had done any of them I would have to promote you and never let you take off that delivery uniform!”

“That would be inappropriate and unsafe.”

“But naughty and completely worth it” Gabriel chuckled for a moment, then paused; his voice had a slightly different tone when he talked again. “How’s the kid doing?”

Castiel looked at Sam. While he remained seated –thank God- now he looked restless, staring at Castiel, then to his own hands and back again to Castiel. He was getting visibly impatient, like he was trying to understand and follow the conversation even when he only had Castiel’s very few words as reference; Castiel thought that the fidgeting was probably a side effect of trying to hide said eagerness. He was failing, badly.

“He’s worried I might get fired.”

Sam flinched hard and looked up at Castiel with the same heartwarming worry that seemed to have taken over him since he had taken a seat, only now increased by ten. He was nearly screaming ‘is everything okay?’ with his eyes and Castiel felt bad for leaving him hanging without an answer. He gave him a little smile, hoping it was reassuring enough for the moment. Gabriel kept talking.

“We’re not letting you go, angel, so he can stop worrying now!” There were sounds on the background that implied Gabriel was cooking again. “As for you, your shift is done; I might have to work for once. I expect a full report when you drive your ass back! Don’t charge the kiddo, it’s on the house.”

“Can I do that?”

“You can’t, but I can, I have to take advantage of half owning this place from time to time!” Castiel thought he already did that a little too much on a daily basis. “And please, anyone who has the guts to dump that raging bitch deserves free food! Besides, he’s a good kid.”

“I’m not going to ask you how you know that.”

“Wise choice!”

Gabriel hung up without further ado.

Castiel sighed shortly and put the phone down, only then did he face Sam. The man looked ready to jump to his feet at any bad news; with his whole body tense and his eyes open wide, he looked like a distressed puppy. Castiel raised both hands in an appeasing gesture.

“Do not worry. There was no harm done.”

Sam studied his expression with a little frown, as if trying to figure out if that was really the truth. Whatever he saw on Castiel’s face it made him eventually relaxed, letting out a long breath and dropping his head to his hands.

The relief on his features didn’t last long though. His figure started deflating with every breath taken and soon he recovered the same miserable look he had had the moment he had closed the front door to Ruby’s screams. Castiel’s chest tightened at the sight of it.

“I’m sorry… I…” He rubbed his face, again avoiding looking at Castiel. “You can go whenever you like, you must have work to do…”

“There’s no need to apologize, my shift is over.”

“Oh… Yeah, I see…” Sam didn’t look any less troubled by Castiel’s words, he harshly run his hands over his long hair, a couple times. “I didn’t mean to close the door on you, I didn’t want to… I-I just couldn’t…”

His voice went softer and softer until he eventually just stopped talking. Castiel waited but the silence only kept stretching. Sam slowly dropped his hands on his knees, his now empty eyes fixed on them. He looked lost, tired and very, very far away. Ruby’s last words suddenly echoed in Castiel’s mind.

_Just go back to your pathetic broken self, Sam!_

He frowned. Was Sam thinking about that? About how a woman who seemed to take pleasure in ruining the life of others –taking himself and that call she made as an example- thought that Sam was any less without her? Did Sam believe that too? Suddenly the relationship between the pair made a lot more sense.

_And remember, I’m the only one who still loves you nonetheless!_

Castiel hated that it made sense.

He felt an urge -a need- to do something grow inside of him. But what was he going to do? He had never been good at this… at people in general. For the first time in years he wished he was, maybe then he would know how to comfort Sam, maybe then he wouldn’t feel as if one single wrong word of his could really end up breaking the man in front of him.  
But… he had to try. He _had_ to.

He quietly approached Sam, feeling strangely thankful that the man wasn’t paying attention to him. He already felt like an intruder in this house, like he shouldn’t be here, in such a private place, in such a vulnerable moment…  
Castiel stopped in front of him, breathed in, and slowly extended his arms offering to the man the –probably cold by now- pizza in his hands. Sam blinked at the brown box, and then looked up at him.

“It’s… on the house.” Castiel said, lamely.

There was a moment were neither of them moved, or blinked, or breathed in Castiel’s case...  
Then, large hands held the offered box.

Sam smiled softly.

Castiel’s heart skipped a beat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I add in the tags this is probably going to be a long ass fic?  
> I mean how do you warn about that kind of thing when there's only two chapters published?  
> Long fic? Slow burn? Lots of words yet to come? I have to pay attention to tags more often...
> 
> So anyways, what are your thoughts? Do you have something to comment or yell at me? Suggestions about long ass fic tags? Let me know in the comments!  
> Kudos always warm my heart too~


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a tiny bit longer.
> 
> Where is this story going you say? Welp, my mind is making it go to a kinda dark place, not sure if that'll be its path but who knows, there's hints here and there if I ever decide to do it...
> 
> But for now, hope you'll like this two cuties enjoying eachother's company~
> 
> Love to my lovely editor KitHourGlass!

Sam looked at the man in front of him, _really_ looked at him for the first time.

Even in his slightly ridiculous red delivery clothes and messy dark hair the man stood straight and tall, like a proud soldier. Only his expressive blue eyes and a slight frown broke his apparent composure. He seemed… worried.

Sam had never been good with pity, though he never directly rejected it like Dean did, it always left an uncomfortable feeling in his gut. He was a grown man –overly grown, as his brother used to remind him- and as life had always taught him, he should be able to take care of his own problems. He shouldn’t rely on others and he shouldn’t accept any kind of pity when things went wrong for him…

But in this man’s eyes he didn’t see pity. There was a little, sure, it would be strange if there was none giving the situation he was in. But most of it was worry.  
He was just looking straight at Sam, barely blinking, his frown slightly narrowing from time to time as his clear eyes studied Sam’s face with something he could only describe as pure and blatant concern.

And Sam didn’t know how to handle that.

Because pity… pity meant sad knowing stares and awkward words of comfort. Pity made Sam want to hide.  
But concern… concern made him want to apologize and say that everything was alright.  
Because when people worried he could feel the emotions as if he was feeling them himself, he could see the confusion, the questions, the grief, the willingness to put themselves first to help… he could see it all reflected in their eyes like an open book.  
The same he was seeing in the blue eyes of this stranger, who was trying hard to do something for him.

God knew why. He felt and must look like a complete mess… But no, Sam couldn’t just drown in self-hatred now; he couldn’t when he knew it would only make this kind man sad.  
He couldn’t be responsible for that too…

So Sam held the pizza box. He wasn’t accepting it for himself. Something as small wouldn’t change anything anyway… right? It looked like such a silly gesture, so insignificant…

And yet it seemed like it was all Sam needed.

His raging mind calmed suddenly, the pressure dimmed, the screaming voices in his head now seemed to come through a very thick wall. He almost stopped thinking altogether.  
He felt dizzy at the sudden change, but above all, it felt… incredibly good.  
Sam breathed in and when he tried to smile… it was breathtakingly easy… He had to contain himself from grinning. His chest felt warm.

“Thank you.” Sam said sincerely, there was a note of awe in those two words.

The man simply nodded.  
They stared at each other in silence for a moment. Sam looked at the box, then up again.

“I think this is where you’re supposed to let go.”

Blue eyes blinked at him and Sam couldn’t stop himself from grinning this time.

“The pizza.” He explained shortly.

“Oh.” The man’s eyes widened, it was painfully obvious he hadn’t noticed he was still holding the box, it was kind of endearing. He took a step back. “My apologies.

How very formal, Sam thought, amused. He shook his head, smile still in place and looked down. He traced with his fingers one of the little wings printed on the carton, which neatly surrounded the pizzeria’s logo, before opening the box. His stomach growled loudly.

Sam hadn’t realized how hungry he was, but now at the sight of food it seemed like his hunger was the only thing worth his attention in the whole universe. He was pretty sure he was drooling.

“Maybe I should leave you both alone...”

Sam flinched and averted his eyes from the heavenly looking pizza, there was amusement in the man’s eyes but his awkward posture towards the door mirrored his question. He felt a little wave of panic seize him.

He couldn’t be alone right now.

“Oh! No! Um, eh-" Sam pulled the pizza away, placing it into the low table at his side. “You can… I mean, if you want...” He made a vague gesture towards the other side of the sofa he was sitting in. “I don’t mind…”

The man looked doubtful and Sam almost face palmed himself. Stupid! Of course he wouldn’t want to stay. They didn’t know each other; he had probably experienced one of the most surreal deliveries of his whole life and now there Sam was, trying to make him stay for Sam's own selfish needs.

“Forget it.” He sighed, rubbing a hand across his face. “Sorry, you said you just ended your shift, you must be tired. Staying in a stranger’s house to eat cold food, which you work around all day, isn’t exactly a good rest.” Sam avoided looking at the man, his smile turning bitter.

Sam was going to stand up and walk him to the door, but suddenly there was a hand extended in front of him.  
He took it pretty much on instinct.

“Hello,” the man’s voice was low and deadly serious, his grip strong. Sam looked up at him surprised, a little weirded out and completely lost. “My name is Castiel Novak. It's nice to meet you.”

“Sam Winchester…” he replied on autopilot. He blinked at Castiel, his brain trying to make sense of the sudden exchange. He failed. “W-what…?”

“I would like to stay and eat with you. I really enjoy my workplace’s food. I don’t really care if it’s cold. I also don’t have anything to do in my own home.” Castiel tilted his head with a little frown. “So I deduced the only thing left was… that we were strangers.”

In his confusion Sam had to stay silent for a couple of seconds before he finally understood Castiel's words. It was the longest he had heard the man talk. When it finally clicked he couldn’t help himself. He laughed.

Castiel tilted his head a little more, he looked like a curious oblivious animal; this only made Sam hide his face with his hand and laugh louder. The curious look didn’t disappear but eventually Castiel’s lips widened in a little smile, he stood there in silence for a minute, waiting patiently for Sam to come down of his ongoing laughter.

“Alright, Castiel…” Sam said, still chuckling. He patted the other side of the couch. “Make yourself at home, hope you like movies.”

“I… do.” Castiel shifted and sat down neatly by Sam’s side. “Though I have only seen a few…”

“Oh, well, we can change that.”

 

.

 

Turned out Castiel actually talked a lot when he considered it was worth his input, and when he had questions, and he had tons of questions for many things, and movies seemed to be one of those things.

They enjoyed the pizza while it lasted and to Sam it was heaven itself, no question.

When the last piece was devoured Sam’s desolation must have been crystal clear in his face because Castiel _chuckled_ , he obviously earned himself a pillow in the head for that, which the man took with a yelp and such an offended look it was Sam’s turn to laugh.

Sam found himself enjoying the rest of the day curled up in his couch, surrounded by soft cushions, old films and the man’s deep voice pointing out little elements in the screen and getting confused with references.  
Castiel’s sense for analyzing detail was mesmerizing, he would caught up visual aspects that went completely unnoticed by Sam, while Sam explained the plot and connected the narrative for Castiel to follow.  
When the second movie started they had already figured out their own particular balance, knowing when to chat and when they should stay quiet and watch the film.

Sam didn’t want to stop and think about how long had it been since he had something similar to Castiel’s comfortable company. Without having to wait for the next scream, lie, bitter comment or family drama… Too long. Maybe years… And nope. Not thinking about it.  
He pushed that thought deep inside of him and locked it up, he had no doubt that sooner or later it would find a way out to fill his head and his heart…

But for now, he answered Castiel’s question on the behavior of one particular character, and listened to him when the man whispered about how the lights were set up for that shot.

Time went flying and soon it was dark outside. Sam found himself feeling content when Castiel said he had to get going. He stood up and followed him to the door. They both stopped in front of it, neither of them making a move to actually open it.

“Thanks for staying, it’s been fun.” Sam said eventually, and he really meant it. He took a deep breath, forcing the next words out. “And… you know… sorry you had to see… all that.”

Castiel’s eyes went a little sad when he said this, Sam had to advert his own because, how can anyone stand looking at those sad blue eyes for too long?  
He felt warm fingers land lightly on his shoulder.

“I had fun too… And thank you for defending me back then.”

Sam frowned, remembering Ruby’s words towards Castiel, the way she had insulted him… The same anger he felt then bubbled anew inside of him. He placed his hand on top of Castiel’s.

“She didn’t have the right to talk to you that way.” He muttered, his jaw tight.

Castiel sighed; he titled his head and leaned in until he caught Sam’s eyes, locking them with his own.

“And she didn’t have the right to do the same to you.” He said firmly, his expression serious. “It doesn’t matter if she was your lover, she didn’t.”

Sam almost believed him. He wanted to believe him.  
And fucked up or not, he didn’t know if wanting that was a good or a bad thing.

“…Good night, Castiel.”

That obviously was his cue to exit the house, because Sam didn’t want to think about those words or about the feelings and thoughts they carried, and obviously the best possible solution was to cowardly kick Castiel out of his house... only that Sam still had his hand over Castiel’s, and he couldn’t bring himself to take it away.  
Not like he wasn’t trying, but he only managed to tighten his hold even more. Castiel tilted his head and Sam felt his face get warmer with embarrassment.

Why couldn’t he just do it?  
Sam thought he was good, he could be alone now, damn, he had been alright about it just a second ago. He couldn’t keep Castiel from leaving, he had been kind enough to stay with him all this time… And it had been good, more than good, it had been enough. He knew it.  
So why couldn’t he get a hold of himself and let him go?

Just when Sam was starting to get seriously frustrated with himself for throwing mixed signals to the man, Castiel took a step forward and lifted his other hand, placing it on top of the other two. He gently pushed them away from Sam’s shoulder and held them close to his chest, long graceful fingers surrounding Sam’s hand carefully, almost as if it was something delicate that could break at any sudden movement.

Then, Castiel raised his head and just looked straight at him, his expression unreadable and his eyes… well, he might as well have been looking directly into his soul.

Sam held his breath for what seemed like an eternity, heart pounding painfully on his chest. The feeling that had kept him from letting Castiel’s hand go abruptly twisted into a new need to run and hide, away from those scrutinizing blue eyes. Either way his body wouldn’t move.

Then, Castiel blinked and his face softened, gaze intent as if he had found something in Sam’s face. There was worry in his eyes again, only now it appeared to be mixed with affection and some sort of… unhappy acceptance.

Maybe Sam was overanalyzing things, maybe it wasn’t so complicated… but he couldn’t find any better explanation for the calm yet sad smile forming on the man’s face.  
Even if he was right, Sam still didn’t understand what was happening. And before his now confused brain could even think about saying anything, Castiel squeezed his hand one last time between his own and finally let go.

“Good night, Sam.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And he looks at me... and I loOK AT HIM
> 
> What are your thoughts so far, beauties? Let me know in the comments!  
> Comments make me squeak, kudos make me blush, sometimes I squeak and blush at the same time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaack!  
> Hope you're having a fantastic day everybody! A big thank you for everyone who keeps reading and a thousand hugs for those of you who stop by and leave a comment with your thoughts! I love you all (especially you KitHourGlass, beautiful person and editor)
> 
> Even though I try to keep the POV to one character per chapter that's going to change from now on, nothing drastic I hope, but I find it necessary in certain chapters. Like this one.
> 
> Now, let's get this party started!

Castiel breathed in the chilly night air and let out a long sigh, his chest still a chaos of emotions.

This day had been… an experience, to say the least. Ruby, Sam, his job in jeopardy, a newly discovered passion for cinema… But, more than anything, those last minutes with Sam… those had been hard.

In the few hours he had been with the young man he hadn’t found any sign of another person living in the big house, which was kind of odd considering the size of it, it was a house built to fit an entire family, not the kind you would expect for a young man such as Sam to live alone in. Not only that but it was also strikingly empty, only the essential furniture and little to no decoration.

Leaving Sam alone in such a desolated house when he obviously wasn’t alright had made Castiel’s guts twist.

But what was he supposed to do? They’d just met. Right now Sam needed someone close to him, someone he could trust with his grief, and no matter how frustrating it was, Castiel couldn’t take that place.

He stepped onto the porch, trying not to think too much about the broken man he was leaving behind. Praying for his wellness, and the chance to see him again.

 

.

 

Apparently, God had his ears on that particular day.

 

.

 

It had been two days and Castiel was in the kitchen working a big mass of dough when Charlie came in with such a shit eating grin plastered on her face it made the man recoil between the stoves. She waggled her eyebrows.

“Your boyfriend is here.”

“I don’t have a boyf-”

“I know, Cas. Let a girl dream...” She shook her head, her smile still in place and pointed outside. “There’s an anxious-looking but handsome stranger asking for you outside. He says his name’s Sam?”

“Oh.” Castiel almost fell over his own feet trying to get to the door in a rush, he heard Charlie yelp in the background.

Unfortunately he only remembered that he was fully covered -hair included- in flour when he was already standing in front of the counter. Luckily, Sam was too busy looking at something on his phone and there weren’t more costumers in sight. Castiel quickly took a nearby piece of cloth to wipe the rest of dough off his fingers and shook his head vigorously, creating a white cloud of flour all around him in the process.

Sam looked up just in time to see him sneeze, the surprised smile that formed on his face should have been illegal.

“Hey!” he took a step towards Castiel, leaning slightly on the counter. “So you _are_ here!

Sam looked… good. He looked clean and healthy, no pale skin, no bags under his eyes… only that criminal white perfect smile. Castiel felt himself relax, all his worries about the man from the past two days already dimmed.

“Hello, Sam.” He couldn’t help but smile back at his enthusiasm. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Oh, you know…” The young man paused and looked away, his smile turning embarrassed. “They wouldn’t tell me on the phone if you still worked here, so I thought… maybe they did fire you and you were just being… nice the other day.”

Castiel tilted his head, dusting off his clothes with soft slaps.

“They probably didn’t tell you in fear of Ruby.”

All the color drained from Sam’s face and Castiel immediately regretted his choice of words.

“She didn’t… she didn’t do anything more to you, did she?” he leaned urgently over the wooden surface separating them, eyes quickly roaming over him as if to check Castiel was unharmed.

Castiel took a quick step towards him and let his hand fall on Sam's shoulder; contact had seemed to be the answer to ground the tall man in the past, and this time was no different as Sam stilled at the touch before looking up at Castiel with worried eyes.

“She didn’t.” He reassured him with a calm voice. “Her call made quite an impression around here, so my coworkers are being a little overprotective of me. That’s all.”

Sam’s eyes looked haunted for a second, but it quickly dissipated and the next second he was leaning back, letting out a long sigh of relief.

“That’s good. Nice coworkers you have there.”

Castiel could hear a muffled chuckle in the background, he resisted the impulse to turn and glare the spot where he was sure Charlie was hiding.

“I guess.” He smiled a little in spite of himself, as he let his hand slide off Sam’s shoulder. “What can I do for you, Sam?”

“Oh! Oh, yeah, sure, em…” The man cleared his throat. “Just wanted to… hang out? I guess? …if you wanted to?” He offered tentatively, not looking too sure of himself.

Castiel couldn’t help finding Sam’s nervousness endearing.

“I am working right now but I should be heading out in an hour.”

“Half an hour!” A cheerful voice called and this time Castiel couldn’t help turning around and glaring at the beaming redhead peering out the kitchen door. “Aaw, don’t look at me like that, Cas! Kevin will be earlier today, go have fun!” She bent her whole body to one side to look at Sam. “Excuse the little angel, he’s a workaholic. I’m trying to fix him but it takes time and effort.”

“Little… angel?” Sam seemed equal parts startled and completely amused, looking from Castiel to Charlie with raised eyebrows and a wide smile.

Castiel felt himself blush. Why him, lord.

“Don’t mind her.” And then turning to Charlie. “Stop making fun of my name, I have more than enough with Gabriel.”

“Aaaw, come on, it’s not that bad! And that way I have a beautiful redhead, an overly cheerful blonde and a serious brunette! My three angels, it’s beyond perfect!”

“Then you would be… Charlie?” Sam was failing badly at trying not to laugh.

Castiel turned to him, wide eyed.

“How do you know her name?”

The half hour almost went by before Charlie and Sam could manage to stop laughing.  
Castiel sulked all the way, but forgave them because they seemed happy.

 

. 

 

From that day on it became habit for Sam to come by the pizzeria to hang out with Castiel after work.

This left Castiel equally confused and pleased. He couldn’t understand what possibly could be so interesting about him that kept the man coming back. But he wasn’t exactly going to complain, it had been a long time since he made a new friend. And he wanted to know Sam better.

After the first two visits Castiel found out Sam walked all the way to Shurley’s Pizza from his house.

“I like walking.” Sam shrugged Castiel’s alarm away with an amused smile. “Really, it’s not a big deal.”

“And I like him around here!” Charlie shouted from the kitchen. “Don’t keep him all to yourself!”

Castiel couldn’t help feeling guilty nonetheless, and so -after a while- he managed to convince Sam to meet halfway. It wasn’t an easy task though, as they were both obstinate to the bone, and sometimes Sam “betrayed” Castiel and went all the way there before Cas ended his shift.

They often just walked around or sat down somewhere in a nearby park while Castiel ate lunch, talking about books and the few movies Castiel had watched. They didn’t talk about important things, Sam never asked him about his life and Castiel never mentioned Ruby.

Sometimes they didn’t talk at all. Sam seemed to be just as content with Castiel’s silences as he was with his talks, if not more in certain occasions, and Castiel himself didn’t feel the need to fill the gaps with mindless chatter.

Sam was kind, funny and extremely smart -aside from obviously gorgeous- and Castiel found himself admiring him in these silences, wondering about how his eyes sometimes turned dark when he was lost in thought, or how troubled he looked almost every time he picked up his phone. Even for all his sunny smiles and outgoing attitude, the more time passed the more Cas noticed Sam wasn’t really alright. They never talked about it either, true, but Castiel hoped one day he would have the courage to ask or the chance to help.

This hope only grew and grew as he spent more time with Sam. He wanted to help, he wanted to ease the worried lines on the young man's face somehow… But there was a fear growing at the same rate in his chest. Castiel was an outcast, an awkward excuse of a human being, he probably broke a thousand social rules on a daily basis without noticing… And while that didn’t usually matter to him, he realized he didn’t know what would happen if he did or said something wrong to Sam.

He had… come to like him… He liked him very much.

And maybe he wasn't being very subtle about it.

Two weeks passed and Anna started giving him knowing looks every time Sam happened to be in the pizzeria when she and Cas crossed paths between shifts. Castiel tried to avoid said looks.

Charlie on the other hand, surprisingly seemed more concerned about befriending Sam with all her geekly knowledge and never tried to insinuate anything past her usual light teasing.

But even that changed when a month passed.

Castiel was particularly invested in a thoughtful rant about how maybe Sam wasn’t eating so well when Charlie punched him lightly on his shoulder and outright told him to stop pinning. Castiel blushed, he _wasn’t_ … alright, maybe he _was_ a little, but Castiel’s constant talk about Sam was mostly because he was concerned about him...  
Castiel sighed. He should just accept it…

“I’m just glad Gabriel is currently on vacation, I’m not sure if I could manage that amount of teasing…” He confessed.

Charlie laughed just in time for the front door to slam open loudly.

“I’M BACK! Now! Where’s the loverboy?”

Castiel was tempted to run for it and slam his face into the oven.

 

.

 

“He sounds like fun.” Sam laughed at Castiel’s vivid complaints of his boss.

“No, he is not.” Castiel rolled his eyes hard and flopped down unceremoniously onto the grass. “Please, don’t come into the pizzeria from now on, he will probably attack you one way or the other.”

Sam smiled fondly, watching Castiel settle lazily by his side. At first glance the man may seem too tense and serious but in the last couple of days Sam had come to know Cas lost all composure when tired.

Sam sighed. This was good, this was just what he needed. These last days hadn’t been being easy on him…

Sam shook his head, focusing in Cas again. He looked especially mesmerizing with his eyes closed, enjoying the late afternoon light, almost dozing off. Sam couldn’t help smiling wider at the sight. He really wanted to touch Cas’ ruffled hair, Sam would only need to turn his wrist and reach out a little... He obviously contained himself.

“And why is that?”

“He’s not used to me having many friends.” He hummed, it was hard to tell with the sunlight lighting up his skin, but Sam could have sworn Castiel was blushing. “He would ask inappropriate questions.”

“Liiike?” Sam jokingly poked him.

Castiel sat up with a little smile, lightly shoving the man’s arm in the process. But after a moment he turned serious.

“Like…” He twisted a long strand of grass between his fingers, not looking at Sam, that wasn’t a good sign. “He would ask about Ruby.”

And just like that, Sam felt all his joy dissipate. Castiel sighed, briefly turning his attention to the sky.

“Sam, I actually… have been worried about you…”

“What?”

Castiel must have confused Sam’s bewilderment with annoyance because the next second his gaze was again on him, full apologetic mode on.

“I know, I know it’s not any of my business…”

“Oh! No, no, Cas!” Sam raised his hands in a calming gesture. “I was just surprised that’s all.” He sighed and smiled shortly. “You are too kind, you didn’t need to worry about me, that… is something I have to deal with.”

Castiel frowned at these words.

“Maybe it is, but you seem troubled sometimes… And that night… leaving you alone like that didn’t seem like the right thing to do. I couldn’t help worrying as I couldn’t be sure if you had someone to…” He stopped abruptly, titling his head and eyeing Sam with a new air of suspicion. “Have you talked with anyone about what happened?”

Sam blinked.

“As I said… it is something I have to deal with… by myself.”

Castiel just looked straight at him without saying anything for a long time, confusion clear in his face. Sam was just as confused.

Wasn’t it clear that would just be weak? He didn’t need to bother anyone else with his problems, with his inability to cope with paranoia, with his stupid fear of being left alone... That was something one had to deal himself and not go whine to others, unless of course the problem involved another person, which certainly wasn’t the case. This was him and only him. Sam and his fucked up self…

“Don’t you have anyone to talk to or…?”

At those words Sam felt his chest constrict with a sudden pang of pain, leaving him breathless. Shame crawled up all through his spine like a cold giant spider, settling finally as a knot on his throat.

Castiel’s tone had been soft and gentle. It still hadn’t helped one bit.

He swallowed and took a ragged intake of breath, trying to shove those feelings deep down, where they belonged. He breathed in again and forced the next words out.

“Even if I had… I have to deal with this myself.” He repeated slowly, his voice firm, and some part of him didn’t really know if he was trying to convince Castiel or himself.

“Sam…” He looked up, Castiel’s expression was calm, though something glistened in his eyes. “Could I ask you for a favor?”

Sam waited, until he realized the man was actually waiting for permission.

“Um… sure.”

Castiel turned then, snatching a little notebook and a pen from his bag, he quickly scribbled something and tore the page apart.

“I may not have a large knowledge on social skills, but I do know this: talking about your problems isn’t a weakness, Sam. It requires strength.” He neatly folded the piece of paper. “And it may be terrifying and it may be hard, but I can assure you, it’s much worse when you do it on your own. So please…” He took Sam’s hand and dropped the little square of paper into his palm. “I know we just met, I know this could be strange but… please, consider me if you need anything. Maybe not now, maybe you’re right and you need some time alone to sort things out. But, if a day comes when you feel like you can’t handle it… Please, call me.”

Sam looked at the paper in his hand, frowning. How ironic that this was the way he was getting Cas’ number… ironic because he knew it was probably the only way he wouldn’t call.

“That’s a hard favor you’re asking. I’m not sure I can do it.”

“It’ll be much harder for you if you don’t.” Castiel replied.

Sam didn’t want to get mad. He wanted everything but that. He knew Castiel’s intentions were nothing but good, he knew he was just trying to help...

Just like Dean had tried…

The accumulated stress and frustration from the passing days suddenly burned and boiled inside of him like a volcano waiting to explode. He knew it was seconds away from doing so. And God knew he didn’t know how to control his anger once it was out.

So he fisted the piece of paper and shoved it into his pocket harshly, only because a part of his conscience was begging him not to throw it away. He looked away and squeezed his jaw tight, deciding to keep his mouth shut. Who knew what hurtful things might get out of it if he didn’t.

They didn’t speak after that. Sam wasn’t calming down, and Castiel seemed determined not to push his luck. The minutes passed as they sat in silence on the grass, not a sound around them besides the soft hum of the wind and the dead leaves whirling around.

The little voice in the back of his head was mocking him. _I told you Sam, I told you it wouldn’t last, you push people away, you’ll never learn, she was right…_

Sam desperately wanted to go back to being as relaxed and happy as he had been only a few minutes ago, as he had been with Castiel for the past month...

He wanted it so much.

Maybe he could do it, maybe he could fix this... 

“This is pointless.” Sam’s stupid mouth said instead, and why was he standing up? “We don’t know anything about each other… you know nothing about me, what I’ve done…” He clenched his teeth, shut up, shut up… “…how could it…? Why did I even try…”

“Sam…” He heard Castiel move, but he didn’t look at him, he couldn’t. “Sam, I’m sorry if…”

“I have to go.” He cut him off shortly, not even waiting for an answer before turning around and walking away.

His legs didn’t stop walking when he reached his house.

 

.

 

Castiel didn’t know how long he stood there with his head low watching the dry leaves by his feet, but when his phone buzzed in his pocket the light around him had dimmed. It was starting to get cold.

Maybe he should have brought his coat.

Charlie’s text said he had left something in the pizzeria.

Maybe it was his coat.

When he arrived there the sky was already dark.

“There you are!” Gabriel’s voice was immediately followed by the sound of quick steps in his direction. “I know that lately you’ve been veeery distracted by a ceeertain person, but seriously man you have to stop forgetting… Cas?”

He snapped, as if woken up from a dream, Gabriel’s light eyes studied him from up close.

“Cas… are you alright?”

The simple question caused a million thoughts explode in his brain, he felt his breath catch.  
He wasn’t, he certainly wasn’t. Confusion, worry, rejection, fear… all of it seemed to be having a battle in his insides. What had he done? Was Sam alright? Had Castiel said or done something terrible to Sam without meaning it? Was he clueless or foolish enough not to realize what had it been? What was it? What was he going to do? Could he even do something? What? Why?...

He didn’t know what his expression might be turning into, but Gabriel was starting to look very concerned, even a little alarmed.

“Gabriel…” He managed to say after a moment, his voice sounding odd. “I think I did it… I think I’ve done something wrong…” Castiel dropped his gaze and looked at his hands instead, they were shaking. “And I… Gabriel, I…” He looked up again, feeling his heart sink at the next thought. 

“I don’t know how to fix it…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you really think the drama was over? Oh boy, I haven't even started.  
> And in case anyone is wondering, yes, this is the reason I added that tag about fucking up
> 
> You're welcome to scream at me in the comments! Really, even a keyboard smash will make my day, I might even smash my keyboard back (yes, that's how you create stories, you smash, like the hulk)
> 
> You can also help me smash this story out by leaving kudos!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the delay!
> 
> I'm finishing college so I hope you understand the only thing I want right now is to curl in a ball and sleep for a month.  
> But I intend to keep writing, you just have to be a little more patient with moi.
> 
> Enjoy!

 

Anna took hold of Gabriel’s arm and silently dragged him away from the kitchen. It was dark outside, most of the little tables around them completely drawn in shadows, the only light was coming through the little window in the kitchen door and from a far streetlamp outside.  
She only released his arm when they were on the far end of the counter.

“Gabe, you have to calm down.” Anna whispered, concern all over her face.

“Calm down!?” His voice was fierce and full of disbelief but he was whispering too, none of them wanted to disrupt the mumbles coming through the kitchen, mostly from Charlie now; Castiel had stopped ranting a while ago. Gabriel sharply pointed at the door they had just come through. “Have you seen him? He is fucking devastated! How do you want me to calm down!?”

“Yes, I have seen him, Gabriel.” Her eyes hardened, her lips a tight line. “And right now he doesn’t need you wildly blaming everything onto that guy, Sam.”

“How can you say that?” He hissed, turning around, and restlessly carding his fingers through his hair. “How can you say that when he… when Cas is on the verge of crying? Crying, Anna! We are talking about Castiel here!” Gabriel opened his arms wide. “You know how he is! You know these last months had been difficult for him! How is this not the time to go and break that bastard’s face?”

“Have you even been listening to him?” Anna snapped, taking a step towards him.

“I’ve listened enough!” He snapped back at her, raising his voice, and immediately lowering it again, but the rage in his expression only darkened. “Castiel broke his antisocial shell, which took months for us to go through, to try and make a fucking friend outside this place, and the bastard turned around and broke his heart! It’s as simple as that, how can you not understand?”

“I understand perfectly, Gabriel!” She retorted between clenched teeth, losing all the composure she might have had left, angrily leaning close to him and making Gabriel flinch in the process. “I understand okay? He was so invested in this guy that when he offered help and it was rejected, Cas’ kind soul broke into pieces! But that’s exactly my point!” Anna's eyes were intent, almost glowing in the dark of the room. “Castiel offered his help, Gabriel, and it takes a lot for him to do that. He’s not just heartbroken because he was rejected... He’s having an anxiety attack because he’s too worried about this guy, deadly worried. And he can’t do anything to help because the only way he knew how has been rejected by Sam himself! Not only that, but now Castiel probably also thinks he’ll never see Sam again.”

Gabriel frowned, his posture –although still tense- had lost some of the dangerous halo it had had only mere moments ago, his golden eyes narrowed, glued to hers.

“What’s your point exactly?” He sneered stubbornly, but Anna knew he wouldn’t be asking if he wasn’t already considering her words.

“Well, you think Cas is miserable now? Try beating the shit out of the guy he so concerned about.”

Gabriel stared at her for a few moments, and then turned around, Anna let him stomp around in silence. For a minute he walked in circles, lost in thought, with his arms crossed and a deep frown before he finally took a deep breath and decided to settle on top of a table. Only then did he look at her again.

“What do you suggest then?” There still was a note of anger there, but most of it had dissipated into bitter acceptance.

Anna smiled softly, she was proud of him. She leaned back into the counter.

“What do you know about this Sam Winchester?”

“Me? Darling, have you forgotten I’ve been on sweet, sweet vacation ever since the day they met?”

“Oh, come on.” Anna rolled her eyes and looked at him with all the skepticism she was capable of. “Gabe, you literally said ‘he’s a good kid’ the same day they met.”

“Well, I was obviously wrong.” Gabriel said, his voice regaining a note of rage.

“Gabriel…”

He ignored her tone and rested his arms on his knees.

“Why would you want to know, Anna? Trying to find out if he’s a threat?”

She looked down and shook her head lightly, letting her hand travel over the surface of the wooden counter.

“Maybe… but it’s not only that.” She admitted, her soft voice only a murmur in the dark. “Knowing him, Castiel isn’t going to get any better soon... I know we could wait for it to pass, let time heal… but I don’t want to sit still if we can do something about it.”

“So what? Are we trying to spy and guess the reasons why he ditched Cas?” Gabriel grimaced. “That usually doesn’t work out well either, Anna.”

“But… maybe if Castiel knows something more of what’s going on with him… he won’t be as heartbroken?”

“He wouldn’t let us tell him a thing.” Gabriel retorted, shaking his head. “And even if he did, it’ll probably wouldn’t do him any good because, oh, it’s soooo easy to go and say ‘hey dude, my friends spied on you and now I know what’s up’. Yeah, that would help him tons…”

Anna crossed her arms, her chin high.

“Well, I still think it’s a better idea than breaking into Sam’s house and starting to throwing punches.” She looked at him intently. “So…?”

Gabriel sniffed out from his nose loudly in annoyance, then harshly pushed his hand into his pocket. The sound of candies hitting the wood next to him echoed loud and sharp into the silence of the room, Gabriel randomly unwrapped some of them and shoved them into his mouth all at once.

Anna let her entire weight rest back into the edge of the counter, waiting patiently while he munched. He looked… troubled.

“Alright I… kinda knew his brother.” Gabriel finally said, his eyes avoiding her.

Anna just stared at him for a moment, her eyebrows flying up almost into her hairline. Whatever she was expecting, it wasn’t that. Gabriel was well known for seeking out information, for getting his nose were he wasn’t supposed to, he could probably know all about their neighbors secrets even before they had them.  
But this felt different, the way he had said those words sounded… personal, and Anna had never heard him gossip about someone he had been personally involved with.

“Oh.” She tried to keep her voice soft. “Knew?”

“Well, it was a long time ago. Back when I was in that bar downtown.” Gabriel sighed, frown still in place, but there was a little smile there too. “Dean Winchester, that guy was a piece of work. Came in every week or so to drink himself stupid, to this day I’ve never seen someone cheat so gracefully at pool while drunk.” He laughed softly, remembering. “I never stopped him though, he was a nice guy, obviously broke and he definitely needed the money more than those greasy bastards he played against.” He wrinkled his nose with disgust at that particular memory, but recovered the smirk when he spoke again. “Dean never talked much about himself, but his brother? Oh boy, he could talk about his little brother all night long! Not that he noticed most of the times. I only got to meet the scrawny kid once or twice before I last saw Dean...” He stopped talking again, eyes on the ceiling, candy forgotten at his side.

The silence stretched on and Anna started pondering if it would be wise to ask about Gabriel’s relationship with this Dean… but suddenly the man snapped out of his daze, sitting up straight and waving his hand in a discarding gesture.

“Anyways, he said Sam had a scholarship for a very classy university, Stanford for what I could guess. He looked worried but proud, said their uncle was going to help Sam as much as he could while Dean was gone…”

“Gone?”

Gabriel nodded shortly.

“Dean was in the military, he had to travel overseas that same week.”

Anna averted his eyes, feeling a little guilty for asking, she didn’t know what was going on in Gabriel’s head, but he obviously wasn’t enjoying this part of the story.

“What about their parents?” She muttered.

“For what I gathered their mother died when they were little. And the father… well, he wanted Sam to do the same as Dean, he was a veteran, figures. His disapproval was what had Dean so worried.”

Anna sighed and couldn’t help raising her hand to bite her nail.

“So maybe that’s part of what that was about? Family problems?” She thought out loud, not too sure herself.

“Those days I would have said no. Dean seemed proud of him, they had their uncle and Dean said Sam knew how to stand his ground with what he wanted over his father’s will...” He seemed unsure as well, but he said the next words with a determinate look. “But then again, I haven’t heard from Dean ever since… and Sam returned two years later. And stayed.”

Anna frowned, her mind doing the simple math.

“But that means…”

“Yeah…” Gabriel nodded. “Even though he fought all the way to earn a spot… Sam probably dropped college.”

 

.

 

“It’s going to be okay, Cas, you’ll see.” Charlie said again.

Castiel’s blue eyes didn’t shift from the white tiles he was currently sitting on, with his knees up and almost curled up in a ball.

“You know that’s a completely uncertain statement.” He murmured in a tone that had lost all the fight and energy a good hour ago.

“Don’t start again.” Charlie punched his arm lightly, without any kind of real force behind it, she let her hand fall on his shoulder right afterwards, resuming her gentle strokes. “You’re strong, patient, smart, and you are going to continue doing your best because you’re that stubborn… I’m not trying to make you feel better, I’m stating a fact.” She leaned her head on his shoulder and continued with a small smile. “I know it’s going to be okay, Cas. I’m a genius, I’m never wrong.”

Castiel couldn’t help the amused smile that formed on his face and ended up leaning into her hair, feeling how the calm she had been building around him was starting to finally settle inside him.  
He didn’t know where Anna and Gabriel were, but he was selfishly glad the latter wasn’t around right now. He had gotten instantly loud and furious when Castiel had told them what had happened in the park, which only had made him feel even more shaken. Although a tiny bit of him also felt pleased at Gabriel’s reaction, as that was his way of proving he cared… Anna had demonstrated she did too by reading the situation and taking the restless man out.

Castiel was so lucky to have them…

_Don’t you have anyone to talk to or…?_

Suddenly, dread filled Castiel over again.

_Even if I had… I have to deal with this myself._

“Charlie… what should I do?” He breathed deeply, trying to loosen the tightness in his chest. He bit the inside of his cheek. “Sam… he doesn’t have anyone… Or at least he doesn’t think so, when I asked if he had someone… I think that’s what got him so furious. And he’s going through rough times. I know. I could feel it… all this time I could see it in his face even when he joked or smiled…” He took a breath and pressed his cheek more firmly on red hair, closing his eyes tightly. “I am certain it is more than what I know. But I’m not even supposed to know the things that happened that day with Ruby, that was just a mere wrong place wrong time situation, and I only got to the end of it… And I know he has more issues piled up… he needs people around him… But he doesn’t seem to think so and I… I…”

Charlie hummed softly all the way through his mumbled words, kindly patting his knee.

“You aren’t going to try forgetting him and move on, huh?” She murmured when he came to a stop, almost to herself, then quickly added. .“Do you have his number?”

Cas blinked, then lowered his eyes.

“No… he has mine.” He sighed, deflating a little. “Unless he has thrown it away already.”

Charlie made a little noise of acknowledgment and then proceeded to squirm until she was on her knees in front of him.

“Then I have something to propose.” She raised her finger to point at him. “Go to sleep. Rest. Wait for a day or two to let him contact you.” She shrugged one shoulder, wrinkling her nose. “If he doesn’t and you’re still convinced he needs help, then I’ll break a little of our costumers policy and give you his phone. You know I’m worried too! We’ll have to keep the call anonymous just in case…” She paused, considering look in place. “You want to give him a chance to contact you, don’t you?”

“Yes, yes of course.” Castiel said quickly, then sighed, fumbling with the sleeve of his shirt. “I’m just worried, Charlie… what if something happens to him?”

“I’ll talk to Gabe, we’ll keep an eye open for a monumental moose trying to do something reckless.” She said, half joking, then sharply clapped her hands on her thighs, successfully getting Castiel’s attention. “But don’t you dare beat yourself up with that possibility, Cas! The only thing you can do now is rest, clear your mind and be ready for what might come.”

He bit the inside of his cheek again but eventually nodded, and after a moment he let his arms disentangle from around himself and sat straight, feeling the pain on his tired muscles. A spark of some kind of weird determination was starting to burn inside Castiel's chest, pushing the anxious and confused feelings to the back of his mind. He could do this. Charlie was right: If Sam needed his help he had to be ready to offer it.

“Thank you, Charlie.” He finally said, Castiel squared his shoulders and nodded once again. “I will do my best.”

“See? That’s the spirit!” Charlie smiled wide, her usual excitement taking over. “Keep up the fight, angel!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gasp, Dean is mentioned again! Will he ever show up?
> 
> I needed to write a little comfort, I know I know, eventually there'll be comfort between Sam and Cas... but not yet, I'm evil, and I have plans.
> 
> I entirely blame the implied Debriel on KitHourglass, I ship it now and God why are all my ships unpopular?  
> I plan to leave it only implied, but even if I didn't, it wouldn't make a lot of impact in this story. Either way I want to know, what do you think about it? Leave a comment to let me know!
> 
> The next chapter is about Sam, stay tunned!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeey you beautiful people!
> 
> I'm sorry for the delay my life has been a little turbulent so the progress has been slow and the last thing I want to do is rush my wonderful beta with her editing.
> 
> Buuuuut I'm finishing my college duties on a few weeks! And that means I'll have tons of time and I'm excited because I really want to keep this story going!
> 
> Well now, ready to see how Sam is doing?

Sam knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep that night. Mind and body kept him restless. His mind screaming at him about how stupid he was, how incapable, how winy, how selfish, how cruel…

The high pitched whispers ringing in his ears fueled the movement of his legs, making his steps snappy and fast.

He always had taken running both as an exercise and as an escape to think and clear his mind. Now his body seemed to be relying on his past actions and taking the decision that walking around was the smart thing to do. The only problem was that he didn’t control where his legs were taking him. And Sam was too far gone to really pay them any kind of attention.

He just paced his neighborhood loosing track of time, like a ghost, while his brain continued spiraling into a void of regret, rage and a strange feeling that was like a stab in the heart… Sam really didn’t want to stop and think about that last one.

The more time that passed the more obvious it became to Sam that he needed a distraction. So he wrongfully checked out his phone.

The “no new messages” little window seemed to be laughing loudly at him, it had been for days now, but in that moment those three words felt less like a resigned sentence and more like the cruelest mockery a bunch of pixels were capable of.

 

_Don’t you have anyone to talk to…?_

 

Castiel’s gentle words echoed in his mind, twisting and reverbing cruelly as if they had actually been an accusation. Sam put the phone back into his pocket, barely containing himself from smashing it against a wall.

That was the moment his legs changed course and took him somewhere else. But Sam still couldn’t concentrate enough to pay them any attention.

So, he only realized where he was far too late, when he was already standing in front of the building. And that’s when he started to panic for entirely different reasons. What was he doing? This was probably the last thing he needed right now! Hadn’t he fucked up enough for today?

However, after a few minutes of pacing back and forth like a cornered animal Sam felt the rage in his chest build up yet again, he huffed out a breath and took out his cellphone. He had to do it sooner or later anyway, so what was a little sooner than planned?  
Ha. Planned, what a joke, he hadn’t planned shit, he had just been delaying it…

 _Like the coward, pathetic, broken mess of a human being that you are_ … the voice in his head added.

“Why wait?” He huffed to the night air, quickly sending the message, not wanting to think too deeply about what he was doing. “My decisions always suck anyways.”

He stood by the main door for a minute. The tone indicating a new message ringed at the same time the door opened. He barely looked at his phone, the open door talked for itself.

Sam skipped the elevator, taking the stairs two at a time with long strides, all the way to the third floor. The 3B door was already open when he got there.

Ruby stared at him, leaning on the frame with her arms crossed.

“Well, I don’t know if I should find this unexpected or not.” She said arching an eyebrow.

“Skip it.” He breathed through his teeth.

“No, I mean, you coming back isn’t really unexpected, but at 1 a.m.?” She continued as if he hadn’t talked at all. “Something must have been cooking in that head of yours.”

“Shut up, Ruby.” Sam almost growled, coming closer to the door to stand tall beside her. “I just came for my stuff.”

Now Ruby had both eyebrows arched, dark eyes full of disbelief. She eyed him up and down, very slowly, very thoughtfully, and Sam was really starting to feel the urge to either punch her or run downstairs. But suddenly, she clicked her tongue and dropped her shoulders.

“Well then.” She took a step back, making a vague gesture with her hand towards the inside of the flat. “Don’t let me stop you.”

From her, Sam was expecting anything but diplomacy, even more so considering he had come in the middle of the night demanding the little stuff he kept in her –stupidly luxurious- flat like he wanted trouble. Maybe he was unconsciously looking for trouble, wouldn’t be the first time. Sam shook his head and stepped in, quickly passing Ruby.

“It’s all in the same place you left it in.” He could hear her saying calmly from behind him, following him across the hallway. “Except for that horrendous purple shirt, I had to burn that.”

Sam flinched from where he had crouched to pick up clothes, crooking his neck to glare at her. She shrugged innocently.

“We didn’t part in very good terms, Sam. I had to blow off some steam, you’re lucky I didn’t burn all your stuff.”

He scoffed, returning to his task of shoving clothes into a bag he didn’t remember bringing into this house.

“Not very chatty, are you?” She murmured with a sigh, after a few seconds had passed. “What happened, Sam?”

“None of your damn business.” He closed the bag with a forceful pull, getting to his feet and going into the next room, not wanting to leave anything behind.

He heard Ruby hum thoughtfully, as if his response hadn’t been a sign to stop asking but a very interesting action to analyze.

“It’s Dean, isn’t it.” She said finally, it wasn’t even a question.

Sam stopped in his tracks, halfway into the bathroom. He looked at the spotless white tiles, clenching and unclenching his fist and slowly counting to three in his head.

“No.”

“Oh please…” Ruby scoffed from behind him, unimpressed. “It’s always about Dean, Sam.”

“Shut up.” Sam tried to cut her sharply, but he couldn’t muster the courage to turn around. “I’m not going to discuss this with you… again.”

“He hasn’t called you, has he?” She was getting closer. He closed his eyes firmly, not wanting to hear it, not wanting to think about it, Sam heard her sigh. “You’re still fidgeting for your phone even now… I bet my soul you have been sending him texts all night.”

“Shut up.” And this time Sam’s voice cracked, the reality of that statement crashing into his shoulders like a heavy hammer, he couldn’t help clutching his phone close to his chest. “Just shut up…”

“Sam, I know how much he means to you… and believe it or not, I’m concerned.” She said it as if it wasn’t a big deal, but he could feel the honesty in her words, buried down below. He had never understood why Ruby tried to hide her sensitive side. “He brings you down, Sam.” She continued after a beat, louder. “He once may have been you dear righteous big brother, but now? He doesn’t deserve you. You shouldn’t have to be always trying to follow his every poor ass decision!”

“I’m not…” He started, turning around, the expression in Ruby’s face bringing him to a halt.

“Remember the last time you talked, Sam! How can you be trying to please someone who has so little faith in you?” She said, composure breaking as she got even closer, her feet almost touching his own.

There it was, that expression of fierce determination, the one that had always made Sam’s heart skip a beat. Because, aside from all that rage and frustration, Ruby’s dark eyes were completely focused on Sam, seeing him, caring for him...

No, that was wrong.

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, trying to get his head in order. He just needed to concentrate, not get carried away with past feelings... and it all fell together. Like it had the night he last saw Ruby, when he finally had ended it.

“I’m the one at fault with Dean, I kept a lot of things from him… it was only a matter of time it blew on my face. It’s just… it’s just fair.” He opened his eyes and looked straight at her, fighting the urge to subdue to her piercing gaze. “Anyway, it all ended like it would have if I had listened to him from the beginning. So, apparently, Dean was right.”

“Oh, was he?” She crossed her arms; her expression masked again, voice cold as ice.

“Yes.” He swallowed, feeling a strange numbness filling him. “You’re not good for me, Ruby.”

Finally telling Ruby to her face didn’t make him feel any better. He had fought it, he had denied it for so long... because even if it was true, Ruby had been all he had had for a long time. And… telling her the reason he ended their relationship made him feel just as empty and lost as the day when he had found himself alone in that big house.

“Oh, don’t you dare make this about _me_.” She hissed. “Our breakup was all about your inability to stand up to him and your stupid necessity of being just like big bother Dean.”

“What?” Sam was taken aback with that last part. “What are you taking about?”

“You know it well. That charade about being such a shameless slut as he is and trying to prove it with that little number and that delivery guy… you almost got me there, Sam, almost.”

“Wait…” Sam felt sick. “Are you talking about my… bisexuality?”

That night that subject had only got onto the table when it turned out one of the recurring reasons Ruby used to bring his brother’s credibility down, had been insulting Dean for his regular nightstands with both sexes. Sam had turned to defend him, telling her there wasn’t anything wrong with that… and then hell had rose. Sam thought she had been mad about not knowing until then, he thought Ruby had been illogically jealous…

But now it was clear. It wasn’t bad enough that she had found the mere idea disgusting.

She thought Sam had been faking it.

“You think I lied to you?” He should be mad, he should be furious about the implication, instead his voice cracked, Sam barely realized he was trembling.

“What I think is that you would do anything for the family you have left! You’ll respond to everything, you’ll let them drag you down from what you could be and tell you how you should live your life! And how is that working so far, Sam? Did it help you when you had to drop your beloved college? I was there when you were fighting for that house of yours even when it was a stupid crusade, I indulged you, and I stood by your side! And then, _Dean_.” She sneered, her face a fierce mask of rage. “I tried to warn you about him, about how he acts around you, questioning everything you do even when you would hang the moon and stars for him! Always overreacting about your health, your job, your every action… and then suddenly I’m the villain of the tale?”

She was screaming again, like that night, the only difference was that this time Sam couldn’t bring himself to yell back.

“What I think is that you don’t know what else to do since he left so you’re just lying to yourself to try to be a little more like brother dearest and in the meantime fuck with my head! How far is this going to go, Sam? What else are you going to change to satisfy him?”

That couldn’t be right… could it? Or was she right? Couldn’t he trust himself even with that? Was his head so fucked up he didn’t know what was real about himself anymore? Not even…?

But that wasn’t right, he had liked boys and girls equally since forever… hadn’t he? Or had that been a way to follow his brother too? Had it all started so soon? Dean’s example, Ruby’s plans… Always following… Had he done anything genuine in his whole life? Sam had refused to follow the path his father wanted for him, but wasn’t that also just a way of following a pattern? He refused everything his father had told him to do, he held onto every word Dean said... he followed what Ruby wanted for him.

Maybe he was so fucked up because Ruby and Dean wanted different things, they believed Sam deserved different things, they saw him in a different light, and they both had completely different versions of what Sam needed.  
What did he need? Shouldn’t Sam know better himself what he needed? But how was he supposed to know with all these screaming voices telling him what to do?

Sam shook his head, shutting down his eyes harshly; he blindly reached for balance and ended up gripping tightly to the frame of the bathroom door.

What was he doing here?

He barely noticed Ruby wasn’t screaming anymore. Sam felt a soft hand landing on his arm.

“Sam… can’t you see you’re hurting yourself like this?” Her voice was soft now, caring, open… He didn’t push her away. “Sam, let me help you, please.”

His mind still buzzed, Sam could hardly hear her words, but he knew she was offering a way out, an answer…

“You know we work well together… wouldn’t you like that back?”

But Sam didn’t want a way out… did he?

He wanted Dean back... But Dean deserved better.

“We’ll forget about everything that has happened.”

Sam didn’t want to forget... Even if it hurt to be constantly remembering. He didn’t want an answer... But he couldn’t stop questioning himself.

Sam didn’t want to follow what she had planned to do with him… He wanted to figure out himself if he wanted it. If it was the right thing.

Sam just wanted his mind to calm the fuck down and let him think.

“You just have to learn to be strong, and you will, you’ll leave this pitiful version of yourself behind in no time. You’ll see.”

Sam’s mind wavered, cascading into black thoughts again. Was that all he was when there was no one to tell him what to do next?

Pitiful...

Weak…

 

_…talking about your problems isn’t a weakness, Sam. It requires strength._

 

Sam stopped breathing for a moment. Memories flashed in front of him, as if in a vision. A deep gravelly voice. Steady blue eyes. Gentle fingers wrapped around his hand in silence. Warmth… Patience… Concern…

Castiel.

His mind cleared a tiny bit.

 

_Maybe you’re right and you need some time alone to sort things out._

 

Castiel understood.

Awkward gentle Castiel, who he had only known for a little over a month. Cas who was so overly professional he made customers question in confusion if they’ve got the wrong pizza place. Cas who couldn’t understand movie characters for the life of him, or why he should own more than one coat…

Cas had understood, even before Sam did himself.

Sam opened his eyes and took a step back, as if burned by Ruby’s touch on his arm.

He had to get out of there.

 

.

 

Sam walked in the dark at an erratic pace, his only concern being to get away from that place as fast and far as possible. He felt dirty, he felt weak in the knees, the bag on his shoulder felt heavier than it should… But he kept walking, replaying Castiel’s words over and over on his head.  
He ended panting, barely keeping himself steady under the halo of a flickering streetlight.

Castiel had offered his help. He had acknowledged Sam probably needed space, but he still had let him know he would be there for Sam… if Sam decided that’s what he needed.

 

_Please, consider me if you need anything._

 

Cas had seem nervous, weary, a hint of fear in his eyes… Sam knew that look, he had been afraid of being rejected. And what had Sam done?

His legs finally gave out and he let himself fall against a concrete wall, slowly sliding until he was sitting on the floor. Sam’s hand slowly found his pocket and, with extreme care, took out the crumbled piece of paper from it.

 

_If a day comes when you feel like you can’t handle it…_

 

He unfold it and looked at the numbers neatly scribbled across it, once again feeling in his chest all the guilt and sorrow he had felt when he had turned his back on Cas, knowing that he was probably hurting him by doing so...

Only now, there was no rage to distract Sam from that knowledge.

 

_Please, call me._

 

He needed it... But how could he do it now after how he treated Cas?  How could he call him after throwing away his help? Even if he wanted... wanted...

Sam let out a strangled chuckle, folding the paper once again and holding it between both hands. He brought them close to his face in a gesture that felt as if he was praying; he let his forehead rest against his fingers, and softy murmured through them.

It was just an echo of his response to Castiel back then, honest and broken.

“I’m not sure I can make it…"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's how Sam is doing *runs away*
> 
> Hold your rage, sadness or confusion, make a ball out of it and shove it to my face in the form of a comment! I really want to know what you guys think. And if you have a twisted soul like myself and enjoyed this, then of course let me know by leaving kudos!
> 
> What does Sam need most right now: a hug, a therapist or a nap? 
> 
> Next chapter is already on development, do not give up on me!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo everybody!
> 
> Sorry for the late updates, the writing process is a bitch and I'm having trouble conecting everything because I hate plotholes and I really want to have as less as possible in this one! 
> 
> Butbutbut eventhough I don't really want to give ooout aaanything I think that (maybeprobablyluckly) you'll like this one

Castiel unlocked the back door of the building, quickly going inside and locking it behind him as quietly as he could.  
He had never been very fond of getting in to work through the front door along with the customers, but especially today and at this hour, too many teenagers, too many chances of Gabriel greeting him in a loud voice in front of them.

Cas was sure the scrutinizing judging stares of teenagers could make a person burst into flames if enough of them united forces.  
The female ones usually didn’t stare as hard, but they giggled every time he talked, for some reason. Although those same giggles had lately been redirected to a too tall handsome regular customer…

Cas wanted to bang his head against his locker.  
Well, he had managed not to think about Sam for about an hour, he could count that as progress… Hurray.

“Cas?”

He turned around just in time to receive an armful of redhead.

“Hey, man. Good afternoon!” Charlie beamed, squeezing him shortly.

Charlie had introduced him to hugs very early in their friendship, taking the initiative as if it was as natural as breathing, and as it was a kind of physical contact Castiel had been so unused to, he honestly didn’t know what to do with himself the first few times.  
When eventually Castiel warmed up to her affections, he found out she was actually holding herself back, a lot.  
Now, no day passed without her jumping him and trying to crush his ribs.

This time around though, Castiel didn’t even get the time to register the hug before she jumped back to start untying her apron in a nervous jumpy dance. He actually wouldn’t have minded returning the hug, he had to find a way to thank her for rushing to the pizzeria and staying with him so late last night.

“Missed you this morning, you slept in?”

“I did.” Castiel sighed. “I’m not exactly proud of it.”

Gabriel hadn’t even complained that much when Castiel had called him to apologize, making Anna cover his shift and telling him to come over on the afternoon with a surprisingly moderate amount of mocking.  
He was actually amazed Gabriel hadn’t called him to wake him up in some obnoxiously loud way the same second he realized Castiel wasn’t early to work as always.

Castiel had a growing suspicion about it having to do with his breakdown the day before, and he didn’t know whether to feel thankful or mortified.

“Aw, don’t sweat it, Cas! It happens to the best of us.” Charlie finally managed to unravel herself from her uniform, only to almost fall face first into the nearest wall in her hurry. She definitely would have, if it weren’t for Castiel’s hand on her arm, steading her. “See? I’m already making a fool of myself! And you didn’t get to see me on my shift slipping and falling on every little thing.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I was the one making a mess! What are you apologizing for, silly?”

Castiel shrugged slightly.

“Not being there to catch you?”

“My hero.” She beamed at him, shaking her head fondly. Her smile then grew softer as she stopped her movements to take him in, Charlie gave him a knowing look. “Talk to you later?”

Castiel smiled briefly, wondering when that would be. Knowing Charlie, probably in the middle of the night, in the form of a thousand text messages.

“Of course.”

Charlie nodded, satisfied, then raised her hand and proceeded to ruffle Castiel’s hair at top speed. She took off like lightning immediately after, disappearing through the back door in a blur of laughter before Castiel could do more than grunt.  
He turned, resigned and observed the mess she just made. Castiel didn’t even know why he bothered combing his hair anymore.

Castiel changed quickly and was ready to go into the hallway when he made the mistake to look at his phone.  
No more messages. No more calls.  
Castiel sighed, it wasn’t exactly unexpected, he didn’t even know what he was waiting for, what Sam could say if he decided to make a call or text him. Castiel himself wouldn’t know how to start… Funny how both of them had been hanging out so much for the last month and the only way Castiel had to directly contact Sam was to pound into his door like a creep.  
For the eleventh time that day Castiel regretted not following Sam the day before, when he had turned and walked away.

 

.

 

The hours were going slower than Castiel had thought, he wasn’t used to night shifts, his internal clock screamed he should be done by now and it made him fidgety.  
Gabriel had been intermittently popping in and out of the kitchen as he usually did, but today he seemed especially restless and it certainly wasn’t helping Castiel’s nerves.

“Gabriel, can you stop?” He finally said, frowning at him from where he was charging a young woman’s order.

“It’s either this or eating all of whatever’s left in the fridge.” Gabriel said distractedly from where he had been doing the loudest money counting Castiel had ever witnessed, clicking and dragging the bills and coins like they had personally offended him. “You choose, I’m not picky.”

Castiel sighed and went around him to fetch a couple of coins, then hurried to give them to the girl on the other side of counter who was now looking from one to the other with a raised eyebrow. Castiel gave her an apologetic look and wished her a good night before turning and staring openly at Gabriel.

“What is wrong?”

“Don’t be nosy. That’s my job.”

“Gabriel.” Castiel insisted, untroubled by Gabriel’s sharp answer.

Gabriel stopped his movements and, in what Castiel guessed was a sign of frustration, closed the cash register with a shove that didn’t resonate through the entire place only thanks to some strange miracle.  
Supporting himself with both hands in the counter Gabriel raised his head to look at the ceiling, he stared at it for a minute with the kind of expression one only had when there are so many things to say and there isn’t even a place to start.  
Eventually Gabriel closed his eyes and slowly exhaled though his nose in a kind of reluctant sigh.

“Restaurant things… mostly.” He said, as vague as ever.

That definitely didn’t sound like anything good, Castiel thought, as he stepped a little closer to Gabriel.

“What is it? Are you having troubles with it?” He murmured, trying to keep the conversation private from the few customers that still lingered in one of the corner tables.

Gabriel breathed out a humorless chuckle, shaking his head.

“There’s always some trouble with it, Cas.” He turned his body towards Castiel, leaning against the counter with his hip and crossing his arms. “But… you know, only half owning it actually makes it twice as hard.”

Castiel nodded, even if Gabriel’s attitude was seemingly arbitrary and as chaotic as anyone could be, he worked really hard to keep this place running.  
But Castiel had thought the situation was stable, and he felt a pang of uneasiness fill him when Gabriel’s worried expression told him it was everything but.

“You know I can help.” He offered.

Castiel was prepared to fight for it, expecting his offer to be turned down with a curt hand gesture and some dissuasive words, as it usually happened with Gabriel. But instead the man just stared straight at Castiel, silent for a moment before straightening his back, pushing himself away from the counter and standing right in front of him.

“I know you can.” And there was no trace of sarcasm in Gabriel’s voice. “You’ve been here since the beginning, Castiel. And I’ll never be anything but grateful to have you around.” Gabriel paused and shook his head slowly, his voice getting deeper, his golden eyes intent on Castiel’s blue ones. “But I _really_ need to do this for myself this time.”

This was Gabriel’s way to warn him to stay out of it… no, not warn him, he would have outright threatened him if that was the case… he was asking him.  
Whatever it was, it must be important for Gabriel, and he was asking Castiel to trust him with it and not interfere. Castiel nodded shortly, and Gabriel’s eyes closed for a moment with relief.

“Whatever it is… you will tell me if it gets really bad?” Castiel said instead.

Gabriel let out a short chuckle, uncrossing his arms and raising his hands in surrender.

“Yeah, whatever you want, angel.”

Castiel sighed, watching Gabriel turn around and click the cash register open again, resuming his task as if nothing had happened, only more quietly this time.

Castiel had meant it, he would not try to interfere with Gabriel’s problems about the restaurant… whatever those where. But he couldn’t help but feel agitated about it.

He turned around and proceeded with the routine of checking out the last customers, gathering trash and cleaning the tables, his body practically on autopilot as he thought about this place.

Where would Castiel go if something happened to it? If they closed? If Gabriel was forced to reduce staff? Castiel’s life had only been completely stable for a couple of months, would he be able to find another job? But with what experience? Maybe another restaurant would admit him… but he would probably have to move to another neighborhood, maybe even another city, and not a lot of places offered full time stable jobs that could pay for rent and his debts…

Castiel closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath, but his brain kept circling over the possibility of having to leave.  
He would miss this place with all he got, he would miss Anna’s calm presence, Gabriel being all fatherly and childish at the same time, even that new guy Kevin, Charlie… oh God, he would miss Charlie so much. And Sam…

Castiel shook his head. How sad was that the only important people in his life were his co-workers and a guy he just met, he couldn’t even call him friend, after yesterday he wasn’t even sure where he stood...

He breathed in again.

He just had to work harder.

Castiel nodded to himself, he had some money saved, he wasn’t helpless, he had friends now… and no one had said anything about Castiel being fired or the pizzeria closing just yet. So for the time being he was going to take good care of the place and get it as nice and clean as he could.

“Cas, you’ve been cleaning that table for ten minutes now!” Gabriel shouted from the other side of the room. “I can see myself reflected in it from over here!”

“And it’s beautiful.” He said, taking in the shiny surface with a small smile.

Gabriel laughed and murmured something that sounded way too much like “weirdo”.

 

.

 

Castiel was just cleaning some extremely filthy stool, stuck in the thought of why people insisted on pushing their used gum where they definitely shouldn’t, when he caught something out of the corner of his eye.  
He didn’t even know why that specific movement caught his attention from all the other passing silhouettes in the dark of the street, but he raised his head nonetheless to look through the window… and then he was staring directly at a pair of hazel eyes.

He flinched, and so did Sam…

 _Sam_.

Castiel blinked but the scenery didn’t change.

The tall man was on the far side of the lane, half of him almost covered in the dark, but he was definitely… Sam.  
And he looked just like a deer caught in the headlights, with his eyes open wide in surprise and his mouth slightly agape. Castiel was sure he looked exactly the same.

Before he could register what he was doing, Castiel’s legs were already circling tables and making him step out of the restaurant, breaking into the cold night air in a hurry. His eyes did not leave for a second the -now completely stiff- figure of the young man.

Sam reacted when Castiel was mere feet away, he tilted his body to one side, raising both hands in his direction as if to stop Castiel from getting any closer. Sam looked ready to turn and run away at top speed and Castiel slowed down because, why was Sam scared? An then…

“I-I’m sorry!” Sam stuttered, looking as guilty as if he had been caught breaking into Castiel’s private property. “I wasn’t- I thought… you’d be home by now.”

The panicked look on Sam’s face had made something in Castiel’s insides twist but the apology was what set his whole system alight. He felt the anger rise and grow like a burning fire inside of him. It must have been reflected in his face too because Sam recoiled slightly, flinching when Castiel stopped abruptly only ten feet away.

“I’m sorry…”

“What in the world are you apologizing for?” Grunted Castiel, and although he wasn’t raising his voice the repressed rage was making it reach a new level of deepness, making it expand like a wave around him. “I’m not mad at you, why would I be mad at you?”

Sam blinked at him for a moment, confusion being added to the mix of fear and nervousness in his features. Stunned in silence Sam waved his hand disbelievingly at the space between them for a moment, as if it was obvious.

“I don’t know, snapping at you? Rejecting your help? Not calling you?” His voice held a sarcastic note, but his tone went softer and softer until finally Sam turned his eyes to the ground. “Suggesting that… spending time with you was pointless?”

In any other moment of the day, those words would have made Castiel’s heart clench painfully, would have reaffirmed the already old feeling of being unimportant, dull… But there was fire burning through his veins right now, and this wasn’t about him.

He took a step forward, his eyes intent on Sam’s, even when the man kept his glued to the floor.

“Was it?” He stated simply.

Sam bit his lip, closing his eyes tightly as in pain, his whole body shifted for a moment and maybe he was still having an internal fight over whether he should be running away or not.  
Slowly, Sam took a deep breath in and let it out shakily through his nose, when he opened his eyes and finally looked up, Castiel only saw grief reflected in them.

“No.” As if it was a confession, that single word was said low, but clear, his eyes so focused on Castiel for that moment there was no room left for doubt of him being honest.

Castiel felt a wave of relief wash through him, clearing away some of the mixed feelings that had built in his chest ever since the day before. Castiel nodded shortly and tried to keep his tone calm for the next words, keep the rest of his emotions at bay.

“Then, why are you apologizing?” He took a step closer.

“Because…” Sam dropped his eyes again, waving his hand in his general direction with a half shrug. “You are mad…” It wasn’t a question, and he sounded so sad that, for the first time in a very long time, Castiel wanted to outright punch something. “And whatever I’m doing it’s only making you angrier…”

That was the moment Castiel reached for the neck of Sam’s t-shirt and held it in a tight fist. Up that close Castiel could see the surprise and fear flash in Sam’s eyes just before he closed them, bracing himself for a punch, a shove, a scream, or whatever he might be thinking Castiel was going to put him through.  
Castiel grunted and pulled the fabric until he could reach up, surrounding the man’s wide shoulders with his other arm to pull him close into a tight hug.

Sam’s confused yelp ended up muffled against Castiel’s shoulder, but before he could even form another sound Castiel was already talking, low and serious.

“I _am_ mad.” Castiel admitted slowly and he tightened his hold when he felt Sam flinch, but he continued still, tone unyielding. “I’m mad… because yesterday I was insensitive without knowing. I’m mad because even though I knew it was neither my or your fault… I was weak and I didn’t run after you to try and fix it.”

Castiel closed his eyes, taking in the warm presence of Sam, enjoying the utter solidness of it. The taller man’s arms were suspended in the air, halfway around Castiel’s sides as if he were unsure or too stunned to actually do anything.

“I’m mad because of all the places you should be right now it shouldn’t be around the working place of a no one you just met. I’m mad because you deserve better than that. But, above everything else… I’m mad because when you saw me angry, the first thing you did was get scared and apologize.” Castiel knew he was gripping Sam’s clothes too tight, his knuckles were probably white by now, he clenched his teeth. “I’m mad… at whatever the world has done to you to make you react to anger that way.”

Sam let out a little broken noise from the back of his throat. Castiel released his grip on the front of Sam’s shirt only to slide that arm around him too, surrounding his big frame as much as Castiel’s arms could reach.

“I’m mad at all of those things but I’m mostly definitely not mad at you.”  
There was a long pause then, one where Castiel only stood there, holding the tall man in silence between his arms.

Painfully slow, Sam’s hands found their way to Castiel’s back, sliding softly against it and finally closing weakly over the fabric of his uniform shirt.

Castiel felt Sam breathe deeply, hesitate, and then finally murmur into Castiel’s shirt.

“I’m sorry, Cas…”

“Sam, don’t you dare persist on apologizes or so God help me…”

Sam let out a soft chuckle, his body slightly trembling with it.

“You know half the things you are mad about… aren’t true, right?”

“Shush.”

Sam let out a little sigh but complied. As the seconds passed he shifted even closer, Castiel felt Sam’s form slowly deflating, his body getting exponentially heavier in Castiel’s arms, but he sincerely couldn’t care less about that at the moment.

“Aren’t you supposed to let go at some point?” Sam murmured softly, but he was hugging back fully now, almost slack against Castiel’s shorter form, and Castiel couldn’t think of a single reason to let the man go.

“I’ve wanted to do this ever since I left your house that first day. So be quiet and let me exploit the boldness my anger is giving me to do so as long as I feel necessary.”

And it was amazing. Hugging Sam was warm, calm and fulfilling, and -as irrational as it could sound- Castiel wouldn’t mind staying like this for hours. He could count this as his new favorite thing to do. Human contact as a favorite? That was new.  
Sam didn’t seem to mind either as he was currently letting out a little happy hum that reverbed through his chest.

“Guess I’m trapped then.” And his voice was a tiny bit lighter now, he shifted in Castiel’s arms but didn’t try to pull away. “Wait, is that the reason you did that holding-my-hand-between-yours thing that day?”

Castiel hummed remembering and actually realizing that he had touched Sam a lot that first day. Huh. Maybe it was Sam himself who brought out his willingness for human contact.

“It was what I thought would be most comforting and physically close enough to a hug without the actual full body closeness.” Castiel admitted.

“Dude, holding hands is usually much more intimate than hugs.” Sam muttered with a mix of disbelief and fondness.

Castiel could almost feel Sam’s smile against his shoulder, and it was as contagious as always.

“You were technically holding mine first. And note that I’m still learning the intricate contradictions of social behavior, mistakes are to be expected.”

“Wow.” Sam snorted softly. “And here I thought I was hugging an actual person, not a high class robot.”

“Beep-beep.” Castiel replied calmly.

Sam downright started giggling at that, his face completely buried in Castiel’s shirt.

“Now you sound like a microwave…”

“That is low, Sam.” And suddenly, Castiel was very aware that they were in the middle of the street just beside the pizzeria. “I just realized my boss is most probably either watching right now or wondering where I am.”

Sam got just enough time to finch and disentangle himself from Castiel before the very distinctive sound of the restaurant door clinking open resonated in the dark.

“Castiel! It is definitely not my turn to clean the abyss we hold for a bathroom!” And Gabriel’s smug tone told Castiel everything he wanted to know, he had probably been watching the entire time, the nosy bastard. “Stop the romance and get your ass back in here!”

Castiel sighed, just a little bit annoyed because, couldn’t he read the mood if he had been watching?  
What a question. It was Gabriel.

Castiel didn’t turn around because he was sure his cheeks were at least partially red and he couldn’t give Gabriel that kind of ammunition to tease him for the rest of the year, instead he raised a hand to let the man know he had heard him.  
Gabriel at least had the decency to close the door then and not insist like a parent embarrassing his child.

Castiel looked up at Sam, who was quiet but still smiling softly at him, one of his dimples was showing. The change of expression made him look so young…

“I have to go back but...” Castiel started, tentative, trying to find the right words to tell him he wanted to talk… but he couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation in the park and whatever he had said that had triggered Sam. He finally settled for an open question. “Will you come back tomorrow? Or… soon?”

And Sam didn’t get angry, he didn’t disappear or turn around… He just stared at Castiel for a moment, and there was something awed in his hazel eyes, as if he was taking in something mesmerizing.

“Yeah… see you tomorrow.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! It was time I ended one of this chapters on a happy note, phew that's refreshing.
> 
> Next chapter will give you some answers (finally!) I'm sorry I know I probably left some of you with severe headaches trying to figure things out. I'm cryptic like that, but I'll make sure I'll provide you with enough revelations next chapter!
> 
> Anyways I'm participating in Gishwhes this year so... yeah, probably I won't be updating that week. I hope I can do it before though!
> 
> Please leave a comment with your thoughts so I know what you think and of course leave kudos to make me smile stupidly at the screen for several minutes!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see! GISHWHES was equal times stressful and amazing!  
> Now, back at you and back at our dear couple of pizzaheads!
> 
> Oh destiny~ What does lie ahead?

Castiel kicked his shoes off as soon as he entered his flat, not really caring about where or how they landed besides the door. Just relieved to free his hurting feet at last.

_Shame on you, Castiel, you were raised better._

He couldn’t help the little huff of annoyed breath that left him at that thought. Manners be damned, he only wanted to get into his room and sleep for a week.

No, a week wasn’t acceptable; he would miss his appointment with Sam. And that would be absolutely inexcusable. Castiel started frowning at the thought of his friend, but was immediately interrupted by the soft sound of a new message. And another. And another.

Only Charlie wrote in such a fast string of continued texts.

Castiel still gave himself the luxury to change his dirty clothes for a blissfully clean t-shirt and a pair of boxers before he sat on the border of his bed to look at his phone.

It was kind of entertaining he had to say, Charlie wrote faster than she thought, so there were a couple of messages asking him if he was alright before they started mixing into a series of confusing strings of capital letters about how happy she was Castiel had seen Sam today –Gabriel, really, he couldn’t even wait till tomorrow before telling her– to then morph again into questions about how Castiel was.

Castiel smiled fondly to such a display of blatant concern but then stopped himself before writing anything. His fingers frozen only millimeters away from the screen, Castiel just watched it in silence for a couple of moments with a contemplating frown. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to talk with her… it was just… which part? His feelings? His worries? How he was going to see Sam again tomorrow? Gabriel and the restaurant? Should he even tell her about that last part? Did she know already?

Castiel let his gaze wander through the dark of his room, as if the silent shadows casted by the blue light of his phone could supply an answer for him. The air felt thick all of the sudden. Castiel sighed, put the phone away and stood up. As always, he had to shove the frame of the window a couple of times before it finally opened with a creak, the chilly breeze that immediately flooded the room was always worth it though. He breathed in and closed his eyes. Down the street the traffic was calm and luckily his neighbors hadn’t decided to start a fight or bump the thin walls with other… activities, so it was a fairly silent night.

Castiel appreciated it for a couple of minutes. He knew he could actually spend all night like this, but he also knew that if he let Charlie without an answer much longer she would come up with answers of her own, somehow intertwining them to form a mad conspiracy theory around Castiel’s life.

He grabbed the phone again with a sigh.

Maybe he didn’t have to directly talk about anything, she just wanted to know if he was fine, maybe that would be enough.

 

  **Castiel 11:17 PM**

     I’m fine, Charlie. Just a little tired. Thanks for worrying

 

He wasn’t good with texts.

Charlie responded with another string of questions but quickly backpedaled and said they could talk about it tomorrow if he wanted.

 

**Charlie 11:19 PM**

     Btw, Gabriel gave me an order, I’m supposed to inform you

 

Castiel frowned a little, leaning over his phone unconsciously.

 

     **Charlie 11:19 PM**

     I don’t want to add more things to your head but I guess it’s better to tell you now

 

Charlie really did talk a lot, Castiel huffed a little but waited patiently for another text.

 

     **Charlie 11:20 PM**

     Ok so, Gabriel banned you from picking up the phone at Shurley’s, I’m supposed to take all the calls.

 

Castiel’s eyebrows shot up, he reread the text again... Yes, that was what it said. Did something happen? Or was this just a continuation of whatever that was already happening with Gabriel and the restaurant?

He honestly didn’t know whether to feel confused or upset.

 

      **Castiel 11:22 PM**

     Can I ask?

 

      **Charlie 11:23 PM**

     Sorry, I don’t know much yet. But Gabriel confided this only to me and… it seems important.

 

Castiel sighed, he wasn’t expecting much anyway. But now he couldn’t stop wondering, how serious was it? Why Charlie? Well, Charlie was really smart, she was doing several courses online besides her work on the restaurant. Maybe some of what she did made her help valuable for Gabriel. Computers? She was good with them so maybe… 

Castiel only realized he hadn’t texted back when his phone went off, the name “Charlie” glowing bright in the screen.

Charlie’s stressed voice came out the receiver as soon as he picked up.

“I’m sorry, Cas! I really really really want to tell you what I know, but I also know I shouldn’t because Gabriel told me not to and when he’s that serious it’s kinda scary but at the same time I don’t want to keep anything from you and I’m already stressed out before even starting even though it’s kind of exciting and…”

“Charlie.” Castiel interrupted her. “Please breathe.”

He heard a slight panting on the other side of the line, followed by a short silence and a series of intakes of breath, as if Charlie was trying but couldn’t find the way to start speaking again.

“Charlie.” Castiel said again, keeping his voice steady but soft so she could know he wasn’t mad at her. “It’s alright. I’m just a bit worried, but you don’t have to tell me about it. I understand.”

“You ain’t mad at me then?” Charlie let out this little nervous laugh she did when she feared the answer to a question.

“You are the second person today to think that of me… Am I really that easy to annoy?” Castiel tilted his head, really hoping that wasn’t the case.  
Charlie’s laugh was loud and oddly relaxing.

“No, you are chill, Cas. The chilliest. Don’t worry.” She eventually said between chuckles, and just like that she was talking with ease again. “I guess that’s why it’s harder to digest the thought of you being mad… and oh! Does that have anything to do with Sam? Now you have to tell me!”

Castiel’s heart clenched at the thought of Sam, wide-eyed like a trapped animal, unconsciously looking for a place to run or hide as if Castiel could explode and violently take out his anger on him… Apologizing as if Castiel’s anger were his fault...

“Yes. Somehow but…” He admitted, he took a deep breath and momentarily bit his lip before continuing. “I’m sorry, I guess I can’t really tell you… it seems like a vulnerable subject for him.”

Charlie let out a little unhappy sound, she was probably pouting at the phone like a child, but she quickly recomposed herself with a sigh.

“Well, I guess that’s fair... Not getting to know anything about tonight then, huh? Gabriel was very cryptic about your reconciliation, which is not at all weird...”

Castiel took pity on her friend’s attempts on prying.

“I hugged him.”

“YOU WHAT-?”

 

.

 

“I’m off.” Castiel said as soon as Anna entered the kitchen to relive him.

Anna blinked at his passing figure.

“Good day to you too.” She said, more amused than annoyed.

Castiel waved apologetically and immediately proceeded to storm out. Anna turned to see Charlie… and there she was almost glowing.

“What… did I miss?” Anna asked cautiously, tempted to just turn around and run away just like Castiel. But, as fast as lightning, Charlie just grabbed her with both arms and pinned her on the spot.

“Cas met Sam yesterday and they hugged!” Charlie blurted out with the same emotion kids keep for talking about school crushes.

“That’s… good, isn’t it?” Anna said doubtfully but smiling now.

This were actually very good news giving the disastrous way they seemed to have parted ways, Anna wasn’t expecting them to make up so quickly. Though now she felt a tiny bit guilty about her talk with Gabriel the other day. Guess they wouldn’t need to keep digging up Sam’s past… and yeah that sounded really creepy now, they should definitely drop it.

“Anna.” Charlie said, almost vibrating with emotion, her eyes so wide Anna thought they might pop out of their sockets if she kept them like that long enough. “Cas. Hugged. Someone.”

Anna laughed. Of course, it was all about Castiel’s famous social awkwardness.

“He hugs you too sometimes.” Anna said calmly, tying her long hair in a ponytail and turning around to start working the stoves, a happy smile in place now that she knew there wasn’t anything wrong.

“Yeah, like once every ten hugs I give him!” Charlie insisted, following her.

“But you do give him a lot of hugs.”

“He’s my best friend! Am I supposed to punch him?”

“You do that too.”

“You are missing the point here, Anna!”

 

.

 

The wind moved around the dead leaves in swirls, lazily creating perfect circles only to break them up in regular jumpy dances that made kids laugh and run behind in delight. Castiel sat patiently on a wooden bench, taking in the autumn colors gathered around him.

He knew Sam had to take this path to get to the restaurant, and it was still close enough to it so Castiel casually sitting there wouldn’t seem too creepy.

Although Castiel preferred to think he was being thoughtful by not making Sam enter the pizzeria and probably have the most awkward introduction with Gabriel after the hug situation the day before.  
Castiel didn’t know how Gabriel would react to meeting Sam anymore. He actually seemed pretty pleased after yesterday’s events, if his teasing for the rest of the closing had been any indication of it. But, yet again, the day before that Gabriel had looked eager to rip Sam’s head off with his teeth…

Either way, Gabriel would probably make it as awkward as possible and Castiel wanted to keep Sam away from difficult meetings for now.

Since yesterday Castiel had noticed an increasing sense of protectiveness towards the man... Even if he still didn’t know exactly against what.

“Hey.”

The soft voice coming just in front of him pulled Castiel out of his thoughts, with a halt he straightened and looked up to a hazel gaze. A brief tentative smile peaked over Sam’s maroon scarf when their eyes met.

Castiel quickly stood up, sighing in relief without meaning to, he hadn’t been sure if Sam would actually appear.

“Hello, Sam.” Castiel said, returning the smile briefly, but then he took a better look at the man.

Sam actually didn’t look so well.

It was subtle and maybe Castiel wouldn’t have noticed it if he hadn’t already known Sam for a while… but his skin was definitely a little paler, his eyes a little duller… even the way he stood, with his shoulders slumped and his hands buried on his jacket, expressed fatigue.

After a moment Sam sighed, shaking his head a little and averting his eyes, only then Castiel realized he must had been staring at him in silence a little too long.

“I guess… you want to talk.” Sam said softly, balancing his weight from one foot to the other.

Castiel flinched and stared at the young man for a moment, dumbfounded by Sam’s boldness. 

The way he said it… Castiel knew what he meant. Not just a casual chat or the relaxed unimportant conversations they usually had.

A talk. A real talk.

Yes, that was exactly what he wanted. And, hearing it from Sam’s own lips, made a little rush of eagerness shoot through Castiel’s stomach.

“Yes.” He took a step forward but caught up with the new burst of excitement and contained himself from reaching out for Sam too much. Castiel bowed his head instead and was quick to add. “If you want to.”

Sam let out a slow exhale through his nose, silently staring at his feet for a couple more moments.

“I think I do… But more than that…”

He sneaked up a glance at Castiel and quickly dropped his eyes again. And just like that, with his hands completely buried in his pockets and chewing on his lower lip, Sam looked like a shy kid.

“I just… I want to keep talking to you, Cas.” Then he quickly cleared his throat and looked around, turning a little more serious. “But I can’t do that and ignore how fucked up my life is… that feels like I’m lying to you, and that’s the last thing I want.” Sam frowned, shaking his head as if scaring a thought away. “So… I can either start telling you or walk away.”

Castiel had to fight against the set of confused feelings that rose with those words.

Castiel did want to know. He wanted to know more of Sam and his “fucked up” life, understand him, be there for him...  
But he didn’t like how Sam talked about it. How he somehow thought they couldn’t come back to being as they were, as if the happy and relaxed version Castiel had met was nothing more than a lie, or worse… something unimportant.

He didn’t want Sam to feel forced into having this kind of talk or else end their friendship...

But as he looked at Sam, at his tired but determined features, Castiel knew it really wasn’t his choice to make.

“If that’s what you need, Sam.” He said softly with a nod.

Sam looked at him at those words, wide hazel eyes searching Castiel’s face as if to determine if he was being honest. After a few seconds the hard lines that had formed on Sam’s expression and shoulders slowly relaxed and he nodded too.  
His hair was all ruffled up from the wind around them, long brown locks tangling around his face and his worn-out scarf, Castiel discarded the thought of how it was kind of attractive, to focus on how if they talked in this windy place Sam was going to get cold without a proper coat.

“Should we go somewhere?” Castiel suggested with a tilt of his head.

 

.

 

They didn’t have to walk far before they found a nice quiet coffee shop, with light warm colors and a large set of windows. Castiel encouraged Sam to choose a spot to his liking while Castiel ordered two cups of coffee.

When a couple of minutes later their order came, he turned and found Sam in a booth by a window on the far corner of the establishment.

As far from the door and other costumers as you could get.

Castiel wasn’t really expecting anything else.

He silently approached him, watching the man tear a paper tissue in little pieces between his fingers while looking blankly out of the window.

“Here.” Castiel placed one mug on the table and slid into the other side of the booth.

Sam simply nodded in thanks, absently letting go of the ruined napkin and surrounding the cup with both hands instead. He stared at the steaming liquid, not giving any kind of sign to actually go ahead and drink it. The young man seemed lost in thought and Castiel sipped in silence at his own coffee, deciding to just be patient and wait for Sam to start the conversation.

After a few silent minutes only altered by the soft clicking and muffled conversations barely filling the air of the cafeteria, Sam tilted his head down and breathed out a soft chuckle.  
Castiel blinked and put down his coffee to direct all his attention to the man, who still seemed determined to keep his eyes fixed on his untouched drink.

“It’s just…” Sam shook his head slowly, a little self-deprecating grimace forming on his lips. “Here I am, trying to openly talk about these things for once…” He gripped his cup tight and Castiel knew for a fact that if it had been made of paper Sam would probably have crushed it by now, spilling all its contents and burning his hands in the process. Thank God for glazed ceramic. “…And I can’t even bring myself to start.”

Castiel hummed in understanding, but still stayed silent for a few moments, just in case Sam finally found the way to begin… but Sam’s expression only grew more and more frustrated.

“May I then?” He offered without much of a second thought.

Sam kind of flinched then, straightening himself and looking right at Castiel for the first time since they’d entered the coffee shop, obviously completely caught off guard by his offer.

“What?” Sam said almost dumbly, brows twitching in confusion.

Castiel tilted his head, a little amused smile pulling at the corners of his lips.

“You may not have noticed Sam, but… you don’t know much about me either.”

Sam opened his mouth with a slightly offended expression, as if to protest, but then shut it as he continued to look at Castiel’s face, searching, thinking... Castiel could practically hear his brain rewinding and replaying all the conversations between them from the past month.  
Soon enough Sam’s eyes widened as the realization that, indeed, he didn’t know as much about Castiel as he thought, seemed to hit him.

“But you don’t need to…”

“No, I don’t.” Castiel interrupted him gently. “And I don’t feel the need to tell you, just like I know you don’t really mind not knowing… yet.” Castiel smiled briefly, he knew he could have left that ‘yet’ out of the sentence, he doubted Sam was one to resent someone for not sharing their past. “But, since you do feel the need to tell me about you, I think this conversation will be much more pleasant if I do so myself.”

Sam closed his mouth and didn’t protest. Instead a new glint of curiosity emerged on his features as he slightly leaned –probably unconsciously– towards Castiel, hazel eyes completely focused on his face as if by just looking at him Sam could figure out by himself what Castiel was about to tell him.

Castiel felt a sudden rush of heat expand through his cheeks. He wasn’t expecting this kind of attention. He certainly wasn’t expecting Sam to suddenly look at him as if he was the most interesting thing of this century.

But the young man didn’t seem as tense as before and for that Castiel had to be thankful.

He breathed in and tried to organize his thoughts, sympathizing with Sam for a moment because it truly was very hard to know where to start… or know what to tell.

“I’ve been working in Gabriel’s restaurant for two years now, almost three.” He said, deciding to begin with something familiar for Sam. “I actually helped Gabriel remodel it almost from scratch and officially re-open it.”

Castiel looked around the cafeteria, the chairs, the booths, the little tables and thought about how similar and how different everything was to his working place. Hmm, those chairs actually seemed better than the ones in the pizzeria, barely but better. He made a mental note to talk about chairs with Gabriel.

Castiel shook his head and looked back at Sam who seemed to be swallowing his every word eagerly. Castiel averted his gaze again, clearing his throat and fighting the now expected blush that was trying to extend to the rest of his face.

“You could say my job is my life, it fills my time, it's where my friends are and my general situation would probably be a disaster without it. I'm not exactly wealthy… even with a stable job I've always had problems with my rent, landlords or… eating.” Castiel sighed and closed his eyes shortly, he wasn’t exactly proud of half the information he was about to reveal. “I started with less than nothing, so even with a steady income of money any little emergency or unexpected situation could leave me starving for a week. And… it seems like that’s what happened almost every week.” Castiel smiled sadly. “Every month I thought I could save some more money, that… I would have time before the next thing happened to me. I just needed a lucky month but… bad luck seemed to be very fond of me.”

He looked up at Sam and, shockingly, he didn’t see any pity on his expression instead he seemed… understanding. Somehow Castiel could feel as if Sam was watching him with a new air of respect. That was unexpected and somehow… flattering in a weird sense.

“That is, until a couple of months ago.” Castiel frowned, rephrasing in his head what he was about to say next, and finally shrugged dismissively. “Let’s say I managed. Now I can live a little more at ease and without having to depend on Gabriel’s charity if I have an emergency.”

Castiel noticed that Sam was twitching now, biting on his lip while making his cup spin slowly with the pads of his fingers. Castiel tilted his head.

“You can ask away.”

A bewildered smile passed through Sam’s lips before he concentrated again with a little frown, he gesticulated a little with one hand before finally speaking up.

“Back then didn’t you… have any family that could have helped you?”

Castiel sighed, he was expecting that. It didn’t make it any less hard.

“My family has always wanted to control me, my decisions, my future… and I let them for the most part of my life.” He straightened in his seat, jaw set and serious. “When I finally understood I was never going to be happy where I was and refused to continue following their orders they cut all strings with me. As I grew up almost only socializing with my family… you could say I was left for dead. If not for a handful of people who took pity on me and helped me survive until I found Gabriel I think I would be in the streets right now.”

Sam reached out for him and suddenly there was a big hand on top of Castiel’s, it was warm and comforting and Castiel felt something relax inside of him.

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Sam whispered, and Castiel knew he was.

Sam didn’t add anything else, as if he knew there wasn’t too much to say, no way to change what had happened.

“Don’t be.” Castiel smiled up at the kind man, feeling lighter now that he had told Sam a little of it. “Now I have friends and people that care about me.”

Sam smiled at that, sweet and wide, making Castiel’s heart flutter a little. Then he dropped his gaze to look down at their hands, stroking Castiel’s knuckles lightly with his thumb, Sam took a long deep breath.

“I never told you about my brother, did I?”

Castiel barely dared to blink, too expectant now and somehow too pinned on the spot by the warmth of Sam’s hand.

“You didn’t.” He managed.

“Of course.” Sam snorted in a mock of amusement. “If I had, this talk would be a lot easier.”

He sighed and reluctantly let Castiel’s hand go, leaving his own only a couple of inches away. Castiel barely resisted the urge to take it again.

“I was practically raised by him, my father was way too busy chasing my mother’s ghost or bossing us both around about our future. A little like your family did, I guess.”

Even if there was some resentment in his voice Sam’s eyes were sad.

“Dean… my brother, always did as my father said, tried to make him proud but I… Well, it seems like I inherited my mom’s stubbornness.” Sam laughed. It wasn’t a happy laugh. “So I rebelled through all my teenage years until somehow, with Dean’s help, I ended up getting a scholarship for Stanford.”

Castiel’s eyebrows shot up, that wasn’t bad at all, that was extremely remarkable.

“But… why would your father not want that?” Castiel murmured, trying to make sense of it, not a lot of people would be displeased by such news.

“He was a veteran. A soldier.” Sam shook his head and Castiel took note on that ‘was’. “The battlefield didn’t treat him well, Cas. I don’t think he saw the world as a normal person anymore. Or maybe he was always like that. I wouldn’t remember either way, I was barely a toddler when he was discharged.”

Sam sighed, rubbing his eyes with one hand. Then he let his fingers roam higher and into his hair, leaving his hand halfway there to rest his elbow on the table and lean his weight on it.

“It was always all about being strong and defending ourselves and the ones around us. But also never trusting anyone too much... Be fast, be tough… It’s not hard to imagine why the decision of getting into a ‘book-worm’ career seemed like a waste of time to him.”

After that, Sam stayed silent for a few moments, lost in the memories with his brow furrowed. He eventually swallowed and looked up at Castiel.

“I think it’s better if I talk about that some other time.”

It sounded kind of like a question, as if Sam wasn’t really sure if he should talk about it or not. Castiel was quick to nod in hopes to reassure him, Sam nodded back with a grateful little smile.

“Anyway, back to my brother.”

Sam sighed, he seemed so tired all of the sudden that Castiel wanted for him to stop, take a break, drink his coffee… He controlled himself and didn’t say anything, but his hand involuntarily slid closer to Sam’s.

“Dean… well, he isn’t only the one who raised me. He was my role model, taught me everything I know and supported me while I was growing up. He is the strongest person I know and I’ll probably never stop looking up to him.”

There was something bittersweet in watching Sam talk about his brother, like seeing someone revive a very happy memory that’s now long gone.

“We were very close and we’ve always had each other’s backs but...” Sam pressed his lips into a thin line, hands closing into tight fists on the table. “Something happened, Cas.” He swallowed. “A lot of things happened… to both of us. We were away from each other for a long time, and then when we finally got back together… Nothing seemed to fit like it did before.”

Sam closed his eyes tightly and Castiel only realized he had slid his hand too close to Sam’s when the other man only had to rotate his wrist to hold it. Castiel didn’t mind one bit.

“We have tried to make things right so many times but… there are just too many mistakes, too many demons to fight, too much memories unshared to understand each other.” Sam’s voice was getting lower and lower, sometimes cracking softly at the end of a sentence. “Only a few days before I met you… Dean found out about something. I should have told him, I know I should… but I didn’t. And this time he just… walked away. I haven’t heard from him ever since.”

Sam was gripping Castiel’s hand as if was a lifeline, and as Castiel felt the deep sorrow in Sam’s words, he reached out with his other hand and placed it on top of the other two, cocooning Sam’s big hand in his and squeezing it in silence. Sam didn’t comment, he just leaned in and returned the hold eagerly.

“That night… in the park.” Sam whispered with his head low. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I just… You offered to help me and… I didn’t think I deserved help. I was mad and frustrated with myself for not being able to deal with my problems on my own. For always running for my big brother to throw my shit at him when he already has more problems that he deserves. I was mad because even when I thought so… I’ve been trying to contact Dean for the past two weeks.” He shook his head weakly. “I can’t… I need to know he’s okay. And you were right, I need somebody too. Because even if I can’t do it on my own I still need to deal somehow with what’s going on with me. And he won’t answer my calls or my texts... He’s the only family I have left, Cas.”

Sam’s voice cracked as he went silent.

Castiel wanted to protect this man.

He wanted to find his brother Dean, convince him to come back home to Sam, maybe punch him if he didn’t have good enough reasons to stay away from his dear brother.

Castiel wanted to hug him and pet his hair until Sam fell asleep and make sure he stayed like that for hours so he could rest.

Castiel wanted to invite him to a couple of hundreds of pizzas to make sure he was eating properly.

But Castiel knew he couldn’t… he couldn’t so he did the only thing he knew he could do.

Castiel held Sam’s shaky hand, grip steady and firm.

“Sam… I’m not your brother.”

Castiel held Sam’s hand between his own like he did the first time they met, wishing sadly he could be that person Sam needed.

“I probably can’t fix your problems or even give you proper advice.”

Castiel held Sam’s hand and caressed it softly, wishing Sam could trust in him enough to tell him everything that had been left between lines.

“But I meant what I said: please, consider me for anything. If you are suffering, I want to be there for you. Even if I can only give you…”

Castiel held Sam’s hand tighter, closer, wishing the trembling away.

“…this”

Sam didn’t raise his head, he didn’t look up or made any sign that he had even heard Castiel. But then he slowly closed his vacant hand on top of the rest. The trembling didn’t stop.

“Believe me, Cas...”

Sam leaned in over the table even more, almost touching their intertwined hands with his forehead. Long strands of hair brushed Castiel’s wrists, creating a curtain that hid Sam’s expression.

“I didn’t even dare to hope for _this_...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this hurt? Is this comfort? Is it a smoothie made of tears and blood? Well, not just yet my friends, not yet...
> 
> You guys wanted Dean! Now you know! (Well, not really but... more than before! I'm working on it! They can't spill all the beans just like that!)
> 
> I'll never get tired of asking for your opinion! You don't know how much it means to me when you share your thoughts with me, so please go down and leave a comment! Or kudos! 
> 
> Both are free and make your fellow writer here happy like a puppy! :D


	9. Fanart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there, you wonderful readers!
> 
> Sorry for the ones waiting for a new chapter, this isn't one... but don't worry cause it's even better!
> 
> It's a fanart the wonderful sassy-pistachy made of the last scene of Chapter 8!
> 
> LOOK <3

Go to sassy-pistachy's tumblr, she's a wonderful artist and better person! I love her too much... if you are reading this: I love you jerk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Sorry, I had to make a chapter only with this, I had to. If this happens in the future I'll hold myself back and do as most authors do and just leave a link to the art... maybe)
> 
> I'll be posting a new chapter very soon! :D


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you! Smoke and mirrors, I'm back!
> 
> I had a minor writer's block with this but I hope you'll be happy to know everything is falling into place! There's still a long road ahead, but I'm excited about it cause now I know almost exactly how it's going to be!
> 
> Alright, no more chit-chat! Here you have another chapter beautiful people!
> 
> Enjoy!

 

Neither Sam nor Castiel seemed to like the idea of parting ways after their talk dimmed and the remains of their drinks got cold. Still too emotional –as Sam pointed out with an embarrassed cough– to deal with the perspective of being alone… or to leave the other by himself. From Castiel’s perspective there was really only one solution for that.

Sam had never been to Castiel’s flat anyway.

 

.

 

The phone rang and Gabriel breathed in deeply before picking it up. 

Thankfully it was just another teenager asking for enough pizzas to feed a family for a whole week. He wrote the order down quickly, trying to make his mind focus into the familiar frantic routine and not snap too much at the teen on the other side of the line who couldn’t vocalize for his life. Then he yelled a little at Kevin for taking too long in his deliveries –even when Gabriel knew he practically had done them in record time– and pretended he didn’t hear Anna laugh it off and reassure the poor kid that he was doing a great job.

This is why he stayed in the kitchen and hired beautiful people to face the costumers. Gabriel was on edge and he knew it, it wasn’t exactly unusual for him, but this week…

The phone rang again and Gabriel picked it up without giving it much thought.

“This is Shurley’s Pizza, how can I assist you?”

“Well, hello there, Gabriel.”

A cold feeling crawled through his body and settled in his stomach, even though he had been anticipating this call the whole day the cool confident voice left Gabriel frozen in the spot for a moment. Quickly the shock morphed into the deep angry feeling he had also been building up just for this moment, he clenched the phone hard in his fist.

“I told you not to call again.” Gabriel hissed between clenched teeth.

“Oh, did you?” The voice sang with innocence so fake it made Gabriel want to puke.

“Oh yeah, I did, thrice.” He couldn’t bother less about fake pleasantries. “Must be hard to make phone calls when you are deaf as a rock.”

“Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel…” The calm voice said, as if Gabriel was just a child who refused to go to bed. “Come on, I thought we were on good terms.”

“This is my business line, especially reserved for placing orders.” He said in the coldest voice he could gather. “If you want to be in good terms with me try to start by calling me on the right number.”

“My apologies, it’s hard to contact you at regular hours, you must be so invested in your… little place, you won’t answer your phone.” 

Gabriel was still in his right mind to not pick up a phone with this man’s name on the screen.

“That must be it.” He replied sharply, it didn’t matter, Gabriel knew he was just messing with him. For now. “Don’t call this number again.”

“Why, Gabriel, you seem so eager to ban me from your business. If I didn’t know you better I would say you almost seem… afraid.” The low voice was now curious and intent.

“Believe me, you need more than bullshit cryptic calls to scare lil’ old me.” He said in a light voice, trying to put as much venom as he could in his tone to hide the panic the man had caused with those words.

“Mmmm, no no… This is new…” Gabriel could almost hear the crooked smile through the phone, filled with interest and sickening mirth. “You know I didn’t think it was worth my time but… maybe I’ll pay you a visit someday.

Gabriel hung up the phone abruptly, backing off quickly until his lower back hit a stove. He stared at the innocent electronic device, petrified as if was a deadly snake that could strike him at any moment. 

He should have hung up as soon as the call had started, Gabriel thought he was smarter than this, what the hell had he been thinking? 

He hadn’t. He had been so mad he hadn’t realized his words could make things worse. 

And now Gabriel had screwed it up, badly.

“Gabe?”

Gabriel flinched. Anna was right there in the kitchen with the door closed behind her –and how hadn’t he noticed that sooner?– looking at him with worried eyes.

“What happened?”

Gabriel realized then he was panting, he swallowed and shook his head quickly.

“Nothing… uh, no just… some stupid call…” He swallowed, frowning up at Anna. “Go back to work, we certainly need it… I’m a little slow today.”

He turned around quickly and walked around a kitchen cabinet to start on the base of the trizillion pizzas he should have done by now. He had to keep his hands busy, he couldn’t let this affect him, he couldn’t let this change this place and the people in it… 

Even when with each passing day it became harder and harder to protect them.

“Is it… damn Gabe…” Anna’s sweet voice was just a whisper but she was close so Gabriel didn’t have any problems hearing her, she sounded… guilty. “Tell me this isn’t about what we talked about two days ago… You’ve been different since then and… if that has something to do with this I sincerely feel like shit for bringing it out.”

Gabriel stopped his movements for a moment, repeating her words in his head and trying to make sense of them, he was about to turn around and ask her what she meant when he realized she was talking about Dean. He knew for a fact he hadn’t talked that much about him, but maybe he hadn’t been subtle about how much he cared… had cared for the man. A new already familiar pain installed in his chest, so bittersweet and different to the dread he was feeling Gabriel almost welcomed it. 

Gabriel couldn’t help it, he supported his weight with both arms in the cabinet and laughed softly.

“I wish, darling. I wish…” He breathed in and turned, giving her a little smile he hoped was sincere enough. “You’re good, don’t worry about it. But, right now I need you to just ignore me and keep working… Can you do that?”

Anna looked as if he had asked her to ignore a drowning puppy, she looked down and pressed her lips together, nodding sharply after a few quiet moments. She looked so upset Gabriel had to try and make a joke.

“Come on, sunshine, we don’t want to scare the new kid with two long faces!” Gabriel let a hand fall on her shoulder squeezing a little and smiling a little more sincerely. “You sweep him off his feet every time you smile I don’t want to know what it’ll happen if he sees you sad!”

Anna snorted, her thin brows still furrowed but at least she rose her head to look back at Gabriel. 

“Stop trying to play matchmaker, you’re terrible at it and enjoy it way too much.” She said softly, amazingly joking back.

Gabriel laughed and patted her shoulder, feeling it as a small victory. 

“Yeah well, you still somehow influence his work, so you better come back there with your perfect white teeth for when he comes back from delivering!”

Anna eyed him with a mix of fondness and exasperation that reminded Gabriel of a mother looking at her troubled son. After a moment she sighed in defeat, mirroring his gesture and patting him on the shoulder before turning around and going for the door.

“On it, boss.”

“Nothing new about the little angel and his date?” Gabriel teased with a light tone, turning around to keep cooking and determined to make his brain as busy as possible until they closed.

Anna chuckled from the door.

“Unless Charlie talks to him I don’t think he’s going to remember we exist until Monday.”

 

.

 

“It is not half as fancy or big as your house.” Castiel kind of apologized while unlocking the door.

Sam didn’t really understand why that could make it any less of a good place but he stepped in without a word, decided to take a look for himself.

Well, true to Cas’ word, it wasn’t that spacious. The hall had enough space to place your shoes and coat and Sam just had to take two steps to get out of it and enter the living room. Once in there he only had to tilt his head to get a glimpse of the little kitchen through the doorstep on one side, he guessed that one of the two doors on the opposite wall would take to the bedroom. 

But what really made the room look cramped was how every horizontal surface seemed completely covered in books. The overflowing bookshelves near the sofa must have been filled up ages ago, forcing the rest of the books to get piled up on the corners and on the low table in front of the old TV, which also seemed to work more as an improvised shelf than for its original purpose, if the flowerpot that poured leaves on the very center of the screen was anything to go by… 

Somehow, –probably by some kind of witchcraft Cas possessed– even when the room was completely crowded with piles of paper, it still seemed perfectly neat and organized, as if everything was just where it should be. The evening sunlight poured between the soft curtains and over the paper, bouncing on the warm colors of the couch covers and making the room look cozy and inviting.

“It’s great.” Sam couldn’t help but smile at the sight, immediately feeling in his chest a new tingling desire to just flop down into the worn out sofa and bury himself in paper and words for a whole week. Or maybe just sleep, damn he felt tired. “I didn’t know you liked to read this much, Cas.”

“It is… too much, isn’t it?” Cas said behind him with a sigh, as if he had heard that declaration too many times already.

Sam shook his head fervently, turning to look at him and allowing his smile to grow into a grin.

“It’s amazing.”

That gained him a shy smile and a bow of the head on Castiel’s part. The man neatly hung his trench coat near the door and turned around with a determined look, he walked pass Sam with two big steps, stopping just in front of him and made a welcome gesture with both hands towards the room.

“Please, come in and be sure to make yourself at home.” He said with a professional attitude that bordered comedy.

Sam’s smile only widened, he raised his eyebrows in amusement at Castiel’s antics and responded in kind. “Oh, thank you, my good sir.” 

The elegant but exaggerated flourish Castiel made with one hand confirmed that he was indeed joking, Sam snorted and gave him a mocking bow in return. 

It was amazing how easily they could joke after what they had been laying on the table only an hour ago. 

Both of them seemed relaxed, at least Sam felt that way. He was still awfully tired, but calmer, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. 

Sam still didn’t know how he had managed to tell Cas all those things, about his past, about Dean… Even when he had purposely left the great majority of the story out of the frame, it still had been painful… But somehow after talking with Cas, he felt the pain getting muffled. Now it was like screams and kicks heard through a thick wall. 

Both knew it wasn’t over though, he had seen it in Castiel’s eyes, in his offering of being there for him… this was only starting, there was too much left unsaid and this lighthearted feeling left by having shared some of it would eventually fade and disappear and the pain would come back. 

But right now, in here, surrounded by the smell of paper and smoothly sharing little jokes with Castiel, he felt as if he could ignore it and pretend it wasn’t there.  
Sam decided to do just that by focusing his attention on Castiel and his still lingering act, similar to that of an English butler. 

When they met he would have never believed that under this man’s usual serious behavior could be so much sass and good-hearted silliness. It wasn’t always there though. Sam had observed that this part of Cas usually only came out when he felt relaxed and comfortable with his surroundings. Probably now it was because Cas was in his own familiar flat, and also maybe… Sam couldn’t ignore how his chest fluttered in delight at the possibility that he himself may have something to do with Cas’ mood. 

That thought also calmed down Sam’s involuntary fear that he had bothered Cas with his troubles enough for today. Surely Cas wouldn’t be this comfortable if he didn’t want Sam to be there… right? Right.

“Mmm, I skipped lunch.” Castiel was muttering almost to himself, absently heading towards the kitchen, he stopped in the doorframe to turn his head towards Sam. “Did you have lunch?”

“I don’t think so.” Sam said with a grimace, he had to admit he didn’t even remember having breakfast. Maybe he had eaten something the night before. Maybe.

Of course he only admitted this to himself, and Castiel hummed calmly, looking at a clock in the wall and wrinkling his nose at the hour displayed on it as if it was a personal offense. He drummed his fingers on the wooden frame, thinking.

“We could always have an early dinner.” Castiel suggested finally with a shrug.

“A very early dinner.” Sam pointed out contemplating the clock as well, but he wasn’t exactly going to complain about it, instead Sam turned to his friend trying not to look as eager and hungry as he suddenly felt. “I’m in.”

Castiel nodded, settling the agreement without another word, and turned into his heels and into the kitchen. He started clicking his tongue even while reaching for the door of the fridge, disapproving of its contents before even looking at them. 

Sam had to agree with him, as he drew nearer to check over Castiel’s shoulder and saw it was almost empty.

“Unacceptable.” Cas muttered.

“Maybe take out then?” Sam suggested, fighting back a smile at Castiel’s betrayed tone.

Cas hummed his approval and proceeded to close the fridge, he then turned around and looked straight at Sam expectantly. Sam couldn’t help but flinch. He felt very awake all of the sudden. He blamed it on how Cas didn’t seem to mind just staring at him that close up, as if the concept of personal space was something lost to him. Maybe it was.

Sam cleared his throat and took a step back, feigning thought and pondering about options of take out when he actually already knew his answer and was too busy getting flustered anyway.

“Well… Is it too much if I ask for pizza?” Sam chuckled nervously tucking a wild strand of hair behind his ear. “From your work?”

“Of course not.” Castiel was now smiling at him, almost fondly. “I know you like it.”

“Yeah, I sure do.” Sam laughed, feeling his cheeks flush a little. “I don’t know what you guys do to them but it should be illegal.”

Castiel bowed his head a little, breathing out a low chuckle that Sam decided also should be illegal. Then Cas was waving him towards the door and back into the living room.

“Well, I hope the law doesn’t share your opinion or we will be dramatically forced to end our business.” Cas said, reaching out for an old phone on the wall.

“Your pizza would still sell well though, even illegal.” Sam leaned into the wall just in front of Cas letting his weight rest against it.

“With you as our only faithful client?” Castiel’s eyes were practically shimmering with mirth while he dialed.

“Well, I am a growing man.” Sam shrugged.

This was the moment when most people snickered and made a comment about his height and how if he grew anymore he would probably be able to lick the ceilings or some similar nonsense.

Instead Castiel turned serious and looked at Sam up and down curiously, the phone still against his ear and probably already ringing. Then Cas tilted his head and proceeded to… tiptoe his way into Sam’s personal space. Literally.

“Cas, what are you doing?” Sam instinctively straightened himself up, half flustered again by the sudden closeness and half amused by how ridiculous Cas looked struggling to stay stable on the tip of his toes.

“Calculating.” Cas said simply as if it were obvious, his now serious eyes fixed on Sam with obvious concentration.

It was kind of hard to subtly run away from the situation when his back was against the wall, so Sam decided to indulge Cas on whatever the hell he was doing. Sam had gotten used to Cas sudden odd occurrences, they were actually fun and kind of interesting to watch. But he couldn’t help but feel just a bit mortified this time. He was definitely blushing now. And could he be blamed? Castiel was a handsome man and Sam wasn’t blind, so it was definitely hard to distract himself from just how good-looking Cas was when Sam had his face mere inches apart from his. 

This could get awkward. Sam could get awkward. He didn’t want things to be awkward between him and Cas.

He tried to hide his sudden urge to fidget by raising a silent questioning eyebrow at Cas, who didn’t stop his “calculating” –whatever he meant by that– even when someone picked the phone on the other side of the line and he began to speak back. Working on the pizzeria must be nice for this situations, when the only information Cas had to provide was “it’s me” and what he wanted to eat. Though the person on the other side of the line seemed to like to try and start a full on conversation.

Even when Cas was still inappropriately close –and, really, that was starting to make him sweat- Sam couldn’t help but grin and snicker when the man started doing little stupid jumps from time to time while asking Sam with a completely straight face what kind of pizza he wanted. 

This man was weird and a national treasure. 

But he also needed to take a step back as soon as possible. Sam was getting really embarrassed and God knew he wasn’t that good of an actor to be able to hide it.

“Have your ‘calculations’ provided you with any conclusions yet?” Sam cleared his throat to try to hide the urgent tone from his voice.

Castiel hung up with a click and narrowed his blue eyes towards him, giving Sam a last assessing look. Then he nodded to himself, seemingly satisfied, stopping his extravagant inspection and returning to his normal stable stature.

“Yes, I like you height.” Cas finally said with a little smile. “It’s refreshing.”

Sam allowed himself to breathe out in relief when his friend walked away and turned his attention on moving away a book from the couch. Sam shook his head at Castiel’s words, a little confused.

“Refreshing?”

“I’m taller than average so I’m not used to having to look up, plus all my coworkers are short people.” Cas sat on the couch, inviting Sam to do the same with a gesture. “Please, don’t tell them I said that, for some reason they get quite offended when I point it out.”

When Sam continued leaning against the wall and failed to join him in the couch -Sam was still kind of trying to calm himself down after all that proximity- Cas tilted his head and frowned. 

Sam was just about to clear his throat and get his act together when suddenly Castiel’s expression dropped.

“I apologize.” He said in a low voice, he looked down as if ashamed. “I should have been more careful.”

Sam blinked and stared for a moment. Why was he apologizing? Suddenly his friend was serious, tense and clearly avoiding looking at him. He had never seen Castiel close himself up this way. He didn’t like it. 

Sam waved away the shock and quickly got to his side on the couch.

“No, no… Cas… what-?” Sam stuttered, looking at Cas neutral expression with increasing worry, trying and failing to make sense of this change. He reached out but stopped himself before touching him, not knowing what to do. “Please, you lost me… What are you talking about?”

Cas breathed in, staring ahead at some point of the room.

“I’ve made you uncomfortable. I’m bad at reading people when I’m distracted so I probably did something inappropriate without noticing.”

“Something-…”

“I’m sorry I don’t know what it was, if it was something I said, or did…” He looked at Sam briefly, and in his eyes there was something urgent. “Please, Sam, forgive me I didn’t mean to do it.”

“Cas…”

“And also before at the coffee shop…” Castiel’s eyes closed as he shook his head. “You told me just yesterday that holding hands was an intimate contact… And still I went ahead and took your hand again. Sam, I’m sorry, I haven’t noticed until now I’ve been careless. It wasn’t my intention…”

“Cas!”

Castiel flinched and closed his mouth, but he kept his eyes closed. Sam inched closer to him.

“Stop it, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Sam said with a soft voice, he understood though. He understood how Cas' unusual ways could have gotten him into trouble in the past even when he only meant good. But Sam was fine with it, he didn’t see anything wrong with it, Cas had to know. “I’m fine, Cas. Just now I just got a little em… flustered, that’s all. You didn’t make me uncomfortable, I swear, I would have told you if you did.”

Castiel stayed in silence for a moment, visibly gulping before hesitantly murmuring.

“You would?”

“Yeah! Like before in the coffee shop, when I didn’t want to talk about… my dad and college? I told you, didn’t I?” He tried to smile for his friend, he hoped it didn’t came out as sad as he suddenly felt. “And, if I get truly upset about something well… I can’t hide that, so you’ll know.” 

It was Sam’s turn to hang his head with shame, Cas already knew that well, Sam was not proud of how he seemed to deal with strong emotions by hurting people and running away. He shook his head and breathed out slowly, when he looked back up Cas had finally raised his eyes and was looking back at him. Sam smiled softly. 

“I’ve already had a life in this society full of correct people with their pleasantries, secrets and double meanings. I really like your boldness, Cas…. It’s refreshing.”

That comment earned him a little smirk from Cas, and upon seeing it Sam felt confident enough to continue, his spirits lifting a little. 

“Cas, you are the kindest most straightforward person I’ve even known.” The kind part was important too, God knew the only sincere people the world sometimes seemed to have were asshole without a filter in their mouths. Castiel was honest and good. Weird, but always good. “And if that translates into some social mistakes from time to time, then so be it! I’m in for all of it, like in the coffee shop. I took your hand too, remember?” 

In for a penny, in for a pound. Sam reached out and held Castiel’s hand to emphasize his words, blue eyes widened and looked down with surprise. 

“Please, just do what feels natural for you, even if you think it might be inappropriate or something… up to this moment it has worked out just fine. Trust me, if I don’t like it I’ll tell you.”

Castiel looked at their hands for a couple of moments more, probably thinking about Sam’s words. Eventually he nodded, his body visibly relaxing as he raised his eyes to Sam.

“Thank you, Sam.” There was a tentative smile forming on his lips. “And I do trust you.” 

Sam felt a soothing sensation fill him, he didn’t know why but those words made him feel… accomplished. He smiled back for a moment only to realize he had been holding Cas’ hand a little too tightly. A little embarrassed Sam loosened his hold and, with a final little pat, removed his hand completely. Suddenly he felt hyperaware of how close they were sitting. 

Castiel was frowning now, narrowed eyes searching Sam’s face. It was exactly the same expression he had had a few minutes ago when “calculating” and Sam realized this was probably what Castiel looked like when he was trying to figure out something.

“What is it?” Sam said with a nervous smile, he couldn’t help it, Castiel gaze was intense.

“I thought you felt uncomfortable before.” Cas said with a tilt of his head. “It looked like you were, but you just said you weren’t… so that must mean it’s something else.” Sam felt a little pinch of joy at how Cas seemed to have decided to take Sam’s words to heart. “And now… you look just like that again.”

“Oh… um, do I?”

Sam couldn’t be a hundred percent sure of how he looked but he did have a suspicion, and if it was what he was thinking… Jesus Christ, then he wasn’t prepared for this.  
He cleared his throat and looked away, cursing all his stars when he felt his face getting hot. Sam couldn’t bring himself to dismiss Cas or tell him he was imagining things. Not right after Cas had said he trusted him.

“Well… yeah it’s not that I’m uncomfortable exactly… Um, you could say I am, but not exactly in a bad way?” 

Oh for God’s sake, was he going to explain it? Hey, Cas, so you are very beautiful and it’s hard for me to look at you in the eye up this close because of it… sorry if now I’m the one making you uncomfortable! 

Sam closed his eyes tightly.

“Just, don’t worry about it… I’ll be fine.” 

God, he was such a jerk, that wasn’t good enough either. Grunting Sam let his face fall into his hands, completely defeated and mortified with himself. 

“Look, it’s not bad, just complicated… Well, complicated for me to tell you, the thing is pretty simple actually…” 

It would be nice if the earth just opened up and swallowed him whole. Like, right now, thank you. Sam carded his hands through his hair, pulling the strands a little. 

“God, I’m making a mountain out of a grain of sand… I’ll eventually tell you…” Sam risked out a glance at his friend, aware his face must be completely red by now. “…Is that alright?”

Some of the curious look still lingered in Castiel’s features but he was quick to nod.

“Though I don’t understand what you are talking about, I can wait.” Cas didn’t hesitate, nor did he seem upset or confused by Sam’s babbling. Instead he added with a solemn expression. “And, Sam, you are in no obligation to tell me anything you don’t want to.” 

Sam laughed, delighted at how easy it was to talk to this man, his fear of Castiel getting angry at him for not telling him now felt ridiculous. Castiel seemed more concerned about Sam being comfortable and well than knowing what he was thinking… and if that made Sam a little warm inside it was no one’s business but his own.

“It’s not that much of a big deal, really.” Sam straightened up, letting a hand fall onto Castiel’s shoulder. “But thank you, Cas. You know you’re great, right?”

Castiel smiled a little, watching Sam for a quiet moment before raising an eyebrow. “Are you planning on inflating my ego with so much praise today, Sam?” Cas said with a teasing tone.

Sam snorted, using his hand on Castiel’s shoulder to push him playfully. 

“Oh no, you saw right through me.” He muttered with mocking shock. “Why must you ruin my evil plans, man?” 

Cas shoved him back, shaking his head in a dramatic display of disapproval. “Your tyranny of compliments has gone too far, Sam.”

“I’ll never stop, there’s never enough.” Sam let himself fall back on the couch. He sighed blissfully, suddenly feeling in full force just how tired he was.

“Then I have to take action, Sam. You must be stopped.” Castiel said with a dignity that paled most classic movie heroes.

Sam smiled lazily at him, too content surrounded by the softness of the pillows and their little sarcastic exchange. 

“I’ll praise you to death before you can stop me.” He murmured.

Then Castiel actually grinned back, wide and a little crooked. If smiles could blind, Sam’s eyes would probably be nonexistent by now, but they didn’t and Sam still had his eyes intact, so nothing kept him from staring.

The doorbell startled and saved Sam from prolonging his new –and probably creepy– ogling.

“Most likely that’s our food.”

 

.

 

Gabriel hummed a song he didn’t remember the name of while he worked, distracting himself with the thought of how fun it would have been to deliver the food to Cas’ house himself. He could have taken the chance to tease his employee and Sam a bit, maybe say hi to the kid properly after all these years. Because yeah he was a hundred percent sure that Sam was the one in Castiel’s house –who else?– and damn those two seemed glued to the hip now. 

Gabriel would have enjoyed so much seeing them squirm uncomfortably at the million innuendos he had stoked just for the pair of them. 

But he couldn’t exactly leave the restaurant now. He had cooking to do and after that call earlier the simple thought of stepping outside his business made him twitch. 

“Um, Gabriel?” 

Anna was in the kitchen and Gabriel hadn’t noticed when that had happened, again. How did the girl managed to be so sneaky? He hummed in acknowledgement from where he was setting the time of a pair of ovens.

She cleared her throat.

“I don’t want to sound paranoid or anything but…” There was a pause. “There’s a strange man staring at the pizzeria.”

Gabriel’s head snapped up, Anna stood tense not really looking at him, nervously biting on her lip and sneaking glances out to the door. 

“Explain.” Gabriel straightened up, giving her all his attention.

“Well… I would have thought it was just my imagination but I’ve seen him around since Wednesday.” She frowned. “He has never entered but he definitely seems… intent? Like he’s looking for something. He walks around and openly stares with this calculating look… maybe it’s nothing but he still kind of gives me the creeps.”

The string of emotions that went through Gabriel was already familiar. Shock and panic, a primal reaction consequent of getting caught off guard, which was immediately followed and almost buried with pure rage and the determination to fight the sick son of a bitch he could guess was making Anna so fidgety. 

He knew that call had practically doomed him into having to face an unwanted visit… but Anna said she had seen him for the last three days... Had the man been playing Gabriel with those calls all along? Had he pretended not being interested in approaching Gabriel’s business while calling from the other side of the street?

“Gabriel?” Anna was looking at him with a wary expression.

He shook his head, clenching his fists and reminding himself this creepy stranger Anna was talking about might not be him. Unlikely, but it was still a possibility.

“What does this man look like?”

“Um… I would say he's somewhat younger than you. White, tall, dark blonde… scary and determined expression?” She said, letting out a soft nervous laugh.

And the coldest blue eyes she would ever see, he thought she would have said if she had been close enough.

“Is this man still outside?” Gabriel said, untying his apron and throwing it aside.

“Uh, yeah… I think so, sitting on a bench.”

Before Anna got to say anything else Gabriel was out, closing the backdoor of the shop before him. He didn’t want to rage out through the front door and draw his customers’ attention. Above all he was a professional, unlike this cockroach who dared to threaten him and stand in front of his business for days, unnerving his employees. God, did that meant he had done this in the mornings too? Gabriel was going to punch his way through that smug pretty face if that was so.

He went around the building in long strides, targeting in his mind the place where Anna said she had seen him and directly going there. Gabriel’s raging mind didn’t process that the figure actually sitting on said bench didn’t fit with who he was looking for. 

That is, until he was mere feet away.

Gabriel stopped in his tracks and if his heart had been beating fast, furiously pumping anger into his veins, in that moment it skipped a beat and stopped.

He stand frozen for a moment, dumbstruck with his eyes wide open. His rage was forgotten. Everything was forgotten as he stared at the profile of the figure before him. At this unrealistic hallucination. This illusion that his too tumultuous brain must have made up just to haunt him... it was the only explanation. 

There was no way this could be real. 

Gabriel must have made some kind of noise because the vision before him flinched and quickly turned its head in his direction. Big eyes widened in recognition, and they were so not blue… but green. So green...

Gabriel felt himself choke, his body forgetting for a moment how breathing worked.

“…Dean?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! I did it! He's here! Fiiiinally! Let the trumpets sound! HAHA
> 
> Alright now, I hope you don't mind if some chapters are like this and have a little of Gabriel and/or Dean too. I find their story worthy to be told too (at least a little) and sometimes very needed for the plot soooo... yeah I'm going to do it, but sorry if it's not your cup of tea.
> 
> As for Sam and Cas, well I absolutely needed a relaxed moment for them right now, there's going to be enough drama later... or maybe not, who knows! Sometimes I'm a ruthless god, sometimes I'm weak.
> 
> Who's the stranger on the phoooone? (Ha, who am I kidding as if that's a mystery)
> 
> Please go below and leave a comment with your thoughts! No matter how short or long reading and replying to every single one of them is the biggest pleasure of writing! Kudos are charming too of course


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry you guys! This time I overdid myself, two months, jeez! This time though I didn't take so long to publish because of personal matters.  
> The reason is that this chapter was just a bitch, it settles a lot of things happening in the next chapters and I just wanted to have it all settled and organized.
> 
> Anyways, I hope there's still some of you guys out there willing to read!  
> Let's see how our guys are doing!

Castiel didn’t want to wake Sam up.

The food had arrived and they had settled in the kitchen’s little table –Castiel preferred to keep greasy substances out of reach of his books– to eat while casually chatting… well, more like Castiel had talked while Sam almost inhaled two whole pizzas. He didn’t know whether the young man had been starving or if it was a natural thing for him to eat so much. Maybe both.

After that Sam had been pliant as a sedated puppy, listening to Castiel’s every word, all easy smiles and half-lidded eyes from sleep. When Castiel finally asked him if he wanted to take a nap Sam refused his offer politely, stubbornly denying being tired. Obviously Castiel didn’t believe him for a moment. He had insisted for them to at least move to the living room and the young man had accepted, not without some reluctance. Two minutes later Sam was snoring softly on the couch.

Now several hours had passed and Castiel looked down at the man lying face down on the pillows like a starfish, having an internal battle with himself about whether or not it was time to wake him up.

Castiel had no problem with his friend sleeping there as long as he needed, but he didn’t know if Sam required to be somewhere else, if he might have some kind of appointment, maybe a job… He still didn’t know much about Sam if he was honest, and even if that didn’t actually bother him it did made his actual choice quite difficult. In all honesty, Castiel wouldn’t have thought twice about waking Sam up to ask him if he weren’t looking so… peaceful.

The man was loosely hugging the pillow where he was resting his head, breathing deeply between parted lips with his cheek pressed against the soft fabric. The lines in his forehead and between his eyebrows had completely smoothed out into nothingness, making him look younger and somewhat innocent. Plus, Sam hadn’t made any indication of waking up ever since he had closed his eyes… which, to be honest, troubled Castiel a bit. How much had Sam been sleeping this last days? He hadn’t even stirred when Castiel had made a stack of books collapse loudly to the ground while trying to reach one of them…

Oh right, that was related to the other half of the problem.

And that was that the pillow Sam had been holding like a long-lost lover for the past three hours… was located in _Castiel’s lap_. Which meant he was a little stuck in the spot both by the man’s weight and the fear to disturb his deep slumber. Luckily, Castiel’s trustworthy books provided him with quite enough distractions and were conveniently within reach. Sadly, he didn’t think his bladder would be as happy to keep holding back much longer.

Castiel sighed, he guessed that settled the answer to his dilemma.

Still, it was hard to look down at the tangle of chestnut locks in his lap and make the decision to move and disturb him. It was also hard to not touch such soft looking hair. Castiel had been pondering for over an hour if it would be inappropriate to do so, if it would be out of line… But yet again, Sam had said he wanted Castiel to do whatever he felt as natural. So... was this natural? Could he touch Sam’s hair out of the blue? Castiel couldn’t help but connect the touch to some kind of romantic gesture even if friends also touched each other’s hair sometimes, well, at least Charlie did.

Was Castiel associating it as a romantic touch just because it was directed to Sam? That was certainly an interesting thought but it somehow still didn’t convince his mind against the desire to just reach out to touch said hair.

So he did it. He had to wake Sam somehow anyway, right?

Castiel started by brushing away some strands that had fallen over his friend’s closed eyes, very softly tucking them behind his ear. Sam didn’t move, but at the touch he did exhale in a way that evoked of a deep sigh. Castiel leaned in a little, letting his fingertips run through the tips of Sam’s hair, where he knew he wouldn’t feel it as much. Marveling at the silky sensation and being careful to not tug it in any way, Castiel slowly gained confidence and worked his way up, combing the wavy locks with care and completely away from Sam’s features. Somehow, the man was still completely asleep and Castiel couldn’t help but smile at the sight. A pinch on his low abdomen reminded him he was supposed to be quick. Right, bathroom.

“Sam.”

Sam stirred then, tightening his hold on the pillow and rotating his face so he was completely face down. A silly movement, how was he supposed to breathe like that? Castiel slowed down his ministrations to Sam’s hair, but didn’t stop, it was kind of addicting.

“Sam.” Castiel insisted softly.

He couldn’t help but smile at the way the man half hummed half grunted in reply, he turned his head to Castiel again with his eyes still closed. Castiel could have sworn Sam was leaning into his hand.

“Yeah?” Sam mumbled almost inaudibly, obviously still mostly asleep.

Castiel couldn’t help but find him endearing, he combed his fingers through his lovely hair once more and then patted it straight.

“I have to use the bathroom.”

“Okay…” Sam granted with a little nod, still placid, still adorable… still not moving from Castiel’s lap.

“You have to move for that, Sam.” Castiel smiled.

Sam frowned slightly and very slowly opened his eyes, he blinked a couple of times idly looking around to find out their current position.

“Oh… alright, yeah. Sure.” He mumbled, obviously still far too gone to form a coherent thought, way less a complete sentence.

After a moment Sam pushed himself up with one hand, still holding tight the pillow he had practically been drooling on with the other. Castiel took the chance to slip from under him and run to the bathroom for the very much needed release.

When he came back a few minutes later Sam had managed to sit on the couch, his head being supported by both his hands. He looked up when he heard Castiel’s steps, his expression a mix of embarrassment and disbelief, all wrapped up in the confusion of sleep.

“Cas, did I just… sleep on you?”

Sam made a face at his own words and Castiel couldn’t help but snort.

“Yes, you certainly did.”

“Oh my God.” Sam let his head fall into his hands again.

“No harm done.” Castiel said before Sam could start apologizing. “You were tired after all.”

“Yeah… yeah, seems like I was…” Sam chuckled, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. “You have a very comfortable couch... and legs.”

“Well, thank you.” Castiel said, stepping ahead to stand in front of him. “You can get back to sleep if you want… if you don’t have anything to do right now that is.” He waved at the clock in the wall. “I figured you might have some plans.”

Sam hummed, blinking up at the clock for a moment as if still fighting to shake the sleep off of himself.

“Not today, but tomorrow I have some work to do…” He nodded to himself, looking up at Castiel. “So yeah, I should probably get going.”

Castiel didn’t let himself feel too disappointed, he had spent almost the whole day with him, it should be more than enough. He still didn’t hold himself back from asking. “Can I walk you there?”

“Aren’t you tired of me already?” Said Sam, and somehow it sounded like he was only half joking.

Castiel gave him a pointed look. “Don’t ask stupid questions.”

Sam laughed, raising his hands in surrender. “Alright, alright… Still, it’s a little far.”

“Sam, I’ve spent the last three hours with my ass immobilized on the couch. I could use a walk.”

 

.

 

Sam shared with Castiel on the way what work he had to do tomorrow. Apparently in the weekends he earned some money by tutoring teenagers with their studies. Even when he hadn’t finished college –a detail Sam briefly shared but didn’t dwell on further–the fact that he had studied in Stanford was for a lot of parents more than enough to buy his time.

“Some of them know me so that makes it easier.” Sam said with his hands on his pockets. “My father might not have been the best at, well, parenting, but he did help other people as much as he could. It’s as good as legacy as I can get, I guess.”

“Is that all he left you?” Castiel dared to ask, even when Sam hadn’t specifically said it, it was clear his father had passed away.

“That and the house, though technically it belongs to Dean but he… well, he wasn’t here when our dad died.” Sam gulped, keeping his eyes on the street. “I had to take care of it as best as I could.”

Yet another sore spot, Castiel pressed his lips together pondering what to say next, he was starting to understand why Sam had been so closed up about his personal life.

“It’s a beautiful house.” Castiel said as they were turning a corner, and there it was, a family sized home that looked almost straight out of a magazine.  
Sam looked at it in silence and Castiel looked at him in return, if he had to explain the expression he would say it was one of someone who has lived too many experiences in one place to know how to feel about it anymore. They stopped on the limit between the street walk and the modest-sized lawn as a resigned smile formed on Sam’s lips.

“It is.” He admitted and when he turned to look at Castiel his smile softened. “Thanks for walking with me.”

“It’s my pleasure.” Castiel smiled back briefly and took a step forward before the man could turn around and get into the house. “Sam?” He hoped he wasn’t being nosy, he really hoped so. Sam tilted his head in question, curious, and Castiel licked his lips. “Are you… Are you going to call your brother again?”

The expression that overtook Sam’s face made it clear he hadn’t been expecting that question. After a moment of dumbfounded silence, the man turned and looked at the house again, then to the ground. He seemed to actually be seriously thinking about the question. He finally breathed out, dropping his shoulders.

“I guess I will. Can’t give up now, can I?” Sam said.

There wasn’t an inch of optimism in his voice, as if he already knew what was going to happen if he called. Castiel reached out to touch his friend’s arm.  
“You can call me instead if he doesn’t answer… you know I will.”

That had been, as Charlie used to say, a very cheesy line but Castiel couldn’t mean it any less. Sam sighed in return but his smile came back. Knowing that he was able to bring some joy back to the man made Castiel feel somewhat giddy. Also, Sam hadn’t rejected his proposition this time.

They stayed like that, just looking at each other, and as the seconds passed Sam’s smile started changing, transforming his expression into something rather intense and increasingly puzzling for Castiel. After a moment Sam took a step forward.

“Cas, listen, I--”

Whatever Sam was going to say was interrupted by an ear-piercing sound that made both of them jump in the spot. It was a song, full of drums and electric guitars and Castiel looked around in confusion only to recognize what it was when Sam took his phone out of his pocket, making the music louder.

“Sorry, I guess I have to take t--”

Sam stopped talking abruptly, the lingering smile in his lips dropping and disappearing in an instant as he took the phone in both hands and stared at the screen. Only a second later he snapped his head up to look at Castiel. With his mouth half opened Sam started to look back and forward, gaping as though he couldn’t believe what he was seeing… Castiel frowned in confusion, an idea crossing his mind but… it couldn’t be, could it? But when he got closer to see the name on the screen he saw for himself that, indeed, it could.

Dean.

Finally, after all the time Sam had spent trying to communicate with his brother, he was the one calling. Castiel didn’t know how to feel, he was completely caught off guard. He had known this was a likely scenario in the future… but Castiel had just learned about the situation that same afternoon, he wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon and definitely not when he was present… He could only imagine how Sam was feeling.

Castiel shook his head and was quick to reach out and squeeze Sam’s arm when he saw his friend’s expression start to change from bewilderment to panic. He immediately felt Sam’s body lean in, as if the young man was involuntarily seeking support. When their eyes met Castiel gave him a nod and a little smile he hoped was reassuring. He could do this.

Sam made an aborted movement with his head, as if he was going to deny the silent encouragement, but then he took a deep breath and slowly squared his shoulders, his body was still practically vibrating with anticipation.

Just when Castiel thought the phone would stop ringing Sam took the call. For a moment he only held it near his ear in silence, then he wetted his lips.

“Dean?” The choked out but hopeful question made Castiel’s heart clench.

Castiel suddenly felt uneasy. There was a reason he wasn’t expecting to be present when Sam finally talked to his brother: it seemed like a delicate issue between the two of them, far too private for him to eavesdrop without their mutual consent. But then again, Sam could have just walked away with an apology and get into his house, or just give him a look, a gesture… On the contrary it seemed like he wanted –or needed– a friendly presence right now… the situation reminded Castiel too much of the day they met, both with Sam’s emotional vulnerability and Castiel feeling out of place.

He could also just be misreading the situation entirely, but if there was something he was certain about was that he was not going to interrupt Sam’s conversation to ask.

Castiel finally decided to take some steps back, still facing Sam to let him know he wasn’t leaving but far enough to give the conversation some privacy. That didn’t stop him from looking closely at Sam’s expression.

He spoke softly, too soft for Castiel to hear, holding his phone so tight his knuckles were white and brushing his hair back with his other hand, he was slightly trembling. Castiel noted Sam wasn’t talking that much but mostly listening, that made it even harder for Castiel to know what was going on… and maybe it was a little selfish of him when he didn’t know the whole story, but he hoped Dean was apologizing.

Something equally good must have been said because the line on Sam’s shoulders slowly relaxed and Castiel could have sworn, even when Sam had his head bowed down, that he was smiling too. Castiel sighed and let himself feel happy for him for a moment before his own phone vibrated on his pocket, it was a text, he took it out and was surprised to find it was from Gabriel.

 **Gabriel 9:23 PM**  
       Gotta talk to you

Castiel frowned, now this was odd. Gabriel usually went ahead and called to yell at him whatever he had in mind without caring whether Castiel had time or not. He wasn’t exactly complaining, but even when it was true that said behavior was exasperating at best Castiel had learned over time that he could always hang up if he was busy. Gabriel had been acting a bit off these past days, but inexplicably this insignificant detail was what got Castiel seriously concerned.

He sneaked a look at Sam but his friend was still immersed in the call so Castiel quickly sent Gabriel a reply saying he would call him in a couple of minutes.

“What?” Sam’s baffled question was loud enough for Castiel to hear it clearly and made him snap his attention right back to him.

Sam wasn’t looking at him, instead he looked back at the house. Castiel tried to control himself but couldn’t help but take a step forward, he had to bite his cheek to stop himself from asking what was wrong.

“I- I’m outside.” Sam stuttered and immediately flinched, Castiel presumed his brother had ended the call abruptly if the way Sam blinked at his phone was anything to go by.

Castiel’s body decided for him that he had been waiting enough and in an instant he was at Sam’s side again, concern and anticipation pulsing through him. Sam turned to look at him, shocked eyes barely focusing on Castiel.

“He’s…”

Sam never got to finish as the front door of the house swung open and a man stepped outside.

His clothes where simple and casual, but practical too, especially the old boots that were so worn out they seemed to have more years than the man who wore them. His body was lean and strong with wide shoulders and tanned muscular arms, the kind of tan one doesn’t get by sunbathing but from working hours under the sun.  
All in all, the man would have seemed to have stepped out from the same magazine as the house if it weren’t for the recent looking bruises sprayed out across his face, with his jaw slightly swollen and redness around his nose that suggested he had been bleeding only moments ago. Somehow said bruises weren’t half as intimidating as the way the man stood or just his mere expression which held some kind of deep intensity Castiel couldn’t quite place…  
But then the man caught sight of Sam and a wide bright smile broke it all down, leaving behind only merriment and relief in the form of wrinkles around his eyes and perfect white teeth.

Castiel could only guess this was Dean Winchester.

“Sammy!” He said in a deep cheerful voice, quickly coming down the few steps of the porch, his whole face lighting up and making him look more like an excited kid than the dangerous looking man that had just stepped out of the house.

Like a magnet, Sam passed beside Castiel and almost ran into the man’s out stretched arms, meeting him halfway. It was a quick hug but tight and close, the man patted Sam’s back a few times and stepped back with a delighted chuckle.

“Dude, you look awful!”

Sam snorted, firmly patting the man’s shoulder in return.

Castiel was amazed at how all Sam’s insecurities seemed to have banished, both men falling into a familiar, natural behavior, as if in that moment cherishing the other’s presence was above any problem they had between them.

“Me? Have you seen yourself in a mirror?” A note of concern could be heard in Sam’s voice. “Man, what happened to your face?”

“Ha, nothing new. You know me, I just can’t resist a few quick kicks and blows from time to time.” The man punched Sam lightly in the arm, then his eyes traveled over his shoulder and onto Castiel. “And who’s this?”

Castiel felt himself straighten under Dean's gaze. The man’s voice stayed causal and nonchalant, but his gaze had turned hard. Something in the way those green eyes suddenly scrutinized him made Castiel want to either fight or flee, more so when he had just openly implied he was a rather aggressive individual.

Sam seemed to notice the change too and he turned to one side so Castiel was standing in front of the other man. He was almost as absurdly tall as Sam, Castiel noted.

“Dean, this is Castiel.” Sam said to his brother with an appeasing tone, when Sam’s eyes turned to him Castiel could see a silent apology reflected in them. “Cas, this is my big brother Dean.”

Dean made a little acknowledging sound, taking a step forward and offering his out stretched hand. Castiel took it, not daring to take his eyes away from the man and not letting the far too tight shake of hands affect his expression.

“It is nice to finally meet you, Dean.” Castiel said, nodding politely.

“Can’t say I’ve heard about you.” Dean replied with a tight smile.

Castiel felt that there was a hidden implication in that sentence, though he couldn’t exactly pinpoint what, suddenly a slight distaste for this man settled inside him. He was careful to not let any emotion show in his voice.

“Sam and I met not that long ago.” He said calmly.

“Really?” Dean looked at Sam for a moment and then back at Castiel. “Well, that’s Sammy, always making new friends, fast and easy!”

And that sounded too much like an accusation, Castiel narrowed his eyes not getting why that could be a bad thing and automatically turning to defend his friend. “Yes, your brother is a very charming man.”

“Charming? Now that’s a funny choice of words…”

Dean’s smile turned a little feral then and Castiel couldn’t understand what he was doing wrong. He clenched his jaw to try and keep the frustration at bay, he was mere milliseconds away from replying when a movement by his side caught his eye.

Sam had his stretched hands half risen in the air and was anxiously looking between them, his brows almost together in a tight line of worry. Castiel hadn’t realized how uncomfortable this must be turning for Sam, he straightened himself, this was not the moment to decide whether or not he liked Dean Winchester. He shouldn’t have been here in the first place.

“I should go.” He hurried to say, giving Sam a little nod. “I know you must have quite some things to talk about.”

“Oh, so you know?” Dean retorted, some of the hostility slipping through his voice this time.

“Dean.” Sam interfered with a scolding look, taking a step forward and almost putting himself between both of them. He turned his head towards Cas and mustered a brief smile. “Sorry, Cas. Talk to you later?”

“Of course, Sam.” He smiled a little in return and quickly added. “It was nice meeting you, Dean.”

“The pleasure is all mine…” Dean muttered and Castiel really didn’t want to analyze his tone anymore, he just nodded in acknowledgement and kept his stance neutral as he started to walk away.

He didn’t know what was wrong with Dean or why he seemed so defensive when they hadn’t met before but he clearly didn’t trust Castiel.

If Castiel was honest he didn’t know whether to trust Dean either, if he let himself be guided by what little he knew the balance inclined towards dislike. The way Sam had talked about his brother had been reverent, without any kind of bitterness or blame… but Dean had left Sam by himself for quite a long time, ignoring his calls and his little brother’s emotional state. Whether or not Dean had had a reason to do so it still had made Sam suffer and now he came back and started distrusting him just because he was Sam’s friend?

Castiel gave the two brothers one last look and turned away, shaking his head. Maybe this was just a bad start. He hoped it was just that.

He checked his phone to find a new unread message.

 **Gabriel 9:27 PM**  
       Actually.. can we meet? Better talk in person

 

.

 

“I didn’t like how he looked at me.” Dean said, gaze fixed into the corner Castiel had just turned.

“You should have seen how _you_ were looking at him.” Sam turned to look at his brother, not trying to hide the utter disbelief he felt at what just happened. “Really, Dean? What the hell was that? You were basically throwing daggers at him!”

Dean only blinked for a moment, as if getting out of a trance, only to shrug casually like what he had just done hadn’t been the rudest first meeting Sam had ever witnessed, besides from Ruby meeting Cas… and Jesus fucking Christ why in the world did people jump at Castiel’s throat so often without him doing a single thing?

“Well, excuse me, but I don’t know the dude. Tough luck.” Dean turned around and went into the house with secure steps, as if the conversation was over.

Sam didn’t care if his brother had just come back, he didn’t care if he was opening himself to a new fight, he wasn’t about to let this slide.

“That doesn’t mean you have to be an asshole.” Sam was quick to follow him inside, catching up and stepping in front of him. He stared at him with narrowed eyes. “I’m serious, Dean.”

“It’s whatever, man.” Dean said with an annoyed huff, obviously determined to not talk about what the hell had happened back there. Sam could see him getting increasingly frustrated, and when that happened… “What’s got _you_ so ruffled up all of the sudden?”

Yeah, there it was: he threw the problem back at him.

Sam opened his arms wide. “Well, excuse me if I don’t enjoy that the first thing you do after coming back is throw rocks at anyone you don’t know!”

“Not anyone, just dudes who look at me the same way that demon girlfriend of yours did!”

Sam couldn’t understand what he was hearing. “What? You’ve just met him! And how was Castiel looking at you anything like Ruby? He was fine until you basically started to talk to him as if he were a criminal!”

“Well, how do you know he’s not one, huh?” Dean was raising his voice, getting into Sam’s space and pointing out at him accusingly. “How long has it been since you met him? What have you been telling him?”

“Stop it with the interrogation!” Sam almost screamed, overwhelmed by the pressure and absurdity of the conversation. “I haven’t told him anything, alright? The only thing I brought myself to share with him was how fucked up I was because you left!”

That stunned Dean into silence, making him step back and take a little breath that wasn’t entirely a gasp. Sam rubbed a hand across his face, wondering why had it become so hard to talk with his big brother. What a joke, he knew exactly why, he just wanted to pretend it wasn’t as important as all their years growing up together.

Sam turned around, feeling tired all of a sudden and walked to the couch, letting himself fall onto the edge of it. There was only silence for a moment before Sam found in him the strength to start talking again.

“I met Castiel by chance over a month ago.” He let himself sigh heavily, apologizing internally to his friend for getting him involved in all this mess. “In all this time I haven’t told him much about my life though he’s… aware it’s complicated, mostly because he witnessed my break up with Ruby, and thanks for asking me how I’m dealing with all that shit by the way…”

“Sam…” Dean said lowly, his voice was hoarse, as if he wasn’t used to talking softly. “Listen, man. I’m sorry. It’s just…” He fidgeted for a moment, frowning. “You don’t have a good history with people you dig…”

“I don’t…” Sam grunted, understanding now where part of Dean’s hostility was coming from… and really not wanting to discuss with his brother the likely possibility that he indeed ‘dug’ Cas very much. “He’s just a friend, Dean. A good friend.”

“Maybe for you he’s just that, he on the other hand….”

“Stop… please stop with the paranoia.” Even for Dean, he was jumping to conclusions to fast… suddenly Sam realized what he just said. He looked up at Dean, who had his eyes now fixed on the floor, his expression unreadable. Sam cursed himself. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Dean, I know you can’t.”

Sam swallowed, the realization that he wasn’t being completely fair with Dean either dawning on him. Dammit, he had to make it up to him somehow. Determined to do just that Sam clapped his hands on his thighs lightly, tilting his body towards his brother.

“Come on just… ask away.” After a moment Dean looked up at him quizzically and Sam smiled a little. “Whatever else is eating you inside, spill it out.”

Sam already knew he was probably not going to like the question… but he could suck it up if it gave his brother a little peace of mind.

Dean stared back at him for a while, scanning him as if trying to figure out if he was being serious or not, when Sam didn’t move or say anything else Dean cleared his throat and choose to walk around, rounding and touching the scarce furniture as if they were brand new or needed his attention. He stopped on the back of the lone armchair near the couch, scratching the worn out leather softly.

“Have you…?” Dean didn’t raise his head to look at Sam, he shrugged and made an aborted gesture with one hand, obviously uncomfortable with just trying to imply it. “You know…”

Sam sighed and rubbed his forehead with his fingers.

“No. I haven’t.” He almost groaned, trying to not let his exasperation ruin the recently accomplished calm between them. “Not ever since you left, and I haven’t for a long time before that… even if you won’t believe me.”

“Damn, Sammy…” Dean groaned, he gripped the back of the chair tightly with both hands, a tiny trace of guilt slipping in his words. “It’s not that I don’t want to believe you, it’s just…”

“Hard. I know.” Sam finished almost bitterly, not because of Dean, but because he understood what his brother meant. He breathed in and let out a big sigh. “But look, it’s hard for me too. Every day I have to fight it, you know? And when I’m with Cas… it doesn’t even cross my mind. Cas has been there for me, he hasn’t pushed me or tried to wave my troubles off… And he knows I have troubles, he knew ever since the day I met him and still… he has just been there without asking anything of me. So please… just cut him some slack.”

This time Dean seemed a little hesitant about his disliking of Castiel, but he still frowned and groaned. “I still don’t trust him.”

“And I don’t expect you to just do it out of the blue, you’ll get to know him, but…” Sam stopped and swallowed, closing his eyes as he closed his hands together in his lap almost painfully. “Dean, I’m not okay… and it’s damn hard to forget it or try to fix it when I’m also alone.”

Dean had the decency to look ashamed then, hanging his head a little and closing his eyes briefly. He didn’t say anything. Sam stood up.

“Look, I know you are not in a good place either. God, I’m sure most days you got it worse than me…” Sam’s heart ached painfully at the thought of Dean, alone all those days, probably drinking himself to sleep. He stepped closer and let a hand drop into Dean’s shoulder, softly squeezing it. “But that’s only one more reason why we have to be there for each other, we need to be there for each other, you said so yourself over the phone and I know it’s easier said than done but… can we at least try?”

Dean stared blankly ahead for a moment, seeing him and nothing at the same time, he was shaking his head ever so slightly. For an instant Sam’s heart dropped to his feet, heavy with rejection… but then his brother sighed and mirrored him, letting a hand fall into Sam’s shoulder.

“That’s why I’m here.”

Sam didn’t know he had been holding his breath, he felt lightheaded and suddenly overwhelmed by a strong longing to hug his brother. He couldn’t even think to act on it as he felt himself getting pulled forward by the hand on his shoulder. Sam went down without a fight and buried his face in Dean’s shirt, getting his arms around him in an instant and squeezing the soft fabric between his fingers.

They stood there in silence for a long minute and Sam held on to his big brother like he was a lifeline.

“Welcome home, Dean.” Sam whispered and he felt the hold tighten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean is here now, things are going to ensue.  
> I found out with this chapter that I really enjoy writing Dean! It's hard to do so but he's so... explosive and collected at the same time with his emotions, so much fun~
> 
> Did you like it, did you not, halfway there? Let me know! :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who ordered a specially late deliver of pizza? Yeah, with extra extra late on it.  
> No excuses today just happy new year everybody! 
> 
> On this chapter I want to give a huge special thanks to Threshie, she's guilty of making [this](http://threshasketch.tumblr.com/post/169640613068/a-pic-for-drama-is-the-best-pizza-topping-a) wonderful fanart (go see it!) and, well, basically its beauty made me get my head out of my butt and keep writing. Thank you so much, for real you are one of my favorite readers! <3
> 
> Back with Gabriel, enjoy!

[link](http://threshasketch.tumblr.com/post/169640613068/a-pic-for-drama-is-the-best-pizza-topping-a)

 

“Heya, Cassie.” Gabriel said in a voice that sounded way too casual, he was sitting on top of the counter and surrounded by what looked like the remains of the displayed sweets they kept as desserts. As Castiel approached him Gabriel raised a hand full of brownie and waved it around. “Want some?”

“Gabriel.” Castiel frowned, feeling equal parts concerned and upset at the scene in front of him as he recalled the few times this had happened before. “Are you stress-eating?”

Gabriel groaned and pointed at him with the brownie. “You know, I liked you more when you were clueless.” He then proceeded to roll his eyes and pointedly take a huge bite off the dessert, as if daring Castiel to stop him. “Yes, Sherlock, I am. The thought of throwing away these beauties today is far more depressing than my decaying health.”

Castiel didn’t know how to answer to that. He had come to the restaurant as fast as he could, he still felt the anxious edge of running every time he took a breath, but now standing there as the silence stretched he wondered why Gabriel had called him.  
Going ahead and asking what he wanted seemed far too rude now that he could see his boss wasn’t in his best state of mind, and it would turn out uncaring if Gabriel wanted to talk about precisely that. Although that was highly unlikely on the first place, Gabriel wasn’t one to seek comfort… and Castiel wasn’t precisely skilled into giving it.

Finally, Castiel decided to quietly approach him and take a seat by his side. Most of the lights were already turned off except for the lamp just above them and the ones in the kitchen, leaving most of the shop in the dark. The street was quiet and only the soft muffled sound of lingering traffic disturbed the silence between them. Gabriel was making a point to not look at him as he finished devouring his brownie and the more he stayed silent the more Castiel wanted to jump out of his skin.

The feeling started as a slight burn on the tip of his toes, like tiny bugs tickling his skin. Slowly but surely it built up through his legs, making Castiel want to fidget as he sat there wondering where this sensation was coming from.

Only when it got to his chest Castiel finally thought he understood it. Words bubbled out of his mouth without his consent.

“Please, Gabriel… can you just tell me?”

Gabriel stopped mid bite, his mouth half opened as his eyes turned to look straight at Castiel for the first time since he had taken a seat. Castiel fought the sudden irrational desire to jump off of the counter and slam his face into its surface while apologizing, now not only had he sounded uncaring and rude but also impatient.

“I am sorry, I did not-- I’m just… so lost right now.”

He breathed in and out but his chest constricted even more. The events of the day buzzed through him as his tired brain tried to make sense of all the riddles, all the untold bits and questions wrapped up in sad confessions, soft touches, even softer long hair and angry green eyes.

“I say I am fine with it, and I am, most of the time. But you, Sam or, lord, even Charlie these last three days…”

Three days, God, it felt like a _month_.

“Every time I ask and sit to listen… I just end up with even more questions… And I—I am not trying to disregard your right to keep your privacy, the last thing I want is impose myself but… I just want to help you.”

Castiel knew he was basically pleading, pleading for something he completely ignored. And that was unsettling because he didn’t even know if he had the right to know... Until now he had been able to just listen and take what was given, but the more he did this the more he overthought… was he acting accordingly? Was he going to say something that would make the situation worse? But how was he supposed to know if he basically didn’t know anything? Castiel’s head was going in mad circles without anything certain to hold on to. He looked up at Gabriel earnestly, seeking aid. Was this alright? Was he being self-centered for wanting this?

“I cannot help any of you if I don’t know what is going on. I just want all of you to be alright... Is it selfish of me to want a straight answer for once so I can know why you are not?”

Gabriel’s light brown eyes were completely focused on Castiel’s face even when his own face remained unreadable, the mere sight of his stony expression made Castiel’s anxiety increase by ten.

“ _Selfish?_ ”

Sudden mocking laughter burst slowly out of Gabriel, it echoed and bounced through the walls, the sudden change made Castiel flinch.

“Cas… even if what you just said was remotely selfish, you sabotaged any possible remains of it by tiptoeing around the issue so damn carefully, all good and proper and… nice.” Gabriel mustered a grin, and it was almost scary in its wideness. “You want to know what selfish looks like, Cassie?”

Gabriel pulled his legs up onto the counter, crossing them and turning his whole body towards him, setting aside the desserts with a curt shove that made Castiel momentarily worried about the plate sliding all the way to the ground. Luckily it didn’t, and his eyes turned back to Gabriel who was leaning in, almost as if he was going to share a secret. But the way he whispered was loud and mocking and it resonated through the room just like his laughter had.

“You see, today I met an old friend. An old friend who I thought I would never see again.”

Gabriel curtly drummed his fingers on his leg and Castiel realized his knuckles were bleeding.

“Sometimes I even wondered if he was dead, what about that?”

Castiel willed himself to tear his attention away from the blood and focus on Gabriel’s words, as he hesitated for a moment.

“After all these years I figured… I figured that if he was okay and hadn’t contacted me it was either lack of interest or time. Not often, but the thought bothered me now and again, not doing much but make me look like a melancholic old man. Oh, but then!” Gabriel stopped to laugh, and this time it wasn’t only twisted but full of disbelief. “My best employee goes and befriends _his little brother_!”

Castiel flinched hard, his brain scratching down the compliment to backpedal on what he had just heard, he stared for a few moments of silent dumbfoundness.

Castiel didn’t know if it was seconds or minutes before he managed to muster out. “Are you talking about Sam’s brother?”

He wondered why hadn’t he known this earlier, why Sam didn’t tell him… but then again for all Castiel knew Sam and Gabriel hadn’t actually been face to face, so probably Sam didn’t know the Gabriel he knew and Castiel’s boss were the same person. The closest thing had been last night, but it had been in the dark of the street... He shook his head and railed himself back into the matter at hand.

“You were friends with Dean Winchester?” Gabriel’s gaze darkened and Castiel remembered he just told him he had entertained the idea of Dean being dead. He raised his hands in an appeasing gesture. “I just learned about him this afternoon.”

Gabriel blinked, as if he hadn’t realized he had been throwing daggers at Castiel with his eyes for a moment there, he shook his head as if to recompose himself.

“You and me, pal.” Gabriel snorted. “Anyways! I figured I could ask Sam about him eventually, subtly, when we actually got to meet but… just out of the blue, there he is! Right _there!_ ”

Gabriel gestured wildly at the window on the furthest side of the shop, as if everything he was going to say were its immediate fault.

“Out of nowhere, I swear…” His voice was starting to get back to a normal level, as if he were slowly deflating. “I went to him, you know, it’s normal he was… I needed to know what happened…” Gabriel averted his gaze to the window and his eyes wandered through it, lost in the memory. “But that’s the cherry of the pie, that’s when he took a step back and said…” Slowly, with a precision that almost seemed unnatural, all emotion was discarded from Gabriel’s features, there was no feeling left in his voice as he said. “…‘ _And you are?_ ’”

Gabriel stopped talking then and Castiel was glad because anything he might have said would have been lost in the noise his brain was doing at the moment. It may had been because Dean was Sam’s brother and Castiel held Sam in high regard, but his brain immediately started to search for reasons to justify Dean’s words… none were good. And he couldn’t imagine the shock, he couldn’t phantom the sadness, anger or disbelief that Gabriel must have felt at those words.

The slowly dawning of this made Castiel’s shock be replaced by anger, a possessive boiling feeling that made him want to go seek out that stupid man and…

“I punched him. Square in the face.” Gabriel suddenly interrupted Castiel’s thoughts, his voice as nonchalant as if he were talking about the weather, he turned to look at Castiel and shrugged. “See, Cas? Selfish.”

Castiel frowned, how was that selfish? Gabriel’s lips twitched, eyeing Castiel almost fondly.

“People have the right to forget, angel. And people have the choice to decide who and what are important for them.”

Castiel blinked at Gabriel, confused about why he was being so forgiving, wasn’t he angry? He had, only mere seconds ago… Then it dawned on Castiel: Gabriel wasn’t mad at Dean, he was mad at himself.

“He didn’t own me a thing, I never did anything remarkable for him or shared what you could call ‘meaningful’ experiences… If he doesn’t remember me… it makes sense that the contact was lost so quickly. Still, I decided to be selfish about it. It is selfish of me to think I had the right to punch him or to not feel any kind of remorse after doing it, even now...” The sigh that left Gabriel was so subtle it could have been confused by a regular breath. “Even now, I only regret turning around without another punch.”

Gabriel reached out his right hand with the other and squeezed, his jaw tightening as he clenched his teeth in pain.

“I would have most likely broken my hand so it’s probably for the best…” A pained smirk appeared on Gabriel’s lips as he looked up and Castiel could have sworn his eyes were kind of shiny. “Always look at the bright side of life…” He intoned and Castiel felt as if he was missing out on a reference… but if it was supposed to be a cheerful song Castiel could only find it cruel.

“Gabriel… I’m sorry. I didn’t want to force you to talk--”

“No, Cas, don’t you-- why the fuck are you apologizing?”

The exasperation in Gabriel’s voice made Castiel shut his mouth and want to duck his head, Gabriel clicked his tongue and place a finger below his chin to keep it high.

“Stop it right there. You were right, Cas.” Gabriel shook his head, sighing as he retreated, his voice was much softer now. “Even if I didn’t call you to tell you this… I, more than anyone, should know that leaving things uncertain can drive you nuts.” He swatted a hand. “You can see what I mean.”

Gabriel took a deep breath in, he somehow looked more relaxed now, but Castiel couldn’t find it in himself to feel glad when he also looked at the verge of collapsing.

Castiel just wanted to reach out and hug Gabriel. Somehow, he knew the man wouldn’t allow it.

Gabriel breathed out. “Yeah… yeah, you were right. You were always smart, Cas. Ha, but the second I turn around you go and also got stupidly wise! With _emotions_ , no less!”

The smile on Gabriel’s face was mocking, but there was also a kind of fondness and something bordering pride there. It made Cas almost blush, but Gabriel had still more left to say and the thought kept him tense. Gabriel breathed in.

“Anyways, besides from this marvelous moment of self-pity you’ve just witnessed… I have to tell you what’s going on here.” He gestured all around them with a flick of his wrist and Castiel felt his heart shrink, dark thoughts about the stability of the restaurant flooding back like a tidal wave. Gabriel sighed, his shoulders sagging. “I’m sorry I kept you out of it, I wanted to spare you as much as I could… ignorance is bliss, right? But I guess I only managed to be even more of an ass.” Gabriel brought a hand to his face and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. “I can’t keep you out of it any longer, and I’m trying to figure out how the fuck should I start."

“Are you talking about… this place?”

The few moments Gabriel stayed silent was enough of an answer for Castiel, he pressed his hands together, bracing himself for whatever was going to be said as Gabriel fidgeted where he was sitting. He eyed the abandoned desserts for a moment, but he quickly shook his head and straightened himself.

“Alright, I guess, as they say, I should start from the beginning.” Gabriel cleared his throat curtly. “A few weeks ago, while enjoying my well-deserved vacation of the year... I came across certain individual.”

Gabriel said the word almost with disgust, as if he couldn’t find a politer term to describe this person.

“Someone I considered a friend when I met him in college but oh well, yadi-yada life never works out as expected and the guy turned out to be the biggest sadistic son of a bitch I’ve ever had the displeasure of stumbling upon.” A sour smile pressed the corners of his lips upwards. “He was a perfect business man, clever, charming and ruthless. He was also one of the reasons I decided that economics wasn’t for me, he brought all the bad out of it and twisted it around so it was also the only way to succeed.”

Castiel didn’t stop him to mention that Gabriel was kind of following his career by running this place, but he had a feeling he wasn’t talking about managing small unimportant businesses.

“He felt betrayed when I dropped out. Maybe he thought I was going to be a good pawn for his plans to conquer the world, who the fuck knows… You can imagine how _lovely_ our reencounter was.”

Castiel thought he saw a glint of mischief shine in Gabriel’s eyes, he figured Gabriel had done everything in his power to make it either completely awkward or a living hell. Castiel immediately missed said mischief when in a beat it was replaced with repressed anger.

“Anyways, guess what? He is doing it, a perfect sadistic businessman, destroying and rebuilding everything he lays his hands on as he pleases.” Gabriel gritted his teeth together. “He always liked to unsettle people with indirect threats and, I guess after seeing me he found out about this place and he called me doing just that.”

He stopped talking for a moment to rub his face with his hands.

“I thought he was just fucking around with me, and maybe he was at first… but it’s gotten increasingly worse. Today he even said he was going to come and see the place for himself and… I’m scared that if he does he will seriously consider bringing the business down.”

Castiel shook his head. “I--... I don’t understand… Why? What does this man have against you?”

“It’s not just because of me, Cas, he… He would do it for the sick fun of it! To prove that he can vanish whatever he pleases with a snap of his fingers whenever he wants, he’ll just do it to prove his power, over me… and over you.” Gabriel breathed deeply. “This man… you know him, Cas… And he has given you enough troubles for a lifetime.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m guessing he would try again given the opportunity…”

“ _Wait_ …” Castiel’s brain finally connected the dots, the already too familiar description of this person fitting like a glove. A cold feeling installed in the pit of his stomach and he had to grab the edge of the counter for balance. “You mean…?”

Gabriel nodded slowly, his lips tight and brows together in an almost pained expression. He didn’t say anything for a beat, as if he could avoid making Castiel go through this if he didn’t confirm what both already knew.

“Lucifer, your brother.”

 

.

 

Castiel called Charlie almost at midnight, curled back into the floor, where he had been ever since he entered his flat. He hadn’t found the strength to text. He told her in whispers he already knew everything and Charlie wasted no time to appear at his front door. Castiel felt stiff and awkward as he opened it, but Charlie didn’t seemed to mind one bit as she just put her arms through his shoulders and got him to the couch. Eventually, she managed to soften him out with blankets and songs on her phone.

She sat close to him and after a while she explained why she had become involved with this mess, how Gabriel had asked for her help to gather information about Lucifer, how he told her to not get Castiel involved when they had confirmed Lucifer was the brother Castiel avoided to talk about like the plague.

He knew he should ask what she had found out, but in that moment he only wanted it all to be a dream, he wanted to deny it, he wanted to curl into himself and sleep for a year. He couldn't go through this again.

Charlie must have seen he was almost out of it because she didn’t elaborate. Instead she curled at his side and started telling him about how she had spent all that afternoon trying to convince his computer that it still got a few years more before starting to break down.

Why did Charlie call him an angel if she was more one herself?

Her soft tone, causally explaining software and hardware, wrapped around Castiel like the blanket he was clutching tight and before he knew it he had closed his eyes and was giving himself up to his exhaustion.

Cold eyes and cruel laughter followed him in his dreams.

 

.

 

Castiel woke up the next day with neck pain. He shifted and stretched without getting off of the coach, he was way too warm and had literally nothing to do today so he stayed there, just watching the morning light coming through the window.

He must have spent at least the next hour like that before he finally swung his feet onto the ground. There was a message from Charlie when he opened his phone, it said she had had to leave early to visit her mom.

Castiel was in no form going to shame her for that but still there was a follow up message a half hour later with an apology.

      **Charlie 7:13 AM**  
      Sorry for not being there… maybe u can call Sam? Im sure he at least can make u smile!

      **Charlie 7:15 AM**  
      ps: your bed is very comfortable

Castiel smiled briefly at his phone, and then dropped back against the back of the couch. He appreciated Charlie's suggestion but he was unsure about calling Sam at the moment. Not because he didn’t want to talk to him, as Charlie had pointed out, that would at least lift his spirits… but Sam was most probably still settling in with the idea of his brother being back. Right now he didn’t need Castiel calling to lay down his problems, not when they included Castiel’s own big brother and Dean being a douche to Gabriel.

More importantly, he still didn’t have Sam’s number.

Castiel rubbed his face with his hands and sunk a little bit deeper back into the cushions. Despite every point he just listed he really wanted to see Sam. Or hear him, he wasn’t picky.

Castiel decided to spend the next hour halfheartedly analyzing and wondering why he yearned for this so much if he had spent most of yesterday with him. It was definitely a better way to use his time than actually getting up or letting his thoughts drift back to Lucifer.

In time Castiel managed to get a hold of himself and start moving. He did it slowly, without too much energy, but deep inside he knew he’d be thankful to himself for not throwing away an entire day by being miserable curled up on the couch. He went out to buy groceries and the chilly air in the street cleared his brain a little. He kept it simple, buying the essentials he was lacking while he let his mind wander once again. This time though he was determined to try and at least form a plan.

If there was something he could be sure of was that he couldn’t face Lucifer again without at least being mentally prepared. After all his brother was a sadist, Castiel wouldn’t stand a chance if he didn’t gather up his wits.

He held no good memories of his big brother, not even from when he was a kid and Lucifer was in his teenage years. It wasn’t really surprising as Lucifer’s main distraction had been to fool him into doing things that Castiel -at his tender age- couldn’t understand were wrong. Then when all was said and done Lucifer stepped back, taking the prize for himself and enjoying from afar how his little brother faced the consequences. But the worst thing was how Lucifer managed to twist things in such way Castiel thought it was his own fault to fall for his traps.

And that hadn’t only been effective when he was a kid.  
Lucifer’s words bounced in Castiel’s head like a distorted hiss, an echo from only a few months ago.

_Come on, little brother, I don’t even need to know what you’ve been up to, you’ve probably been starving to death since you turned away from our family._

Castiel closed his eyes for a moment, clutching the cart so tightly in his hand the metal sunk painfully in his palm.

_So let’s make a deal, you’ll only have to sign a couple things, and you’ll get a lot of money. You will even cut more bonds with the family! Isn’t that great?_

He had been naïve. He had been stupid.

_You’ll help me and I’ll help you. Like brothers do._

Castiel shook his head and resumed his shopping quickly, shame and regret burning inside of him as he tried to think how in the world he pretended he could outsmart and stop Lucifer from doing anything he wanted to.

Castiel hadn’t been able to do so his whole life, how could it be different now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor Cas, my poor Gabe. I'm so sorry, it had to be done. Maybe my editor will kill me before I got to the explaining part though, but there's so much left to say and I am having serious trouble getting everything in place! 
> 
> Stayed tuned for more and please let me know what are you thinking about this story so far! Kudos are of course lovely.  
> Peace!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, you lovely people!
> 
> This time it didn't take me a ridiculous amount of time to finish a chapter and I'm feeling stupidly proud of it, I hope I can keep it up!  
> There's also been a few more of you lately and wow I seriously cannot be happier about it! Welcome, welcome, have a seat and a slice of pizza! I hope you stick around for a lot more chapters!
> 
> Back with Sam, enjoy!

There were things about Dean, little things mostly, that had always made Sam frown and protest on a daily basis.

A thing that –if someone asked him– was perfectly natural when coexisting in the same space for too long. All those little things were still there, as irritating as he remembered… but today Sam was doing his very best to overlook absolutely all of them. After all, he was not a kid anymore. Sam could suck it up if Dean talked with his mouth full, filled the fridge with all kinds of leftovers because ‘ _throwing away food is a crime, Sam_ ’ or asked him way too often what he was doing. Sam could suck it all up because he couldn’t exactly know how delicate this new peaceful truce between them was.

Sam didn’t want to fuck it up again. He couldn’t.

And so, Sam had been tiptoeing around Dean all day long, being overly careful to not reply with a snappy comeback or make a bad face and quickly giving in every time they had something near a domestic argument.

Apparently, though, Dean knew exactly what he was doing… and he seemed to be in no way on board with it.

As the hours passed Sam tried to stay as indulgent as possible… while Dean grew increasingly louder, bothersome and nosier. It was only when his big brother started to steal Sam’s stuff that his resolve started to crack and he finally snapped back at him.

Sam wanted to tell him to stop, to help him a little, he was trying to do things right… couldn’t Dean see that?

Sam wished he had been able to voice this, but in reality he only managed to gap and grunt in frustration at his brother who just watched him for a moment before giving him the biggest eye roll in history and proceeded to tell him to go out to get his shit together. The harshness that could have been read in those words was successfully dulled by how much of a distraught momma hen Dean looked with his hands on his hips, wearing Sam’s too big bath robe and a pair of fluffy slippers.

And well, Sam had to work either way. So, even as he felt like a scolded child at first he quickly felt much better after going out and having to deal with actual kids and their troubles with an academic system that didn’t gave them time to breath.

 

The way his temporary students struggled with all kinds subjects and how they were paradoxically both lazy and willing to learn strangely lifted up Sam’s spirits as the evening went by. When he finally said his goodbyes and stepped out of the last house Sam felt much lighter, with a little more money in his pocket and a smile on his face.

Soon enough, his mind drifted back to his brother and Sam felt almost ridiculous looking back to his behavior.

Dean was right, they had never acted like that around each other. Not that they hadn't used to do small things for each other but openly complaining about their respective quirks had always been part of their dynamic too, they had been living together for more than half their lives for god’s sake, Sam being too nice to him was only going to weird Dean out or make him irritable... Sam too, eventually.

In any case, there was no way Sam was going to be able to charm his way into Dean’s forgiveness. For Dean, that would just be cheap, and Sam felt a little like an asshole for even trying.

He had to somehow fix things another way… by being there and not lying or hiding things from Dean, he guessed. But how could Sam demonstrate that he was doing so? With Dean’s trust issues? Ruby not being around anymore had to at least count for something…

He sighed and carded his fingers through his hair. Little by little Sam, little by little…

Suddenly he felt like calling Cas. Not to talk about this or as a way to distract himself, he just… wanted to.

Well, he actually could, couldn’t he?

“Stop being a girl.” Sam murmured under his breath and almost laughed because he felt as if that’s what Dean would tell him too if he were there.

Well… if his big brother actually liked Cas that is. That was definitely something to work on too. And he had to apologize about it to Cas, he realized.

Sam cursed himself, he had been so caught up on the fact of Dean being back that he had completely forgotten about it. What a friend you are, Sam.

He took out his phone, disengaging its case so he could pull out the folded paper behind it. It was odd how he had saved the paper with Cas’ number so carefully but avoided adding it to his contacts. Sam couldn’t exactly pinpoint the reason why he had done this… a mix of fear and shyness most likely. But also the little note felt… solid, real.

He unfolded it and stared at the numbers for a moment, wondering where this cheesiness was coming from. He wasn’t one to preserve and romanticize objects, much less common and unimportant pieces of paper with a scribbles on them. It wasn’t like he couldn’t get Cas’ number again if he lost it, he knew where the man worked and –as creepy as it sounded- where he lived now too. So it wasn’t as if it held any practical importance.

Still…

Sam smoothened out the surface with his fingers, it was completely roughened and crumpled from the time he had carelessly fisted it and shoved it into his pocket. With his fingertips he followed the straight lines from when he had folded it so carefully after all the rage was gone and then traced the blue ink forming the numbers.

Yeah… it wasn’t that the paper was important, Sam was holding onto what it represented.

He sighed. Jeez, how poetic. Dean would splutter and laugh if he could see him right now, getting all worked up by a crumpled note. Sam smiled to himself, well, he didn’t really care and Dean couldn’t read minds as far as he knew, so.

Sam tried to tamper down the little jolt of excitement as he dialed and waited for Cas to pick up the phone, he was calling to apologize first after all.

“Who is this?”

There was something guarded and almost aggressive in the tone that came out of the speaker, it made Sam feel a little taken back. If it weren’t for how unmistakable Castiel’s voice was Sam would have thought he had the wrong number.

“Um, Cas?” He still felt hesitant as he continued. “It's Sam.”

“Oh, Sam.” There was a long exhale, after, the next words were much softer. “Hello, Sam.”

Sam frowned in worry, maybe he had chosen a bad time to call.

“Is everything alright?” He hurried to say. “I can call back later if--”

“No, no, it’s alright… I--” Cas let out a sigh and as he kept talking, Sam thought he sounded… on edge. “I was just caught off guard, I thought…” He cleared his throat shortly. “It is not important. How are you, Sam? Is everything going alright with your brother?”

Sam was not really convinced about Cas brushing off whatever was happening with him but he decided to let it go for now.

“Yeah, well. As good as it can be.” And it wasn’t a lie, setting aside his awkward behavior everything had been surprisingly smooth with Dean. He wasn’t about to celebrate yet though, they still had to keep it this way for more than a day, maybe even address their problems with words for once. Ha, right. Sam scratched the back of his neck. “Actually… Dean is one of the reasons I wanted to call you. I’m sorry about how he treated you yesterday… it was not nice at all.”

“Indeed.” Cas agreed, but if he felt any anger or spite about Dean’s behavior it couldn’t be found in his tone. “It was a very tense first meeting.”

“That’s an understatement.” Sam chuckled, almost embarrassed on Dean’s behalf. “He has… trust issues, sorry.”

“You have no reason to apologize, Sam. Your bother is a separate entity of your own, you don’t exactly hold responsibility over his actions... as far as I’m concerned.” He didn’t know how but Sam could feel Cas was smiling.

“I guess you’re right.” Sam couldn’t help but smile too. “Still, someone had to say it.”

“Isn’t it supposed to be the guilty person who should express regret?”

Again, there was no malice in Castiel’s words, and half of Sam wanted his friend to get a little mad. Cas didn’t deserve people arbitrarily throwing shit at him, he shouldn’t have to just accept it. The other half of Sam simply admired his serenity.

“I guess so, Cas. But… if there’s no apology at all then there wouldn’t be any acknowledgment that what Dean did was wrong, right?”

Castiel stayed silent for a bit, as if he were contemplating this, then he hummed thoughtfully.

“That is a good way to see it. I guess then I should just accept your apology.”

“I appreciate that.” Sam smiled briefly. “Are you okay, Cas? You sounded… very tense just a moment ago.”

The silence that come over the other side of the line was longer and –even when Sam actually didn’t have anything to go by but the slight static of the line– heavier than before. He slowed down his pace almost unconsciously, suddenly tense and completely focused on what his friend could be about to say.

His concern only increased as the seconds went by and Castiel didn’t answer. Just when Sam was about to ask if he was still there Cas cleared his throat.

“I’m, uh… As good as I can be.”

His voice was low and thick. It made Sam completely stop in his tracks.

“What happened, Cas?” He tried to keep the urgency out of his tone but some slipped in, he couldn’t help it, he had never heard Cas sound like this before. Was something wrong with him? His mind immediately started to calculate how long it would take for him to get to Castiel’s apartment if needed. “Do you… do you want to talk about it?”

There was a broken laugh on the other end of the line and Sam’s heart clenched. “If you leave the choice to me then… not really.”

Sam gulped, clutching his phone hard. “And if I don’t?”

Sam feared this new silence would end up with Cas just hanging up. It didn’t.

“Then… I guess I’ll just tell you.”

 

.

 

“I want you to keep track of Lucifer if you can, don’t overdo it, I don’t think he takes people sneaking up on him lightly.”

“Aw, thanks, Gabriel. You sure know how to make a girl feel safe!”

Gabriel smirked into the phone. “Do ya want to bolt?”

“Hell, no.” She was already working on something, Gabriel could hear the aggressive typing over the line. “This Lucifer guy is now my self-declared arch nemesis.”

“Would that make Cassie the princess?”

“He does check out the baby blue eyes, but he lacks boobs.”

Gabriel snorted, he appreciated people who could joke while still discussing something deadly serious, Charlie was a master in doing so. “Cassie needed a friend yesterday, I’m glad you checked out that box, Charlie.”

Charlie laughed nervously. “I do what I can!” She sounded insecure, worried, Gabriel couldn’t blame her.

“You do that, and believe me: Castiel is tougher than he thinks.” He reassured her. “Alright, kiddo, thanks for letting me know, and keep both eyes open.” Gabriel tapped his pencil against the table, watching the numbers on the sheets of paper before him. “I’m afraid I gotta let you go for way more boring things.”

Charlie clicked her tongue. “I know it’s Anna’s work to be disapproving of you but you really should hire someone else. Too many hours working won’t make you any younger!”

“Oh, come on, and miss all this fun?” He snorted. “And I don’t need youth when born this handsome.”

“Yeah you’re right.” She conceded but there was a sigh there, still she was smart enough to let the matter slide. “See ya on Monday, Gabe.”

Gabriel put the phone away and immersed himself into the screen before him, scribbling in the papers and counting in his head. It didn't matter what Anna said, he wasn’t working too much, just enough… and yes, his mind sometimes did drift back to the vacation he had just returned from, but any melancholy was promptly killed by the memory of Lucifer’s stupid face. He had to ruin even his vacation didn’t he? Always the attention whore.

Still, Gabriel couldn't deny he felt edgy, and his brain didn't help when it kept reminding him there where all sort of delicious things in the fridge he could eat. He groaned, no, not today.

After only an hour Gabriel decided he had had enough and loudly announced to his empty living room he was going to hit the bar. He did this from time to time on weekends, unlike a lot of people he knew, having worked at a bar in the past hadn’t dimmed Gabriel’s enthusiasm for them.  
Actually before working on one, in his youth, he had preferred flashy and extravagant establishments. Strip clubs used to be his favorite kind of spectacle... not that he wouldn’t enjoy one now, but he did work his heart out on the restaurant and the familiar setting of a bar somehow did a better job on calming him down after a long week of work.  
And sweet Lord on a tortilla, hadn’t it been a long week.

Today though... today the universe seemed to have decided there wasn't going to be any rest for Gabriel.

As he was finishing his third drink, peacefully drowning himself in its taste and the chatter around him, Gabriel noticed a figure sitting in the back, almost hooded completely by the dim lighting there. 

And like in a cheap teenage book, his night seemed forever doomed when Gabriel recognized him.

“Of all the gin joints in all the towns, in all the world...” Gabriel cursed.

The bartender -a young but clever blond girl who he had been talking to- followed his eyes. Gabriel's expression must have been shrinking into something outright miserable because when she turned back to him she raised an eyebrow and without a word refilled his glass. Gabriel didn’t know whether to laugh or groan, now this was flat out absurd.

Alright, Gabriel, stop: no pouting. He had grown to learn it was better not to flee from a unexpected turn of events, as much as he liked to do just that... suck it up, just face it and adapt, especially when you can gain something from it all... That didn't change the fact that this was going to hurt him like a bitch, though.

“Fuck me.”

He downed his drink in two long swallows and gestured for another one, the girl refilled it efficiently and even patted him on the shoulder before turning to attend to other matters. One deep breath and Gabriel was up on his feet with his full glass in hand walking straight to one Dean Winchester.

It was a fact: heaven and earth had teamed up against him today. It wasn't like this wasn't hard enough to do on its own, no, on top of that -even after five years- Dean had to still be drop dead gorgeous. Only his face had changed slightly. His features were now sharp, any roundness that had been present in his early twenties almost completely gone, leaving behind perfect chiseled angles only darkened by the bruise Gabriel himself had caused.

Said perfect angles seemed to tense when he noticed him. No wonder.

“Well, well, well… hello there. Isn’t this a small world?”

Dean eyed him warily, slightly straitening up. “You…”

“Gabriel, the guy who scarred your handsome face, ’sup?” Gabriel was quick to say because making the situation light was his favorite way to cope with imminent awkwardness.

He didn’t wait for an invitation, he just slid onto the stool next to Dean and settled as if Dean had been expecting him. The man seemed to be doing his best to keep his posture casual, but the way he was clutching his beer made Gabriel guess he was tenser than a broomstick, ready to fight or flee. After a moment he spoke slowly, his voice was another thing that had changed with the years.

“Are you here to punch me again… Gabriel?”

Even on first meetings, Dean had always had the horrid habit to instantly shorten people’s names or come up with all kinds of nicknames. He had never called Gabriel by his full name before… and that shouldn’t sting as much as it actually did. It was like an aggressive reminder that with whatever was happening in this man’s head he didn’t see Gabriel as a friend anymore.

“That would probably make me feel better.” Gabriel laughed and he was only half joking, but he shook his head. “But, nah, I’m no real fan of physical fights.”

“Would have fooled me…” Dean muttered under his breath, then he started to get up. “Well… it was _great_ seeing you again but…”

“Hey, woah! Hold down your horses, cowboy.” Gabriel stayed lively, tone as light as he managed. “As much as I appreciate how quickly you want to run away, I’m not done talking to you.” Alright, he had to tone down the hostility too. Gabriel raised his hands. “No punches. I swear. There shouldn’t have been any in the first place.”

Dean looked straight at him for a couple of seconds, almost analyzing, then very slowly and without breaking eye contact he sat again. Gabriel choose to count that as a small win.

“Don’t worry, I’m not trying to befriend you or attack you again. I’ll make this as quick as possible so we can run in opposite directions.” Gabriel raised his glass. “Though if we are going to avoid each other like territorial cats I must get ahead of myself and call dibs on this bar, I like it.”

“Charming.” Dean said, with a grim smirk. “And why exactly would you want to talk with me? Why shouldn’t I just hit the door right now?”

“Nothing stops you from doing so but…” Gabriel took a swig before continuing. “Maybe it isn’t of your best interest when what I want to say involves Sam.”

Right away, Dean’s expression changed into something fierce, possessive... and Gabriel got the feeling that if he didn’t explain himself quickly it would be him getting punched.

“Well, at least after all these years your love for your brother is still intact. Now, now, calm down, I have nothing to do with him.” He had barely talked to the kid in the past, in Sam’s case he wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t remember him at all. “But Castiel does.”

Slowly, the hostility toned down in Dean’s stance but it was still there... even so, Gabriel did seem to have Dean’s full attention now. There was also recognition in his green eyes, Dean didn’t go ahead and ask Gabriel who was he talking about. Huh, so he did know Castiel’s name already… noted.

Gabriel gestured between them with one hand. “So, as we both have two people we care for involved with the other… this conversation was eventually due to happen. Better get over with it as soon as possible, right?”

This is why he had approached him, Gabriel didn’t know how much Dean had changed, but from what he had been deducing… it wasn’t looking too good for the lovely pair.

“Let me get this clear, Dean: Cas is a good man. He has been nonstop worrying for your brother, I swear I've never seen the kid give someone that much thought before, and I honestly don’t think they are anything less than stupidly good for each other.”

Gabriel had been prepared to fight to get his point through, he was surprised when instead Dean let him talk without cutting him off or doubting every word he said… but then again, maybe the Dean that always had something to say wasn’t there anymore and had been replaced by this stoic statue years ago. It was at the same time a relief and a fucking shame.

“So…” Gabriel said, smiling knowingly. “You can stop stalking them.”

“What?” Dean’s taken aback expression was a work of art, Gabriel let himself enjoy it for a second.

“Oh come on, you’ve been circling Shurley’s for days now. Don’t try deny it, my staff saw you. Either they have striking observational skills or you are not doing a good job at hiding it." The confused -almost offended- look Dean was giving him made Gabriel suspect it was the former, another plus for the already lovely Anna then. "And why would you do this? Well, obviously…” He closed his eyes for a moment and forced a smirk on his face. “…it wasn’t because of lil ol’ me. So, for whatever reason, you have been following your brother around.”

“That’s not…” Dean seemed to be about to deny it, but he jerked his head at the last moment and clenched his jaw in repressed annoyance “That’s not any of your business.”

Gabriel had to turn his gaze anywhere else. “What? You? Apparently not anymore.” Huh, so he was being passive aggressive now. Thank you, whiskey. He could feel Dean staring at him. Gabriel just took the glass again and tipped it in Dean’s direction. “But your actions also involve my restaurant sooo we are kind of in a gray area here.”

The drinks were starting to kick in good… Oh well, at least he felt a bit number now.

“Look, just keep yourself from creeping out my staff, or scaring Cas away from Sam. I’ll let it slide this time, as compensation for the… bruise.” He let all lightness fall from his tone. “But I do mean it. Don’t make it _my_ business.”

For a moment Gabriel just drank, the silence making it easier for him to ignore all the knots in his stomach and instead just enjoy the burn in his throat, thinking he would gladly go back in time whatever hundred years necessary to kiss the monkey who discovered alcohol.

“So… first you punch me.” There was something different in Dean’s voice now, and though it couldn’t be because the context didn’t fit by a thousand miles… Gabriel could have sworn it was fondness. “And now you… threaten me?”

Gabriel shrugged. “I shall protect my staff like the knight in shining armor I am, who would put up with me if I didn’t?” He groaned and dropped his head, he didn’t remember being such a light-weight. “Alright! Chat is over.” Only feeling a little wobbly he got up from the stool. “It was a delight. Hope I won’t see ya around, Winchester!”

He rotated on his feet as gracefully as his drunken ass would allow him, but a deep gravelly voice stopped him.

“Gabriel.”

Damn, it still hurt.

“Yes, darling?” He turned halfway through, only supporting himself slightly on a nearby table. “Want to see my pretty face one last time? Sure I wanted to see yours… Oh, wait, it’s still half blue, never mind.”

Dean’s lips curled up in an amused smirk… Wait, no, that must have been some kind light trick because when Gabriel blinked again there was only a strained intense look on the man’s face.

Whatever he was going to say Gabriel definitely wasn’t expecting, “I’m sorry if what I said the other day hurt you.”

Gabriel just blinked, pinched himself on the arm and laughed. “I must be closer to intoxication that I anticipated, I just thought I heard Dean Winchester apologizing to me.”

Dean dropped his eyes only for a moment, but then he nodded. “I did.”

Gabriel _had_ to be hallucinating.

It had to be the alcohol in his system… But then Gabriel remembered than -unlike popular belief- alcohol’s many secondary effects didn’t include visions. He wasn’t psychotic wasn’t he? Had he hit his head and was unknowingly sporting a brain injury?

_I’m sorry if what I said the other day hurt you._

What Dean said… Well, how to forget that.

_And you are?_

Okay, no… what the flying fuck was happening here? His drunken mind tried its best to come up with an answer.

Dean had implied very clearly that he didn’t know Gabriel, whether he might have been lying or not one thing was clear: Gabriel shouldn’t mean anything to him.

Didn’t Dean remember him? Then Gabriel’s punch the other day would have been the most disconcerting thing in his life, maybe, and only _maybe_ , he would feel some kind of regret for not remembering but really that’s not the first reaction you get when a random guy attacks your face out of the blue.

Did Dean remember him? Then what he said that day had been a way to get rid of Gabriel, which was the most likely choice... except that it didn’t fit in any way with how after Gabriel had just approached him to basically give him the "if you hurt my daughter I'll kill you" speech Dean was still there, apologizing, as if Gabriel mattered something to him.

So Gabriel just stared. He stared even though he knew his brain was in no condition to do any more reasoning. He stared into dead serious green eyes, clenched his fists and reminded himself not to be selfish about this.

He failed.

“Well, it did. And check your syntax because that’s not a real apology.” He rummaged through his pocket and shoved some bills on the bar's surface, he didn’t want to turn and see that stupid face anymore. “You, Dean Winchester, are one hell of a confusing motherfucker.”

Gabriel didn’t wait for an answer... he didn't wait for Dean to notice that his expression and the blatant anger in his answer didn't match up... Gabriel just ignored the urge to scream, claw into his chest with his bare hands and rip out all traces of the hope lighting up there like a disease... and walked away. 

 

.

 

Castiel closed his front door with his foot, throwing his coat without care on the first horizontal surface he found. Curiously his apartment felt a little less empty now that he could hear Sam through the phone, almost as if his soft voice filled all the empty spaces his books couldn’t. They had been talking for a while now, but of course there was quite a lot to tell, it might take a while more to finish.

Castiel had decided to skip what Gabriel had said about his encounter with Dean, that wasn’t his place to tell, and he didn’t want his first impression of the older Winchester to influence it and twist the truth in any way.

On the other hand, explaining to Sam what Gabriel had told him about the restaurant turned out to be simple enough.  
The tough part came when Castiel had to acknowledge Lucifer as his brother.

Sam’s _“Lucifer? Wow, your parents knew how to choose a name didn’t they?”_ at least made Castiel smile before he started diving in all the memories that made Lucifer worthy of his name and that good of a brother. Sam only made short comments, humming from time to time so Castiel knew he was listening and the lack of interruptions somehow helped Castiel spill everything at a thunderous speed.

Then he got to the no returning point... when he had to explain what happened a few months ago and Castiel felt like he had to distract himself from his own words. He put the phone on speaker and paced around the kitchen before deciding to start cooking, he wasn’t even hungry, but it kept his hands busy. It kept the shame distant if even only a little.

“Remember how yesterday I told you I used to have problems with money? Well… Lucifer is kind of the reason I don’t anymore.”

There was a beat of a silence before Sam spoke. “I guess that’s not as good as it sounds.”

“Indeed.” Castiel swallowed, he would have probably been cutting the tomatoes in front of him with much more force if that wasn’t going to smash them into soup. “I am not very fond of my family, as you know, so there was pretty much nothing left for me there except… what my grandfather left me.”

The knife was not sharp enough, he decided, Castiel turned the faucet to clean it and fix just that.

“Like most of my family members he was a wealthy bussiness man, I don’t remember much of him but I know he was kind and generous… he died when I was still a kid and divided his properties between his sons and grandchildren. He didn’t leave me money but… a park.”

Sharpen the knife, sharpen the knife.

“My grandfather he… loved nature, apparently half of his fortune went just to help preserve what he could and that included opening spaces of his own. He didn’t even gain benefits with it, the fees to enter those kind of properties went straight to its preservation…” He cleaned the knife, there were tears stinging in his eyes, Castiel took a breath, he couldn’t keep cutting things with a blurry sight. “I went there twice, it was so big... the trees were already as old as my grandfather when he passed away, you could almost forget you were in the city when walking around... there was a lake, a huge greenhouse for endangered flowers... and it was so beautiful, Sam… Beautiful.”

Sam took a breath on the other side of the line. “…I’m sure it was, Cas.”

“And then I destroyed it.”

Castiel clenched his teeth, throwing the knife into the sink and closing his hands into fists. He wanted to scream.

“Lucifer called me, said he needed to meet me and I had forgotten… I had forgotten how he twists words to make you forget what you always stand for, how he can make you believe every word he says without question. I…” His voice quivered, Castiel swallowed. “I sold the property to him… And he destroyed it. He cut and burned and tore decades of natural growth down to--… to build something shinier on top.”

Castiel had to cover his mouth, shame riveting inside him and tearing a dry sob out of him.

“It was so beautiful… and I-- I helped him destroy it for a little more stability… I destroyed it all for money.” He felt too tired to fight the tears but somehow they just wouldn’t fall. The only thing Castiel had left was to voice what he had feared all along. “…I am no better than Lucifer.”

“Cas, I…” Sam made a strangled noise and took a couple of seconds before softly saying, “Do you want me to… I’m sorry, do you need to be alone right now?”

Castiel wanted to tell him that yes, he didn’t want to bother Sam anymore. Sam had to go back, watch out for his brother, he didn’t have to waste more of his time on him… Castiel opened his mouth to tell him just that, but nothing came out.

“Would you…” Sam held his breath for a moment and then, “I’m outside, you can come down or let me in if you need to.”

Castiel gasped, he took a step backwards staring at his phone in the counter. Sam was…? Castiel turned to look at the speaker in the wall between the unshed tears in his eyes, at the little blue button that would open his portal. Where Sam was probably standing right now. Castiel’s breath caught in his throat at the thought, he wanted to, he ached to see Sam… but he didn’t know if he deserved to.

“Cas… please, say something.”

And Castiel couldn’t, cause hadn’t he already said enough?

“Well, then. Let me.” There was something determined in Sam’s voice. “Cas, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. You didn’t know what your brother was planning to do and you were in need for money, Cas… yesterday you told me some months you had problems _eating_. That was not greed, that was survival! You have nothing to beat yourself for.”

“But I…”

“Castiel. Listen to me. You are _nothing_ like Lucifer.” Sam said each word strongly, as if he wanted to imprint them into Castiel’s mind. “The first time we met… everything was a mess, I was a mess and… anyone in your shoes would have run away with a pat on the shoulder and a sympathetic smile at most. But you didn’t. You stayed with me. And you have stayed with me ever since… You are a good man, Castiel. Your _brother_ …” The way Sam almost spat the word was exactly like Gabriel had talked about Lucifer the day before. “…he tricked you. He took advantage of your needs and tricked you into doing what he wanted. The same way he somehow fooled you into thinking you are to blame when he was the one doing all the damage.” Sam sounded so mad, Castiel had only heard him this mad once before... knowing that this time his anger was directed to Lucifer strangely made Castiel feel… cherished. “He’s nothing but scum, don’t you dare compare yourself to someone like him.”

Sam’s words washed over him, a momentary relief that somehow still didn’t help to make the riveting sadness any less heavy.

“That’s right, he tricked me…” Castiel stepped closer to the phone, shaking his head even when Sam couldn’t see him. “He always does, Sam. Over and over… how am I going to defend Shurley’s if I had been fooled by him my whole life?”

Sam didn’t seem in any way discouraged as he spoke again. “You will find a way, Cas. You have Gabriel, don’t you? And Charlie, and that girl, Anna, she seems fierce too… I don’t think any of them will sit down and wait for that man to burn down the place.” Sam paused, Cas could just imagine him, resting against his portal in his way-too-thin coat for the freezing cold outside, his voice felt much closer when Sam talked again. “You have me… You don’t have to face him by yourself, you are not alone in this anymore, Cas… _Please_ , don’t feel like you are.”

And Castiel didn’t know if it was because of Sam’s voice -still rich and deep through the static of his old phone-, or because of how Castiel’s chest was doing its best to double up into itself at the sight of his now strikingly empty kitchen… but the next thing he knew was that he was ending the call.

Then, he turned and pressed the button on the wall.

He stood there for just a split of second before snapping out of it and all but trip over to his front door.

Somehow Sam was already there when he opened it.

Castiel only got to take in his panting form and his reddened cheeks from the cold for a second before the man surged forward and engulfed him in his arms. They stumbled backwards a few steps and for a moment Castiel could feel his feet leaving the ground.

Being hugged by Sam felt very different to being the one hugging him.

Even when Castiel’s bare arms made contact with the freezing surface of Sam’s coat, it felt warm. Even when Castiel’s legs felt wobbly, solid strong arms kept him in place. Sam’s large form surrounded him and instead of making Castiel feel small… he felt protected.

But there were also so many other emotions flooding his insides... and finally, there, clinging to Sam’s form, Castiel could identify the strongest of all. As it hit him, the tears started to fall.

“I--I’m scared, Sam.” He confessed in a whisper, trying to breath against the tears. “Shurley’s is-- it’s not only my work anymore i-it’s my home… and if h-he destroys it just because I’m there I--”

Castiel had always thought that shushing was a way to dismiss someone’s feelings, but as Sam did it against his hair, softly while tightening his arms around him, it only felt reassuring.

“It’s alright, Cas.” Sam moved a little without breaking the hug and the door clicked shut before them. “Sssh it’s alright… we’ll figure it out, alright?”

And Castiel thought about Lucifer’s cruel laugh when he had last spoke with him, about Gabriel’s expression when he had told Castiel how uncertain he was about the future.

He thought about before, when Gabriel had talked about Dean with disdain, confusion and melancholy.

Castiel thought about his own grim meeting with Dean and about how the only thing he knew about the man was that he was Sam’s dear big brother who had disappeared for weeks, so dear to Sam that his absence was the main reason he had been in a miserable state of mind ever since Castiel had met him.

He thought about Sam’s ex-girlfriend, Ruby, and how she probably knew this when she had walked away from Sam while proudly announcing she was the only one who still cared for him.

Castiel thought about how little he knew about Sam himself and how despite that he couldn’t help but to be falling in love with him at a frightening speed.

And Castiel wanted to ask, how? How could they figure it all out?

Instead he buried his face in Sam’s shoulder and held tight, letting himself be wrapped up by soft words as he cried for the first time in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas needs support too, everyone needs it in this story really, but right now it's Cas' turn. 
> 
> As you can see I'll never stop making them hug, it's a thing, it's official.  
> Mom, dad... I'm a hugger! This is who I am, you can't stop me from making the hugs happen!  
> But you know who hasn't had a hug yet? You know? Mmm? Do you?....... Okay, I'm sorry, Gabriel, I love you I swear.
> 
> This time my editor refused to tell me anything until I published so... I'm scared.
> 
> Thoughts, screams, theories, love, tomatoes... All of them are welcome, just leave me a comment! (yes, if you're able to somehow get a tomato in there I'll take it because, damn, that's skill and you did a great job)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added more tags for this one!
> 
> There's nothing too specific but I feel like I should warn you guys. So for those of you who use tags to avoid particular topics please go up and read! For those who don't, well... I guess it can be considered spoiler, sooooo, that's your choice?
> 
> I swear if (or when) I finish this story I'm going to full on start crying. 
> 
> This time, we come back with.... *dramatic drums play*....... Dean!

Dean paced around the house, walking in uneven circles from room to room while he repeated to himself everything was alright.

Even when hours had went by he was still fighting for his thoughts not to derail again into his conversation with Gabriel… the crestfallen expression of the man at Dean’s apology… how maybe Dean should have followed him and said something more… and whether that would have only made everything even worse...  
But there was another pressing matter that was slowly overtaking Dean’s mind, and even if it wasn’t better by any means he felt like he could at least try to do something about it.

Sam hadn’t came back.

There was no reason for Sam not to be back, and Dean knew that the more he thought about this fact the more his paranoid self would come up with reasons of it’s own to explain why Sam wasn't here already. And those where never good.

So, Dean was currently downing his second cup of coffee and trying to convince himself he hadn’t been too harsh with Sam that morning… and that if he had then he would apologize as soon as Sam came back, that Sam was alright, that he was probably on his way to the door right now, Sam had been working…

_Working… yeah, like before…_

No, with kids, goddammit! Now Sam taught poor teenagers who had pushy parents or not enough brains for equally pushy teachers, only that. Dean _knew_ it was true. He had checked it, once, twice…

Damn it. How many times?

He had to keep count. He had to control it. But maybe checking it once more wouldn’t hurt… he just wanted to be sure…

No! Son of a bitch. Focus on facts, Winchester.

He had emptied his coffee again. He stomped into the kitchen and avoided looking at the fridge as he refilled his cup, where he knew there were two packs of beer waiting for him just to open the door. Luckily he hadn’t drank that much at the bar… not that he had stayed for long after Gabriel had left...

Concentrate on the coffee. One vice to stop the other, right? Dean couldn’t remember if that was scientifically effective or just plain stupid.

Suddenly, like a thunder on a sunny day, Dean's thoughts were interrupted by a sharp sound that pierced through the house.

Before Dean knew it, his instincts had kicked in.

When he recovered self-awareness he was on the ground, curled half-way under a counter and with his heart in his mouth. The coffee cup laid broken on the white tiles a couple of feet ahead, brown liquid dripping from the table’s surface and bouncing right into the shattered pieces of colorful ceramic. Dean had to take a couple of moments before the buzzing in his brain stopped enough for him to realize what had been the trigger… and to understand that what he was hearing wasn’t just the pounding of blood in his ears.

_Bang. Bang._

Someone was pounding at the door.

Dean remembered to tell himself to breath deeply, slowly... one, two, three, four…

“Keep you eyes open...” His voice was trembling pathetically, but he still did so. “Breathe.”

Five, six, seven, eight…

Dean got up to his feet. It was alright, he could just sweep the cup away and clean the mess. He would buy another one. Sam wouldn’t even notice. It was alright...

_Bang. Bang._

But the person at the door couldn’t be Sam, his brother had keys and he knew where the spares were… His mind drifted for a moment to hurt golden eyes but he quickly shook his head, that was ridiculous...

Then what if…

Dean took another deep breathe through his mouth, counting again in his head, before his body could turn on autopilot again.

One, two, three, four…

“I’m in my childhood’s house, Texas, United States of America.”

Open daylight, a year and ten months had passed. No one was coming for him.

Five, six, seven, eight…

“The bell is just not working.”

The doorbell had been broken for a week, Sam had told him, that’s why whoever was on the other side of the door was forced to knock, Dean couldn’t be sure how much time he had stayed on the ground so it wasn’t all that surprising that the knocking had turned into pounding.

Dean breathed out one last time and finally managed to lower his gun, he put it back behind him and hid it under his shirt, as always.

He focused on clenching his hands into fists as he walked outside the kitchen and into the hallway, there he concentrated on looking at the scarce furniture around him, making sure to touch whatever was at hand when he passed by. Finally, -even if maybe it was an unnecerssary act to demonstrate an invisivble audience just how in control he really was- Dean willed himself to not hide behind the front door when he opened it.

Just as soon as he did though, he regretted his every choice.

Including having put his gun away.

The woman in front of him didn’t try to hide her surprise, or how she was just as displeased to see him.

“My my, look who got the guts to come back…”

Ruby.

Dean barely contained himself from launching forward and beat her perfect face into a bloody pump. The woman retreated at Dean’s aborted movement, she was smiling now, wide and crooked, as if Dean’s hostility only amused her.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He said lowly, almost growling.

“Woah, careful now, Winchester.” She made a gesture with her head, perfect waves of dark hair bounced and followed her movement. “We don’t want your neighbors thinking you're aggressive towards women now, do we?” Ruby laughed lowly. “Oh, that would be fun. Just the cherry on top of everything fucked up with you.”

“I don’t see any women here.” Dean fully growled now because the day he would see Ruby like anything more than a monster it would be the day the Earth would burn.

But she was right, in this neighborhood people spent more time watching through the window or wasting time in their lawn that what was truly necessary. If Dean attacked her no one would see just how easily she fought back or how she was probably enjoying it, they would only see a petite young woman being beaten by an ex-soldier.

But that didn’t mean he was going to let Ruby enter his house. It just meant he wouldn’t try and shoot her right now.

“I will only ask one more time, what the fuck are you doing at my door?”

“Oh, is it your door again now? I see, we should throw a welcome party.” She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. “Well, I had enough of letting Sam drown in his self-pity and decided to pay him a visit but… it seems like a rat beat me to it.”

“He is way better off without you, bitch.”

“Is he? He didn’t seem like it when I last saw him a couple of days ago.” She took a step closer, Ruby had always had a way to look menacing even when the height difference between them was striking. “And you weren’t around either by then, I saw it in the way Sam refused to talk when I mentioned you…” Dean hated all Ruby represented in Sam’s life, but that hate had always been reciprocated. In that moment it shone intensely in Ruby’s eyes. “Was that it? That night? Did his messages get to you for once? When he was finally breaking down without you or me?”

Dean clenched his jaw, it had, the chaotic texts and chocked out voicemails Sam had left him that night awoke something in Dean that he had thought lost. He had no intention to admit it to Ruby though, in this life or the next, nor was he going to correct her and reveal that he had been near Sam a lot longer before those calls ever happened.

When he had put his distance between them Dean hadn’t had a defined time to keep himself away, but as the days had passed and Sam’s messages increased in desperation Dean had felt fear for what his brother could do without him there. He had drove his car back and checked on him from afar, trying to come up with the courage or excuse to come back because damn… even when the reason why Dean had left still stung like a stake in his chest, he missed his brother.

But how was he going to just come out to him when he had been lurking in the shadows like a psycho for days? When suddenly Sam looked genuinely happy and relaxed for once in years even if it was with a guy Dean couldn’t bring himself to trust... Well, Dean felt like he was justified about that, actually, after Ruby... But that still didn’t exactly excused him from creeping on them from afar, even if Dean repeated to himself that it was for Sam’s sake... he knew deep down it was all kinds of wrong and fucked up.

Because of just that it had taken him almost three days to finally call Sam.

But Dean would whine about not being normal and cry himself to sleep later. Right now there was a snake on his porch.

Dean crossed his arms and raised his chin. “Oh so now that you think he might be rock bottom you take the opportunity to reclaim him for yourself?”

“Save it, Dean. Believe it or not I was worried... he doesn’t take loneliness for so long that well.” A look that could be considered soft crossed Ruby’s face, before she wiped it off with a disgusted gesture in Dean’s direction, as if she were waving at trash. “Though now I don’t have to worry right? His righteous brother is back.”

Dean stopped himself in time from frowning in confusion. Sam hadn’t been alone...

That’s when it hit him... that Ruby mustn't know about Castiel, about how Sam had been orbiting around the man for weeks now. He quickly discarded the thought of Ruby pretending not to know, she was a mad jealous bitch: if she knew she wouldn’t have stayed away from Sam this long. Dean shouldn’t have known about Castiel either, not until yesterday when he had actually met the man face to face.

It didn’t only made Dean feel relieved that on top of everything Ruby wasn’t also a stalker –even if that was a quite hypocritical of him– but it also erased any doubt he might have had of Sam somehow still meeting regularly with Ruby without him knowing. That meant Sam hadn’t lied. A little spark of pride lighted on Dean’s chest.

“You were worried? Come on, Ruby. After all you’ve done to him I think worry isn’t even in your emotional library.”

“What I did to him? Please!” She huffed as if Dean was a toddler trying to tell an elaborate joke. “Did you just come out of your hole without even talking to him? You know the reason he’s been utterly miserable these last months wasn’t because of me! You left him!”

“Yeah, and why was that? If I recall right the reason I left was because of a certain _something_ you did that somehow you and Sam managed to keep away from me for _over a year_ and that... oh, yeah, broke down pretty much everything that has been wrong in my little brother since he dropped college and ran into you!”

“Oh dear Dean, listen to yourself, my little brother this, my little brother that...” She mocked him. “He’s not and he wasn’t a kid back then. Sam made his own choices as a consenting adult, I just offered him some options that didn’t consist on losing everything while weeping for his maybe dead big brother.”

Dean gripped tight the frame of the door, he could see from the corner of his eye someone crossing the street, Ms. Barnes was mowing her lawn only several feet away. He gripped the wood until it sunk painfully in his flesh and used all the tricks he knew to stay in place.

“You made him an addict.”

Not even that made her flinch. She threw her hands in the air, as if this were a conversation they had had more than once.

“I gave him work! Which, let me remind you, helped him save your melancholy family dream house from getting auctioned and much later, when oh so miraculously you came back from who knows where, also saved your pitiful ass from drowning in hospital debts. Meanwhile, whatever he wanted to consume for his grieving was his own business.”

“You gave it to him.” Dean spatted, disgusted at how the woman just brushed any responsibility and guilt away.

“I just pointed out that whatever he wanted, it would be on the house… one of the perks of fucking his boss.” She looked almost bored with the topic, as if what she had done to Sam had only been an innocuous favor given out of the kindness of her heart.

“I guess that’s what makes you sleep at night, right? Ruining people’s lives and saying it’s their own fault for falling into your claws.”

“Yeah, and worms like you will always throw the blame back at me as if you hadn’t crawled to me begging for it. We could stay here aaaall day debating about it.” She looked away from her nails, her dark eyes hardening. “Sam needed it, I provided, don’t try and be a saint here Dean: you were the reason he took what I gave him. You and… _this_.” She pointed up at the house with disgust. “Family, right? Always you and the damn family.”

“And what the hell did you think you could offer him now? Sam won’t take your shit anymore.”

“He won’t?” An amused smiled formed on her perfect lips and Ruby bit her nail as if she were trying to stop it from growing into laughter. “Well, well, that’s what he has told you? That he’s clean? That he has been clean since before you found out and stormed out of his life?” She hid a chuckle in her hand, as if everything was suddenly a delight. “Well I mean I could confirm or deny it but… it’s way more fun to just look at you.”

Dean knew she was just playing with him, with his inability to trust his brother, but he knew this time… he _knew_ she was just messing with him...

“Which is it going to be, Dean?” Her voice was almost a purr. “Your dear little brother? Or your fucked up head?”

Ruby didn’t know he played with advantage, Dean knew where Sam had been, and with who, that he had visited Ruby once, just once, Sam couldn’t… he wouldn’t…

A melodic laughter reached his ears and Dean realized his eyes had dropped to the ground, he snapped his head back up and straightened himself, trying to close everything that might have been displayed in his face. She didn’t seem fooled.

“Winchesters, always denying their demons.” She sang, pointing a sharp nail in his direction. “How are your dreams, Dean? Many nightmares lately?”

She made a mocking gesture with her hand, as if she were shooting him. Dean’s body stiffened involuntarily at the sight of it. Ruby’s eyes grew a little wider.

“Oh my…” She laughed again but this time it sounded almost surprised, delighted. She looked up and down at Dean like a cat who just discovered an open tank full of fish. “Maybe soon… _you_ will be the one ending up at my door.”

Dean closed the door in her face before he could do something he would regret.

He only need two seconds to realize that he had fallen into her trap. He could have closed the door at any moment, but he hadn’t. Because deep down somewhere he still couldn’t believe Sam, he wouldn’t have needed to talk to her if he had.

Dean breathed in deeply.

One, two, three, four…

She knew, and she had taken the opportunity to play him, she had played him good.

“Breathe, Dean... breathe.”

Five, six, seven, eight…

He reached out for his phone. Sam still wasn’t here, he needed to know where he was. There was two unread text messages shining on the screen.

 

 **Sam 7:47 p.m.**

     I’m not sure I’ll be able to come home tonight.

 

      **Sam 7:51 p.m**

     I will try to be back tomorrow as early as I can. Sorry, I will explain in to you then.

 

One, two, three, four...

Dean knew he wasn’t with Ruby, that wouldn’t make any sense.

One, two, three...

Sam wouldn’t do something like that to him again, he knew it... Did he?

One, two...

Screams filled his head.

He lost count.

Dean gripped his phone tight and almost smashed it against the wall, instead he turned to the kitchen to get a beer. Or two. Or three…

 

.

 

Sam woke up surrounded by warmth. There was no better sensation when the days had gotten so cold, and he gladly embraced the warmth closer to him, burying his face in it. It smelled like old books and sunlight. Soft, careful... there were fingers in his hair.

A sense of déjà vu filled Sam, he had felt this before.

But the curiosity wasn’t enough to make him get up, for a moment he just let himself enjoy it, still with his eyes closed he curled himself in and sighed, the caresses only lulling him even more to stay completely relaxed. A soft deep laugh resounded on top of him, blowing out his hair a little.

Sam’s drowsy mind recognized that laugh... it still took him a couple of seconds before he managed to join all the dots.

Cas. He was cuddling Cas. He was cuddling Cas in what seemed like a bed. And he was almost purring into his chest while Cas stroked his hair.

Oh, and it felt amazing.

Sam was still too sleepy to feel embarrassed, but he knew it wouldn’t take long before he was.

“M ssrry” Sam mumbled, peeling his face off of Cas' shirt and feeling childishly proud when he stared at it and found there was no drool spot on it.

“No harm done.” And the déjà vu sensation was back, Sam propped himself up with one elbow to see Cas smiling down at him. “I’m the one who insisted after all.”

The memories of the day before flooded back to Sam. Castiel’s heartbroken words over the phone, his tears wetting Sam’s clothes...

Sam straightened himself up in no time, worry and dread back once again twirling his insides as he eyed his friend up and down. Castiel ducked his head at the scrutiny, almost shyly, and Sam wondered if this new pushing need to hold the man close and cocoon him in his arms was going to be permanently engraved in his chest from now on.

Maybe it was because last night he hadn’t been able to do much more than that.

Last night... there hadn’t been many words spoken after Sam entered the flat. Castiel had just whispered a broken _thank you_ after who knows how long of Sam mindlessly shushing him and then nodded when Sam asked if he wanted to sit. After a while of only silence Sam had asked if he wanted to eat and Castiel had nodded once again. But when Sam had come out of the kitchen with a improvised sandwich he had found Cas had somehow slipped to the ground and was blankly staring at the carpet, sobbing silently. Somehow, when that time Sam had rushed forward to hug him Castiel’s tears only had seemed to fall even quicker. To say Sam had been alarmed at this was an understatement, but when he had tried to pull away he found Castiel had locked his arms around him and refused to let go.

Sam hadn’t known what to do, his brain only supplied him with what he wanted to do anyways: indulge Cas with whatever he wanted. So he had held him, food forgotten, and asked instead if Cas wanted to sleep. Castiel had managed another nod without releasing his hold on Sam by an inch. It hadn’t been hard to lift him up from his feet and take him to his bed.

He had settled him there... and Sam hadn’t known whether he should be staying with him or leave him space... after a few moments of uselessly trying to break down both options Sam finally had decided that it was ultimately Cas’ choice. But when he had whispered whether he should take the couch or go and call him tomorrow Castiel had whimpered quietly into his chest and shook his head repeatedly.

Sam had been puzzled as to what his friend wanted, Castiel wasn’t usually this quiet about his thoughts, and Sam would give him anything he wanted... he just needed to know what it was.

At a loss of what else to do Sam had said just that out loud... Cas had only said: _“Stay.”_

And not even that little voice in the back of Sam’s head that whispered that he was taking advantage of his crush felt potent enough to pull Castiel away when he had fallen asleep in his arms.

Sam looked at Castiel now, awake and still smiling softly. He seemed way more relaxed… but there were bags under his eyes. Sam wondered how long the man had been awake.

“Hey…” Sam sat up, the growing embarrassment at his uncalled cuddly behaviour turning into background white noise, stomped down by the urgency to check if Cas was alright. “How are you feeling?”

Castiel sighed. “Tired.”

Sam flinched, maybe he hadn’t been able to sleep with Sam almost on top of him, he knew he snored, and he definitely weighted a lot. “Didn’t you sleep well?”  
Castiel hummed and tilted his head, but he shook his head idly. “I did, I guess I am just… emotionally drained.”

Sam sighed, crossing his legs as he shifted a little to face Cas who was looking at his hands neutrally, probably lost in his thoughts. They stayed for a minute just like that... until suddenly Cas jerked his head up.

“Your brother.” He said with wide eyes. “Shouldn’t you be with him?”

“I sent him a message yesterday.” Sam hesitated for a moment. “It should be fine...”

Castiel frowned, looking at him intently. “It should?” He shook his head. “Sam whatever is happening between you two I don’t want…”

“I was not going to leave you alone, Cas.” Sam said firmly, before Castiel could ever think of talking about himself as if he weren’t important enough. He reached out to clasp Cas’ shoulder with his hand, firmly, curling his fingers a little on his shirt. “I was _not_.”

Castiel blinked back at him as if this were a surprise for him, as if Sam’s willingness to take care of him could have been only half-hearted. What a silly man.

How could Sam had walked away from Cas breaking down? Even if it had been hard, even if every second he had been unsure of what he should be doing... he would do it again a thousand times if that meant Cas feeling a little steadier.

How could Sam even began to explain how much it had meant for him that Cas had opened the door? When helping someone off the ground and buying more beer had been the only support taken from him through endless nights full of muffled screams through the walls?  
When Cas had opened the door, something set free inside Sam, something he hadn’t ever let himself feel, for he didn’t think it was wanted or needed from him. He wanted to give Cas all he needed and tell him everything he needed to hear.

More than anything, he wanted to understand Cas... and he wanted Cas to understand.

“Cas...” He let his hand slide off the man’s shoulder, Castiel looked up at him with curious eyes. “I might need to tell you something too...”

But there was a reason he had told Cas so little about himself. It was nearly impossible talk about one thing without explaining the rest. Even Sam himself had never laid down out loud how intertwined everything was... his dad, dropping college, those tortuous months away from Dean, Ruby, the latent need for the poison she gave him still burning in his veins... there was no way around it...

It scared him... it horrified him. Just the thought of Cas feeling disgust, weariness or even that slightly reluctant pity that would most probably came after confessing that last part... it made Sam’s skin crawl.

Still…

His mind drifted to when Cas had tried to be there and support him even when Sam had kept all the important details to himself... only telling enough for him to feel a little relieved. And that had worked for both of them... for now.

But what if Sam fell into it again? What if he wasn’t strong enough to avoid it? How could he be sure he would be able to do so if he didn’t even allow himself to _think_ about it except when he was beating himself down? Sam had no doubt that now his system was the cleanest it had been in the last two years, and that he had no desire to go through it again, no matter how immediately pleasant the sensations were...  
But what if something happened? What if something happened to Dean again and he found no other way to keep going? He knew that rationally he would have no desire of it... but his body had betrayed him in the past more than once. Where would that leave Cas? How would it affect him to see him like that if Sam wasn’t brave enough to just tell him?

Sam clutched the fabric of his jeans tightly.

“When I talked with you yesterday, when you told me about Lucifer... While I stood down there, not knowing if me being here was what you needed or it was only going to make it worse, whether you would open the door or hang up and try to go through it on your own, I...” Sam breathed in deep, trying to calm himself down. “You could have left me out of it, you could have closed yourself up and tried to fight it on your own... but you didn’t. You opened the door and let me comfort you... That was... so brave, Cas. I... I’m not certain I would have done the same if I where in your shoes... And that realization scared me.”

Sam raised his head, determined, it didn’t matter how much how much could go wrong, he _had_ to do this. For Cas.

“I’ve been at the end of that line too many times, not knowing what to say, so uncertain of what to do with myself, trying to figure out if what I was doing was actually helping or just adding more trouble...” Long nights on the other side of the door, hearing Dean struggle in his sleep and seeing him closing himself more and more before Sam's eyes. “And knowing that urgency... that helplessness...Cas... I don’t ever want you to feel the same way because of me.”

“Sam...” Castiel blinked at him, confusion and worry mixing up in his expression. “What... what do you mean?”

“You shared your past with me, why it still haunts you, and I’m determined to help you fight through what is to come... if you’ll let me.” Sam slowly exhaled, trying to stomp down the familiar urge to run away. “I think it’s only fair... if I do the same.”

Even though the last time someone had found out... they left him. What if Cas reacted like Dean and wanted to cut strings with him? ...no. No, that wouldn’t happen again. That had been because Sam had hid it from Dean for too long... this was different... it _had_ to be different.

“Sam.”

Castiel’s hands fell upon his, Sam only realized how hard he had been gripping his jeans when Cas gently slid his hands underneath his fists, gently disengaging his fingers from the fabric. His knuckles hurt, Castiel softly caressed them.

“I don’t...”

Castiel paused and frowned, he seemed deep in thought and… not exactly happy with what Sam had just said… but his hands continued holding Sam’s with care and Sam felt thankful for the familiar touch, he couldn’t help but squeeze them back a little as he stared in earnest silence for Cas to continue.

“I didn’t think yesterday affected you so much.” Cas shook his head a little, he swallowed. “I apologize... but also thank you.” Cas rose his gaze, and Sam had been right, he wasn’t happy: the expression on Cas face was something stronger, all chocked up emotion. “You don’t know how much yesterday helped me... I am not alright yet and...” Cas sighed, a little of his grief showing through. “It’s definitely not over but... I don’t know how I would have been today if you hadn’t be there, and knowing that you cared...” Castiel swallowed.” ... more than anything, Sam, thank you for... staying.”

Cas said those last words almost shyly, there was something primarily adorable in Castiel being embarrassed. Sam squeezed his hands and smiled a little, his body had relaxed at some point during Cas’ words, now he didn’t feel like running anymore. It awed Sam how Cas could make him feel like this.

“So... Sam.” Castiel nodded at him, a resolute look turning his eyes serious, then he squared his shoulders and it was almost comical. “If I can be there for you like yesterday you did for me... please, whenever you feel ready, do tell me. It would be an honor.”

Sam couldn’t help but grin at Cas formal words, a wave of fondness and amusement washing through him and blurring a little the fear and uncertainty of what he had just agreed to share.

“At ease, soldier.”

Cas blinked for a moment but it didn’t take long for him to understand and relax his shoulders, he snorted softly and Sam had to bite his lip not to laugh. Cas didn’t seem to mind. His friend tilted his head a little after a moment and Sam cleared his throat.

“Right... um...” Sam bit at his lip. “Actually... I should probably talk with Dean first, he’s very involved in what I want to say and... you look so tired...” Sam wanted to trace with his fingers the wrinkles around Cas’ eyes. “I don’t want to add anything more to your head, not right now. Fuck, sorry, I shouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t going to...”

“Sam...” Castiel had leaned in closer, Sam could almost count his eyelashes. “...whenever you are ready.”

Sam didn’t think there would be a time when he felt ready, not by far... but maybe it really wasn’t that much of a problem to wait a little, maybe after asking Dean -and geez he didn’t know how _that_ was going to turn out- and when Cas wasn’t this close to him and looking so gorgeous... Sam didn’t think he was capable of any more coherent phrases while sitting here with him anyway, his brain was basically mush. Cas let out a little hum that sounded like a question.

“Can I ask if this you have to tell me have anything to do with the ‘uncomfortable thing’?”

Sam felt the imperious need to clear his throat and look away. “...what?”

“That... thing, that look you sometimes have, as if I am making you uncomfortable, but... I am not? You are doing it right now... a little...” Cas’ eyebrows twitched for a moment in confused concentration before he smiled sheepishly. “Do you remember that?”

He did remember, how could he not? Cas was talking about Sam being all awkward and flushed those times he hadn’t been able to keep his crush at bay... mostly when Cas looked up at him with those intense big blue eyes as if there weren’t another person he’d rather be with. Slowly Sam felt an anxious vibration run through him, his body felt too big, his limbs too long and awkward. He shifted in the spot, trying to make it look natural and untroubled when he shrugged and answered.

“No, that's not what I wanted to say but... yeah, um...” He bit his lip, nervously, his palms were sweating and he couldn’t wipe them while holding Cas’ hands. “I did said I would eventually tell you, didn’t I?”

Castiel sighed a little, but his eyes didn’t leave Sam’s, his smile turned soft. “And I guess now it is not the time?”

Sam thought about yesterday, standing in front of his house, how he had felt that was as a good time as any other, that maybe he could tell him. But then Dean had appeared.

Sam looked back at Castiel now, at his unhurried posture, at his calm features... at the slight redness on the corners of his eyes and the dark bags right under them, consequence of having cried himself to sleep. Still Castiel’s big blue irises looked clearer than usual, brightened up by the warm light coming through the window, his dark hair was way too messy from sleep and it looked almost light brown where the sunlight framed it... like a halo.

Sam wanted to hold Castiel’s face between his hands and kiss him breathless.

“No-- Um... I don’t-- maybe...breakfast?” He spluttered as an answer, disentangling their hands and promptly running away from the cozy sheets before he could do something really stupid.

Fuck.

The knot in his throat had already been there before realization had fully hit him. It wasn’t a kind of unexpected realization, deep down he had known, he had known what this thing he so stubbornly had been calling a crush was... he had just been ignoring it. The blow still threw Sam off, like having a bucket of cold water right above his head and disregarding it’s existence until it finally tilted and showered over him like ice, leaving him dizzy, breathless and with his heart crushed on the floor...

He was in love with Cas.

He felt like a coward for running away, for avoiding Castiel’s question so obviously, but he needed to breath for a moment, even if it were on Cas’ kitchen, looking at nothing as he tried to understand what he was supposed to do now.

What was right, what was wrong... his mind couldn’t focus on those anymore, all Sam knew was that he couldn’t run from this. He couldn’t keep hiding things, he had to tell Cas, he had to tell him everything so he could start dealing with it...

He also knew he had no idea how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, feel a little sorry for Dean yet? A little less confused about Sam? Yup, everyone is hurt big time in this fic. 
> 
> I always say "please leave your thoughts" or something but this time intead I want to say thank you, you, the readers, my editor, my best friend, the few beautiful people who review and who never fail to bust my enthusiasm to keep on, I honestly can't stop smiling when I look at your comments! Thank you all so much :')
> 
> Now, please (haha, yes I'm still going to say it cause I'm chaotic like that) leave your thoughts! Kudos are of course so so so good too!  
> I hope you have a wonderful day wherever you are!


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